School bullies - should they be sympathised with or is it possible they just aren't very 'nice' people

[lottieandmia]

I have always tended towards the view that children can't be blamed for their behaviour etc.

How true is it that bullies are really victims themselves and need to be understood etc?

I think that most children are both bully and victim at different times in their school career. It is not a black and white problem. Blaming either the bully or the victim does not solve the bullying problem. Often the "bully" has no idea that their behaviour is bullying.

Some children get bullied wherever they go and need assertiveness training to avoid being bullied. When these children leave school and go to work there is no teacher or parents to protect them. They need to be given the skills to protect themselves from bullies in the workplace or other abusive relationships.

In many cases both the bully and the victim need help with their social skills/ assertiveness training/ conflict resolution.

I think you can sympathise with the fact that some may be bullying due to circumstances beyond their control. However, I don't believe their behaviour should EVER be tolerated and every opportunity needs to be taken to teach them it is unacceptable, and to hopefully inform and enable alternative, positive behaviour.
There are some children that you just can't believe the things they can say or do and there seems to be no explanation for why. Find it very hard to sympathise with them. As OP says - they just seem to be nasty little human beings.
Having had a DD at the receiving end of bullying, and trying to teach her that bulies are actually very cowardly, unhapoy people! I am also struggling to balance the message that she needs to respect herself and has the right to be angry about being treated in that way. Whilst at the same time I wouldn't wish her to lower herself to that level, sometimes I do wish there was a way to give them a taste of their own medicine!
Sadly retaliation has very few positive effects for anyone.

I certainly was both at different times. Having been bullied myself didn't mean that I didn't get into trouble for doing it in turn though (quite rightly). You can understand a child and still deliver the appropriate punishment.

I don't believe there is any such thing as an inherently nasty child. Children's behaviour is entirely the product of their circumstances and how the world has treated them/ other people around them.
I therefore think you can have some sympathy but the bully still has to learn their behaviour is not acceptable and I think you have to be careful that sympathy for the bullies position doesn't prevent you taking adequate steps to ensure lessons are learned.

They are the victims if I get hold of them.

At the very least, bullies have to be children who have not been/are not being taught appropriate social skills.

More often, there are low self-esteem issues underneath - and often, bullies are children who have been bullied (sometimes by adults).

Either way, you can't do much with help and understanding until the boundaries are set with the behaviour - but I firmly believe the two-pronged approach is best.

Nice, learnandsay

The child that bullied ds was the victim of his pushy parents. Fortunately ds's parents aren't at all pushy and equipped him with the skills to cope with the behaviour in a positive way (together with a fab book recommended here - Bullies, Bigmouths and so-called friends