Comment in report - is school failing my child, am I failing my child, is everything ok?

[whalewail]

Got dc's reports last week and have been stewing over youngest child's ever since. Not because I don't recognise the child - I do. I just feel that either the school or I should have been able to sort this out before now. Child is 6 btw.
Attainment is good at the expected level or better but there is a strong suggestion that attainment could be even better as child clearly capable. (I know that already, potentially I think the brightest of my set)
The comment is
'X is and likes to be noticed in class. When motivated X conforms to rules and does well. However, though there has been a lot of imporvement from where X was when starting school, X is still not in control of their emotions. They sometimes fail to listen, call out comments and if frustrated stop trying to work at something.'

So what do you think? Child does need very careful handling as is bright, strong willed and with a very strong sense of self but also very, very sensitive. Desperately wants to 'be good', Will mostly comply if ordered to do something but with a very bad grace whereas if engaged and wooed in to it will go above and beyond. I guess I'm wondering what kind of emotional maturity is expected of 6 yr olds.

Ever since child started at school I've had a sinking feeling that school and this child are not a good match. I'm miserable at work, in my panic stricken moments I think what I should do is pack it all in and home educate but I can't afford that - in every sense.

So what do you think? Does this sound really bad for me and child or should I be blaming the school for not managing my spirited/challenging/pita child better?

This may not be relevant but home ed is likely to be much easier than you think - I was miserable at work and my ds was miserable at preschool so I resigned and he has not started school. He is very active with poor emotional control - he is 5. We plan to wait until he is at least 7 and are just learning through play until then. We are all much happier.

Ilovesunflowers Fri 05-Jul-13 17:29:02
"Why does anyone have to be to blame? Why not just help to address the issues as a team. Teachers, parents and child."

This.

OP, I think what you are feeling now is that moment of panic that comes when you realise you are no longer 100% in control of everything that goes on in your dc's life. It will pass.

But when you feel that panic, the instinctive response is to feel that somebody has to be to blame whenever anything isn't perfect in your dc's life.

It is irrational- think about it: surely there must have been moments before in your dc's life when everything wasn't running smoothly? Times when there was a hitch re potty training/tantrumming/obedience/food throwing/ whatever? Did you really feel that somebody needed to have a serious talk with you because you were failing your son/daughter at those times? Or did you assume that you would just keep an eye on the problem and do whatever was needed without blaming yourself?

If the latter, that is the right approach to the teacher too. She is not to blame if your dc needs time (and maybe a bit of firm guidance) to sort out classroom behaviour, any more than you were to blame at those earlier times.

Ask if there is something you can do, but stay calm. Sometimes it is difficult for teachers to say anything in their reports because parents get so emotional. And that is how real problems get overlooked.

This doesn't sound like a real problem. But if you react emotionally it will be far harder for the teacher to know how to tell you if there ever is a real problem.

I certainly do get emotional when I read post's like zirca's. Thanks for that.

dc has very clear boundaries at home and we have been very encouraging and supportive re school's boundaries too. It is interesting to see what assumptions have been made about gender. I'm not going to say anything about more that but it has certainly raised one or two questions in my mind about expectations.

I'm going to work on dc's self esteem (because I think the whole failure/pressure thing is an issue) and try and get them to keep trying things calmly. We have had some success recently with big jigsaws - at first it was too hard, too big but with gentle persistence from me, dc has become a huge fan.