Lonely in Reception - WWYD? (long, sorry)

[duffybeatmetoit]

My dd is in reception in a very small school. She was previously at a nursery with a much bigger intake and was very happy and popular. Sadly she was the only one to come to her primary school. She has found it difficult to integrate with her classmates.

Her teacher broached the subject at the first parent's evening asking whether it was normal for her to be a loner. I confirmed that it was totally out of character and she said that she would keep an eye on her and encourage her to get involved with the others.

I raised the subject at the next parent's evening as she was periodically crying in the evenings and saying that nobody would play with her. The teacher's approach this time was initially that she thought dd played well with the others, then started saying that they couldn't force children to be friends but that they would try to get all the children to mingle more.

Dd has been getting upset again about her lack of friends and I'm not sure where to go from here. As an only child she is used to playing on her own and deciding on how games will be played and I have talked to her about the importance of sharing. I have also tried setting up playdates and on the whole they have gone ok. When I see her in the playground she is generally on her own while her classmates are playing together. Dd has said that when the others are being horrible to her she sometimes tells the teacher but is told "sort yourselves out, I'm not interested" - which if true does sound like the teacher getting exasperated with them.

In September some friends from the old nursery will be joining her class which hopefully will improve the situation but I'm not sure what to do for the best.

It's not a log post at all. School or no school have a barbecue in the park and invite the whole class (Y1) That's what we did in Reception. Find nice games for her to take into school like a curious whistle or a funny puppet, a skipping rope game or a word of mouth puzzle. Perhaps she only needs one really good friend to start off with. When that happens have Sunday lunches together, etc. The bond grows as a family from there.

Good luck.

Thanks for the suggestions. The children aren't allowed to take things into school unless they are part of the current topic. Parents are only allowed in the playground and are discouraged from talking to the teachers without an appointment so it is difficult to have a quiet word about the situation.

Wait until Sept when friends from her nursery will join and keep up contact between now and then - this might give her the confidence boost she needs. Best of luck!

In my experience young children often do say "no one will play" because to a reception child 5 minutes at lunch while they're not sure who can join, is eternity, and often translates into telling the parent that "no one plays with me".
There probably are children that do play with her, is she trying to play with others or is she assuming they won't play.

Also she may be going about playing along the lines of "Will you play this with me?" If she approaches a child on her own that may be fine, but I have known children that choose a big group playing a game all together and walk into that group asking them to play their game. Then the other children say "no we're playing this game" and the first child runs off saying they won't play and they're being nasty.
It is very much a learning curve, so maybe you could help her with lines along the lines of "can I join in" or "what are you doing, it looks fun".

If you need a word with the teacher, try writing a letter. It's easier to set it out and express your concern, and for them to consider it carefully rather than be put on the spot.

I wouldn't set too much hope on the children from nursery unless you've kept up with them regularly. Sorry. But if she left in September, a year is a very long time for a 4yo and they won't feel a bond with her unless they have seen her quite a bit since. But maybe you could ask if she could help "look after them" make her feel important, and develop a bond with them.

Spoke to the teacher as dd is now inventing illnesses to avoid going to school. Teacher said that she had hit another child the day before which may account for being sidelined. She seemed to accept that dd was isolated. Also said that she hoped a friendship with another girl would help as the other girl "doesn't take any nonsense". This suggests to me that my dd is behaving badly but the teacher doesn't seem that concerned.

I may be being PFB about this but it bothers me that if this isn't tackled that she could get further excluded.

Can you pick a couple of children who seem like potential friends and invite them over for tea? It can be very hard for children to negotiate friendships alone at this age and sometimes they need a bit of help. Perhaps plan an activity that you can do with both children (baking a cake, art activity, jigsaw puzzles, paddling pool in the garden)?

Harum I keep trying this and she seems to play well with the other children but in the school environment it doesn't seem to work.

We have had a good talk tonight about not hitting and why other children won't play with her if she hits them.

Hmm, she sounds a bit like my DD, who is my PFB. I would be concerned that the school are not interested in helping develop your DD's social skills TBH, and that they are not taking the inventing illnesses thing seriously. How small is the school, and how many in the class?

DD struggles with some interactions because she wants to play her favourite game over and over again, she can be quite directive, and doesn't like deviation or spontaneous changes of direction. Other kids find that hard - I've seen it in action again and again. Does that sound like your DD at all?

Ragusa - that does sound similar. She is very good at inventing scenarios and plotting out what is going to happen. At nursery the other children were happy to follow her lead. Now most of the other children have their own ideas and it has been hard learning to take turns as DeWe suggested.

Only a dozen children in her year so it is pretty close knit and not much opportunity to mix with different groups.