Girl obsessed with weight - should I discourage friendship

[GooseyLoosey]

dd is 8.

There is a girl in her class who has made comments about her weight eg "you could be a little slimmer".

Dd is not in any way over weight. She is not super skinny, but there is not an ounce of fat on her, no tummy and you can see ribs. She does cross country running, gymnastics, competitive cycling and swimming out of school, so no shortage of exercise either.

This girl was recently around at our house and could be heard quizzing dd about her diet and telling her that she should not eat some things.

I think it may be relevant that the girl is from another culture and I know from friends from the same background that there is a bit of an obsession with weight. Her mother also managed to mention eating at pick-up.

Dd does not have any body image problems (indeed she is infact rather beautiful - according to other people). However, she does lack self esteem in other ways.

Would you decline a return invitation to this girl's house or even raise it with the school so they can have a chat about positive body image?

Positive body images are always good. I think it would be an excellent opportunity for the school and would also fill them in on what's been going on.

If my daughter had a friend whose views I disliked I wouldn't invite her or her parents to my house. But that's me.

I don't think I will invite her again, but would you actively discourage your child to pursue this friendship? I think it is so very easy for girls to become obessesed with how they look.

I think I'd have a word with school and also discourage the friendship before they both get older. Dd is now ten and whilst she is tiny and petite she has a classmate who constantly mentions dd's size and what she eats. Ironically this girl is overweight and probably weighs double what dd does but I think she tries to build her own self esteem by pulling down others as dd isn't the only one subjected to this. Have to say this is getting more intense as dd has gotten older and the difference in size has grown larger. I advise dd to keep away whilst I wait for one of her victims to point out the obvious that she should be more concerned about her own size than others (dd believe it or not hasn't yet noticed )

Interesting to hear it has intensified as the girls have got older. I was wondering if I was over reacting and if this wad normal amongst young girls. You don't think the school will think it's nothing to do with them?

I think in year five when some children are well into puberty and others are still child like then body shape does become more of a topic for discussion. The girl in question certainly focuses more on dd's size now now than she used to quite probably because the difference between them now is greater than ever. Dd is the smallest child in her year as she has been throughout school but now some of the children including the child in question are a foot or more taller rather than 4 to 6 inches as they have been previously. She obsesses over what dd eats even though dd has a tiny appetite and eats very little but will suggest that she shouldn't eat a biscuit because she will get fat where she will happily eat 3 or 4. I have spoken to the school of course I'm not aware of what they are doing but much of the commenting takes place in the yard.

I would not encourage this friendship.

I would feel the same - I wouldn't encourage the friendship and I would probably go overboard with trying to boost my daughter's self esteem and confidence. I have 2 daughters and this is something that does worry me for the future as times have changed and it seems more common. We had a girl in my class who was anorexic (it was obvious and the school and all of us knew). She was a nice girl but she had a lot of problems, she eventually just left the school at some point. luckily she never once tried to push her thoughts on food on to anyone else, the poor girl was very withdrawn and very sad. I often wonder what she ended up doing in life.

I think it most definitely is part of the school's responsibility. Schools are supposed to encourage healthy eating and education about it and as part of their pastoral care I think they would be keen to try and help both this girl and prevent any 'spread' of these views.

my youngest daughter has obviously heard a lot of talk about healthy eating at preschool and how they should have fruit and vegetables etc, which she does, but I also let them have biscuits and chocolate or sweets or cake as treats as they are small children and are always on the go burning it off. Often she will say something like 'am I allowed this? it isn't healthy' when I give her something and I think that is sad when she is skinny and perfectly healthy. I think the message seems to have gone a bit overboard.

So in a nutshell (sorry I waffled) I would discourage the friendship, try hard to build positive body image and self esteem and speak to the school and see if they can include a session somewhere to talk about how a balanced diet can also include treats, how you need some amount of fats and oils in your diet to be healthy etc and positive body image.

Interesting about the healthy eating. I too have had conversations
with the CDs which indicate that the message has not quite got though as intended.

This girl has not been in this country that long and I wonder if she and her family are unaware of how these comments may be perceived. No polite way I can see of dropping a hint though.

We're trying to stir DD away from two girls who sadly are beginning to have a slightly suspect attitude towards food. In both cases the mothers have struggled with weight and insecurity during adolescence.

DD has swimming lessons with one, a slender athletic girl, fit with ribs showing but the mother is worried about her eating too much dinner.

The other according to DD picks at her perfectly lovely packed and then suggests to the others that they are unhealthy, fat, etc. This girl is by the end of school totally grumpy & starving then goes home and despite the best intentions of her mother eats lots of crisps, snacks etc than very little dinner.

I feel sorry for these kids but not at the expense of my DD mental confidence.

Lunch, packed lunch.

As for the healthy eating stuff I 'm tired of unraveling the healthy eating confusion for my kids. We eat three square meals plus a limited about of snacks. Within in that framework butter is not 'bad', a few crisps on a plate along with a sandwich and some salad is not a sin. Why can't they warn them about all the weird stuff that goes into diet, low fat , 'healthy' breakfast bars, etc.

I am relieved it isnt just me trying to explain that snacks etc are all fine in a balanced diet. One of mine went overboard on hygiene after they made a big thing about it at preschool too. I am fussy about it but even i was shocked how she interpreted it all.

Drop her. Whether or not they're dangerous, food freaks are a dreadful bore.

Unanimity then. She's a nice girl in other ways though so it's a shame. How to explain why I keep on turning down her invite though?

Not sure if this has been said, but I would have a frank conversation about body image and what other children say and the motives and home influences for them saying these things. I never talk about dieting, wobbly thighs, excess fat or "unhealthy" dietry choices in front of my DDs, (7 and 4). I just try to give them a balanced diet and give them their 5 a day and plenty of exercise.

I would not have her over again. Maybe make yourself busy for a while. Ask other, less food obsessed friends over more often so she doesn't feel like she's missing out socially.

I think that if the comments about food/diet were the only problem with this particular child and I heard her speaking like that to my DD I would have a frank conversation with the child about how inappropriate such comments are and explain why I thought so.

I have no problem having a reasonable discussion about behaviour that is acceptable in our home when DDs friends are over ( but then again, I am a primary school teacher) You never know, the child could be offending a host of others at school and alienating herself from other friendships - you are probably doing her a favour by explaining how inappropriate and offensive such comments are.

Hadn't considered taking directly to the child. Not sure how her parents would take it. I did intervene during her questioning of dd and said that what other people ate was not a subject for discussion in our house, but went no further than that.

Well if you did speak to her and then she said something to her parents who decided they didn't like it, then that solves the problem of whether to invite her over again .
Sounds like you did the most sensible thing by saying what you did say. As long as your daughter is clear that for some people, food can be a problem and this girl's comments reflect her problematic attitude and not anything based in reality, that shouldn't prevent a good friendship.
If she keeps up with the food bossiness, your daughter is most likely going to tire of her very quickly and come to her own conclusions about what makes a good friend!!

This sounds just like me when I was her age. My bf was totally obsessed, in fact her dad was hospitalised with anorexia. Her comments had not one jot of influence on me whatsoever. If I ever brought the subject up my parents talked about how her views were perhaps not the norm and they just had "everything in moderation".

I'd talk to your dd and trust her.

Also agree that dd will probably realise herself soon too. People obsessed with diet and food really are boring. Now I've written that down I ram obsessed with food, but that's 'cause I'm a greedy pig and love my food, does that make me boring too?

I honestly wouldn't leave it to the school, we had to have lots of conversations after the healthy eating messages at school. Was really saddened at a party when DS bf said he couldn't eat the chocolate cake because it was unhealthy. He is very skinny and had just spent 2 hours on a trampoline and running around in the garden. Luckily his dad is very sensible and talked to him about it there and then.

I also don't try to talk about diets or my body in front of the DC. DH has lost a lot of weight recently but we talk about how healthy and fit he feels now that he takes regular exercise and he still eats with us.