Too much information for Yr 6 DS. What would you do?

[loveinthemist]

My DS turned 11 last week and is in his last few weeks of primary school (Year 6).

Today he came home from school and was noticeably upset about something. He's very good at communicating stuff with me and soon told me what was wrong. A group of 'mates' in his class had told him in very, very graphic detail about a trailer they'd watched on YouTube for an absolutely vile, 18+ film. The details were unbelievable and too graphic to post on here. I was completely shocked by the description he'd given me and can't believe anyone in their right mind would want to watch this. It seems that several of them saw it when they were at a sleepover but others had viewed it separately which is quite worrying. Luckily my DS wasn't at that sleepover and doesn't see many of these boys outside school.

Obviously no child should see stuff like this or even have to hear about it second-hand. I have told my DH about it and he says he has heard of this film and it's beyond disgusting. He was also outraged that these kids had knowledge of it and said he'd never watch it himself.

I'm not naive or easily shockable but I feel very upset that my DS has been exposed to this, albeit indirectly. He keeps talking about it and my impulse is to go straight to the Head tomorrow and tell him what's happened. Perhaps he could make the parents aware of what their DS's are discussing in the playground? Obviously my DS doesn't want me to do this as he's terrified of grassing up his friends - fair enough. I'm uneasy about approaching any of the parents involved but feel that somebody needs to know what they've been watching on YouTube.

We're pretty clued up on parental control on the internet and I'd been hoping that other parents were doing the same. Obviously not! I try not to be too overprotective and realise that our DC will start to be exposed to all sorts of stuff as they grow older but this just feels like way too much, far too soon. So I genuinely need some advice from Mumsnetters. What would you do?

Unfortunately, for you and your son, it's part of growing up isn't it?

I'm sure we can all remember being shown stuff (in my case it was porno mags from Germany) when we were too young really to understand.

You can't really approach the school, what has it got to do with the school? Just tell your son that sadly there's a lot of sick stuff out there, and a lot of sick people and he is going to have to make his own choices over what to watch, what to read, what to believe......a bit of mature thinking being encouraged on his part, by you, is not too soon at Yr 6. He'll be all the better for it I think. (in that he knows it's horrid stuff, which shows actually, he is more mature than you perhaps give him credit for, a lot of kids would titter and laugh at the grossest most horrific stuff on youtube)

Human Centipede?
I would tell his teacher, talk to any parents I knew well enough to approach.
And most of all talk to him about how he feels about it, what he wants to learn from this. Try to find a positive angle.

Tbh there isn't much the school can do as it is outside school. Plus it seems they watched the trailer and not the actual film so it would appear that parental controls of Internet are not v tight but not as if parents actually allowed or provided film for dc. I think you should however get ready for your dc to be told lots of horrid things and be exposed to lots of stuff as he enters secondary. In my opinion it's how you deal with it that matters. If he knows he can talk to you about it without you getting upset and angry then the things he hears or sees can always be put into context or discussed with you. If you go off hysterically then he will learn not to tell you.

IME it is useful for the school to know what has happened / is happening, even if you don't want them to 'do' anything specifically about this incident.

A lot of work is done in schools - and as it happens usually around this time in Y6 as it's post SATs - looking at apropriate use of the internet, personal and social relationships (including sex ed) etc. If the school knows that this type of thing has been viewed (whether by a minority or by many) then that can help to guide them as to what is covered in those sessions about repect, consent, emotional as well as physical reationships etc etc.

They can also send out information to all parents about parental control / keeping their children safe on the internet, either in a general or slightly more 'pointed' way (again, internet safety is something that schools do very actively teach about and do frequently communicate / educate parents about). This can be done anonymously, but again if the school knows what has happened, they can tailor the message appropriately.

Well I would speak to the school. True they can't stop people allowing their dc to view things like that, but to say oh well, it's part of growing up is a terribly defeatist and depressing response imho.

I think it does involve the school since they discussion about it happened there. And maybe the parents of the boys that originally saw it are unaware that they have and would be interested to know.

X-posted - of course none of the above will protect your child completely, and the best 'safety valve' for him is knowing that he can talk to you about it. But letting the school know about it can also help to provide a 'safety valve' for some children who may not have an adult like you, who they can talk about it with.

The next step up from talking about potentially harmful things is doing potentially harmful things. I'm not sure if young children watching sick films is ever helpful. But there are many examples of artful dilemmas, and experiencing people choosing between right and wrong is very helpful.

But if and when someone shows my young daughter something totally inappropriate I don't think it'll be long before I'm knocking on doors and banging on windows.

I would mention it to the teacher as its unlikely your son is the only one these boys told and its possible there are other children feeling shocked and upset as well - something the school would want to know about.

Thank you for the responses so far - they've been really helpful. You guessed right lljkk - that's the one they're talking about.

Yes, I'm pleased he has opened up to me and glad that he feels able to do this. I suppose it's a useful platform for discussing all sorts of stuff and we've actually had a good chat about it which has helped alleviate some of his confusion/upset.

No, I'm not prepared to accept 'it's part of growing up' - I'm not giving up that easily - not yet! This is way beyond sick. I also have 3 younger DC and I really hope he doesn't start talking about it to them. Of course I realise he'll be exposed to stuff from now onwards but it doesn't mean it's acceptable and I think it's OK that I'm feeling slightly pissed off about this.

As people have pointed out, the main thing is that he continues to trust me and open up about stuff that's bothering him so I'm not going to do anything rash or hysterical. I think I will have a chat with the school but DS won't be aware of this... As suggested, perhaps they could send an email out to Year 6 advising parents to tighten up controls without mentioning anything specific. I think they would be interested as they ran an e-safety evening for parents last week! How ironic...

My dc's are 19, 16, 9 & 6 so I've been through this twice already (2 more to go) First of all I would be pleased he told you & was bothered by it, rather than joining in with his peers 'excitement'. I would suggest that the best way to keep him talking to you (especially as he moves up to high school) is to view this as him confiding in you and unless you know any of the parents well enough to trust them to 'tread carefully' I'd deal with this just with your sons needs in mind.
We all know the world is full of stuff we want to protect our dc's from but sadly we also have to prepare them to deal with it by themselves (at 18ish if they go off to uni) and hopefully make good choices for themselves, which it sounds like your son has already started doing.

I think that's so wise, the best thing is to teach them (or try anyway) to make good choices when they encounter bad stuff.

Yes talk to the school they can have some discussions with the class as a whole about making safe choices etc.

EVERY school has a person responsible for child protection issues - I would have a word with that person ..... not that anything can probably be done about the Y6 crowd other than an email to parents in general -

but they can provide warning to the parents of younger kids - if Y6 are talking about it, there will be siblings who are younger, and they will talk with their class mates ..

Oh heavens, just saw, so sorry to discover I guessed right about the film, it is vile vile vile. Makes you want to order extra large rolls of cotton wool.

Thought it must be that as well. Awful. I think it would be worth mentioning it at least to class teacher - especially if it's upsetting some of the class.

I would speak to school. They can do a broad chat about appropriate Internet use and film choices.
They could send home a letter to all parents covering the same topic or even a workshop for parents if its wanted.
We do at our school.

How foul :( i'm glad he felt able to talk to you about it. My dd is 8 and i dread the things to come :( some kids grow up too damn fast.

I would speak to school. They will be teaching e-safety as part of their ICT curriculum and helping children learn how to stay safe online and what to do if they find inappropriate material. E safety should also be strongly linked to PHSE so children are are taught about how to deal with peer pressure / bullying to be involved with inappropriate activities online. This would be a good opportunity to refresh the children's knowledge and get parents talking to children and each other about e safety - the more it is out in the open, the better we can deal with it. If they have had an esafey evening that is a fantastic start, but it does nees to be constantly reinforced. Not pleasant, but well done for dealing with it so well youself. Have you seen the parents' resources on www.thinkuknow.co.uk ?

Just googled it. It was TMI for me and I'm 40. Your poor son. Hearing about or viewing that sort of thing is not a normal "part of growing up" for any child or adolescent.

I would have a quiet word with the class teacher, the head or the designated safeguarding person at the school.