DS1 asked to help with difficult child

[Harriebabe]

Hi - for some years now my eldest son (Yr5 aged 10) has been on/off friends with another boy, both of them are part of a larger group of boys who are all friends. Most of the boys get along but this one particular boy seems to have difficulty in "playing fair" and gets into a tizzy when he's "it" and has recently been reacting violently. From what my son has said, the group have been getting fed up with this behaviour and it sounds like they are now actively excluding him from their games/group. This seems unfair but I understand it's a last resort as he was hitting them if he wasn't getting his own way.

We haven't discussed this with the school but yesterday I received a letter stating that they are helping a child at school with his difficulties in relating to other children and my son has been idenfied as a good role model and someone who they think could help. They want to involve him in playing games and role playing in small groups to help this other child. Obviously I'm pleased that he's being thought of in this way. The child needing help wasn't named in the letter but I suspect it's the same boy that my son has been having trouble with. The learning support teacher who wrote said feel free to speak to her but only in term time so I can't get hold of her at the moment.

I'm just wondering whether the fact that my son is already having issues with this boy will cloud his willingness to help. I need to talk to him about it but am wondering about the best way to approach him. I think it would be a good opportunity for him but think he may resent having to do if he thinks it's been forced on him. I'm not quite sure what I'm asking of you here but I suppose I want to try and persuade my son that it would be good thing to help? But as he's been so fed up with this other boy's behaviour he might not want to give his time.

Anyone got any wise words of wisdom please? Sorry if I've not explained very well!

I'm torn over this one. One the one hand, my DD is still really struggling to make friends almost 2 terms into her new school, and I would be upset if the school tried to organise something like this to help her and the parents and kids didn't want anything to do with it. On the other hand, she isn't violent, and if she was in your son's position given the other child's reputation I don't think I'd be overjoyed.

What I would want to know from the school is whether this is going to be happening in lesson time or breaktime. Either way I can see reasons I wouldn't be happy- lesson time he's missing out on curriculum work (unless it's circle time/PSHE/art or something in which case I don't think I'd be so bothered) or at breaktime- that I would have major issues with as the teachers would effectively be dictating who your child is friends with if they took him off with a group of children they had chosen and this boy needing help every break IYSWIM. If it means your child has to spend their break times on a regular basis with a group of children they wouldn't choose to play with, then that's not on.

I wouldn't mention it to DS until you've had a chance to talk to the school about what exactly it involves and when, then assuming you decide you're happy with it, sit down and tell him that X is very unhappy at the moment as he doesn't have anyone to play with, and it would be a really kind thing to do to join in these supervised games with him and help him learn to make friends. Play up the fact that the teacher will be there to supervise and sort out any problems, and the fact that he's been chosen because he's so grown up and sensible- flattery tends to work IME

I would just ask him.
You both know that this boy has trouble with games - getting excessively upset. Have you talked about that?
I would say 'you know that (boys name) has trouble playing? The school are trying to help him practice playing in a better way, without getting so angry. They wondered if you would help?

I don't think you need to manoeuvre him into it. Nor am I sure why t would be good for him as it is presumeably just what he has been doing naturally moved into a more formal setting.
But he either wants to do it or he doesn't. I would just ask him.

My only proviso would be that whether he agrees or refuses, he doesn't discuss it with anyone else.

I agree just ask him. If he wants to help great, if it doesn't work out then he can stop. I think it's lovely that the school are actually being pro active and trying to help. I often read threads saying schools should help children who have difficulties with friendships and playing, but strangely parents tend to not be keen unless its their child who needs help! You sound like you want to give your ds the chance to help OP.

What Pag and Cansu said

If it is about this particular boy:

You could just say to your DS,

'You know that problem you had when X had trouble playing your game? Well your school is going to help everyone play fairly, do you think that would help?'

The fact that your DS mentioned it suggests he was bothered by this...sounds like he would have liked to include X, initially at least. He may see the help as a good thing.

Definitely talk to your son and ask. Don't guess the child who is being supported until you've spoken to the school though!

Would agree with 2468 re. mentioning individual child before spoken to school.

Your ds sounds lovely.

I used to explain that just as some children find it more difficult than others to run fast/ count backwards/ read the free reading books, some children find it harder than others to play together well and they need help to practice and learn.

I'd just tell ds that somebody in his class needs some extra help learning to play well and that ds had been selected as a really good 'player' for some special games. If he guesses who it is that might help him understand some of the problems better and not just think of X as a 'naughty boy'. I wouldn't suggest to your ds this was optional or it might lead to a boycott by all the fed up dcs. Instead describe it as a special privilege as he's so helpful and friendly.

You can be sure the dcs who don't get asked will be very jealous and if your ds chooses to opt out he'll regret it when the other chosen dcs get to go out to play early and play the special games or whatever it involves.

Sounds like they are setting up a buddy system. This is something my DH suggested to help our DS 8, but I am really not comfortable about it TBH I don't think it's fair that another Dc should have this responsibility.

Have a chat with him as others have suggested, there would be nothing stopping him from changing his mind if he does decide to help.

Your Ds sounds really nice.

Hello everyone, thank you all for such great and detailed replies. I'm so sorry I didn't come back to the thread - I lost my internet connection at home and haven't been able to log in at work (until now :) .

Just to bring you up to date: today is back to school and as the sessions were going to begin today I thought I'd better mention it to DS. He was chuffed and I could tell he wanted to help. I didn't actually mention my suspicions about who the other child was but he did and said it would be good if it was because then it would be helping everyone.

I rang the school this morning to chat it through with them and although they couldn't/wouldn't tell me who it was (not that it really matters) I expect I'll find out from DS later on. They said he wouldn't miss any maths/english and the sessions would be just half an hour every other day with about 4 children. They've been working with the boy on his own already and now feel that they want to include others. It was his class teacher who suggested he would be a good role model. She helped me feel okay about it and I'm proud that the school are taking an active interest in helping this child integrate.

Thank you again for all your helpful suggestions and nice comments :)

Your son sounds lovely!

If it helps any crazy my lad was the recipient of one of these schemes a couple of years ago - now it's the other round sometimes as he's paying it forward by helping other kids in different ways. If the adults supervise properly it can be a good learning experience for all involved.

Hmm what I have seen happen a lot, is a group 'bullying' a child by changing the rules when a particular child is 'it' or refusing to be tug.Or it may be that child is a slow runner and can never catch anyone and spends the whole playtime being 'it'.There must be a reason why he is getting so frustrated! I think this is probably the schools way of tackling the above situation