Not sure if this is in the right place...

[Tinkerfell]

but here goes. DD attended a birthday party on 12th May with 5 other girls (approx) there was some nastiness in which one girl csaid another had a fat ass. My DD has given me the same version of events time and again that a certain girl said this and it had nothing to do with her. Next thing we know my Mum is being quizzed by the wronged girls mother the next day when she picked DD up from school. The same Mum then had another girl (the one DD said did it) in tears in front of her Mum on the same day; next day same again quizing Mum, v. forceful, as DD is now being blamed. Anyway skip forward, all seemd to blow over. Same Mum approached my Mum again on Friday to say that my DD had actually called this child a bl b (can't even bring myself to type it, I abhore racism and they are not words used in our house). I spoke to the Mum of the girl whose party it was and she bears out DD's story of what happened that day.

Sorry the post is so long, apols if I ranted, I've bee thinking about this all weekend. What should I do?

Hi Tinkerfell:

I'm afraid what you have here is a very hurt mother. Someone called her daughter names and it's upset her daughter and clearly her. She's after an apology and because she talked to your mother (who probably had no idea about any of this) perhaps, it has all got confused. The teasing is continuing and she's either under the impression it is your DD or is mistaken. It may be that the child is too young/ upset to expain clearly what is going on. From what you say in your OP it also sounds like the girl responsible is denying it and adept at putting on the 'water works' when in a difficult situation.

I fear at our school all of what you described is very typical and my DD2 has been at the receiving end. She has been blamed for things started by a very manipulative princess, DH and I find pretty loathsome. It's devastated DD2 but our solution has been to encourage DD2 to avoid the difficult child (and unfortunately that has meant also avoiding some nice kids) to keep out of trouble. DD2 was encouraged to play by herself - and content to do so - she was also mercilessly teased by difficult princess girl. The strategy has been long-term (over Years 1 - 3), but school & many parents now seem very aware DD2 was not the problem.

I suspect that the solution is obvious. I would just calmly approach the mother and say you absolutely understand why she is upset but she really needs to talk to whoever hosted the birthday party - because this name calling is not coming from your DD.

HTH

Thanks PastSellByDate, I do understand that she is hurt and upset, unfortunately the way she is going about things is bang out of order. This mum is using her position as a dance teacher at a school attended by 2 other girls that were at the party (one of whom did the name calling) to get the girls to say all sorts, and now they are ganging up on DD, and that's where all this stuff is coming from. Unfortunately one of these girls is someone DD has been friends with since school started. She told the girls when this all started that they wouldn't be able to go dancing any more unless they told her what happened, and that's how DD got lumbered with the blame as she is the only one not to attend the dance school.
She approached my Mum again today looking for my mobile number. I told Mum to suggest to her that she put whatever her issues are in writing as my Mum shouldn't have to be dealing with this. Unfortunately I am a full time student at the mo so at school myself when DD is collected, and as I said on the one day that was able to collect she didn't say a word to me :-/

So sorry for what you DD2 has gone through, I hope she is happy. DD played with the boys today...