Petty playground behaviour

[Privilegeismine]

Dd1 is currently in year 4. She joined her school part way through reception, after a house move. She integrated pretty well, but into a group of 3, with M and L. They were always falling out, even back then, M and L would want to play 'a game for 2 people' and Dd1 would go off and play with someone else.

So, this has been going on since. One day they will all play together nicely, the next Dd1 will be left out. But this year, whenever Dd1 goes off to play with other girls, M and L tell her that she cannot be friends with everyone and has to choose. This results in Dd1 hanging around on her own till M and L are ready to play with her again.

All very childish so far and Dd1 has just got on with it. Recently, M?s nan died. Now Dd1 has tried to help her, been a shoulder for her to cry on and brought her a memory box (out of her own money). However, now when M doesn't get her own way, she says, "aren?t you bothered that my nan died?". She said this last week after an argument caused by Dd playing with a girl M does not like. Dd1 says she replied "I am bothered", M says she said "I am not bothered". M went crying to the teacher about it, but after said that she could not be sure what was said, as the dining room was noisy and she was upset.

So, I then start getting abusive FB messages from M's mom, saying Dd1 has been saying nasty things about M's nan dying. I spoke to the teacher the following day, who confirmed M had retracted what she said and Dd1 had done nothing wrong. M's mother refuses to believe this. Dd1 also went to great lengths to make up the next day (confirmed by the teacher) but M told her mom that Dd1 had not spoken to her all day.

So, Dd1 is very upset that she is being labelled as a bully, when she has done nothing wrong. She is begging me to let her change schools so she can have a fresh start, away from M and L.
Part of me thinks this is a good idea, but then she really should not just run away.
I have no idea what to do for the best. Any advice would be gratefully received.

I can't help but feel for both you and your daughter - what an upsetting thing to deal with when still so young! hope you get it sorted!

Thanks for your reply. It is just so hard to know what to do for the best

I don't think a change of schools is really "running away" - she has another 2 full years of this school/these girls and if this sort of shit continues then it will affect her self-esteem.

What are your options? Are there other schools available?

I think as a starter though go back to the school - explain the whole saga to the teacher. See what she/he can suggest.

Thanks Hassled. I spoke to the teacher the day they broke up and she just sort of laughed it off saying girls will be girls. Every time I have spoken to the school about it their reply is along those lines. They have, on occasion, spoken to all the girls, but after a few days we're back to square 1. I really don't blame any of the girls to be honest. I think in a group of 3, 1 always gets left out. But what if it was the same if I moved her?

I'm not under any illusions that moving schools wouldn't be a hassle. DD2 and Ds are at the school and are happy. I also have a wonderful CM who does the school runs for me. But if I need to move her I am more than willing to deal with the logistics of it. I spoke to the admissions people today and have a list of suitable schools.

How many classes per year? Any chance of a sideways move?

I think there is a difference between a group of 3 playing together and 1 of them occasionally feeling left out (especially if they all end up being the one left out on different occasions) and what you are describing above about stopping your DD playing with other children. This feels more like bullying to me and the school should definitely be trying to address it and not laughing it off. My DD (yr 1) has two very good friends and occasionally the "being left out" happens but I have encouraged her to have other friends and fortunately her "best" friends have never stopped her playing with others. I would second the suggestion of a sideways move into another class if that is possible? One of the things I like about DD's school is that they mix the classes up every two years which gives ample opportunity to break up dis functional friendships. I really hope the school do more to support you and your DD.

There are 2 classes per year. I have suggested that to Dd1 but not approached the teacher about it, possibly something to talk about with them after half term. I'm concerned the problems would still be there at break times though. She doesn't actually do numeracy or literacy with them anyway because they're streamed by ability. They're even on different tables for everything else, but she still goes back to them whenever they let her!!

And if the school continue not to be supportive, then I think your best option is to change schools. Although I do appreciate that isn't an easy decision.

Thank Alien. I was starting to think I was overreacting because of the schools laissez-faire attitude, but I am really starting to believe I have to do something. I will speak to the school again after half term.

Is there anything more you can do to encourage/develop other friendships - other girls coming round after school, etc? It does sound like a nightmare for you - my (now adult) DD had something very similar at the same sort of age and I still remember how frustratingly powerless I felt - you just want to be able to wave a magic wand and make it all better.

Last year I did have a few other girls round and it worked for a few days but then straight back to normal. M and L actually refused to speak to Dd1 for a week because we'd invited them round!! She was heartbroken We haven't done anything this year because they go to the CM everyday after school now.
I'm actually fairly good friends (well WAS fairly good friends) with M's mom, but she cannot see past what her daughter says. It is very infuriating.

I really do feel for both you and your DD. I haven't been through this with my DD so have no real life experience to give you. But reading your posts I think I would do a number of things simultaneously.
Firstly, I would speak to school and, without even talking about bullying, explain that your DD seems to be in a rather unhappy relationship with these two girls and how can you and the teacher work together to help the girls develop a more functional relationship for them all.
Secondly, but at the same time, I think I would sit down with your DD and try to explain why this kind of friendship isn't healthy or normal (which she clearly knows hence her desire to move schools and get away) and suggest that together you hatch and execute a plan for her to get more friendly with other girls (e.g the ones you had around previously). Agree with her whom to invite around when as part of a longer term plan...I fully appreciate the difficulty juggling childcare and play dates (I do the same) but maybe see if you can have one new friend around every week for a couple of ours?
And lastly. I'm a great fan of role play. Perhaps go through with your DD various situations and give her the words and the gestures to help her deal with them. My DD and I had a very helpful session on the effect of a dismissive shrug of the shoulders and she loved practising in front of the mirror to get the dismissive shrug just right!
I hope this is helpful, my DD is obviously younger than yours and you may well have tried all of this, but hopefully others with more direct experience will be along soon

You could see this as a good opportunity for your DD to break away from them and their poisonous 'friendship'.
Can she play with other kids? Can these girls influence the other girls in the class, or are they just a separate small group?

It seems that your DD has developed an unhealthy dependence on them. Hard as it seems, she has to stop engaging with them completely, even when they are nice to her. If she was my daughter, I'd tell her I don't want her anywhere near them!

I wouldn't change schools if otherwise happy.

Thanks for all your advice and suggestions.
I have spoken to Dd1 about how this friendship is not good for her and although she agrees, she says she finds it hard to stay away from them. She says she tries and they always tempt her back. I wish I could make her see all of this from another perspective.
I will go and see her teacher when they return on wednesday, Dd1 has vetoed a sideways move as she doesn't like the other teacher (she has him for maths, very old school and shouty).
If things do not improve in a month I will move her. I have sent M's mom a message on facebook to try and tell her the trouble this is causing, whilst still being respectful to her dd, but I don't hold out much hope for a resolution there.
I will also try to secure some other friendships for her with other girls, but Dd1 is scared to have anyone round due to the fall out it will cause.

Can I recommend this book:
Bullies, Bigmouths and So-called Friends. About £4 on Amazon. It is written for children to read and was very helpful preparing my DD for secondary school. She was in a similar position to your daughter and we realised that the day on day off being allowed to play, was in fact all about having control/power over someone elses happiness. My daughter decided that no-one had the right to decide if she was going to have a good playtime or not and off her own bat played with other children. But SHE had to make that decision. Of course the other girls then were desperate for her to play with them, which is why it is so easy to get sucked back in.

Anyway the book gives the children lots of practical things they can do to help themselves. There is quite a good section on why all the things your mum and dad tell you to do (like play with someone else!) is all rubbish and what the alternatives are.

Our Y6 teacher was so impressed she bought a set of the books to use with the children going on to big school. I have to say I am not that impressed with your daughters class teacher but having taught this age myself, it is a particulalry nasty one for girls friendships. Be totally honest with the class teacher about what is happening and how it is making your DD feel. It may be (clutching at straws here) that the teacher doesn't appreciate how bad it has got and thinks that this may be a one off that will blow over. Sometimes not making a big deal out of girls cattiness is the right thing to do to avoid fanning the flames over every tiny comment made. It can become an issue when girls come to your for every off look/comment/sweep of the pencil that someone is alledged to have done to them, and teaching them a sense of perspective and being able to sort these things out themselves is a valuble lesson.
Of course the teacher could just not be arsed to get the matter resolved which is not acceptable either!

Best of luck to both of you!