DS2 in trouble for behaviour in playground.. help!

[LemonBreeland]

DS2 is in P1 (YR equivalent in England). I have been called to a meeting with the Deputy HT becuase of his behaviour in the playground.

Apparently he has been in the playground book a lot and on monday punched somebody quite hard. This is the first I have heard of any bad behaviour as the school do not tend to inform us of anything until it is very serious.

I am very upset about this and don't know what to do as DS is not like that at home. I am not one of these parents who is blind to their childs faults, and he is not perfect by any means, but he doesn't hit at home.

I feel so pathetic going into this meeting tomorrow and feeling like I don't know what to do. This is the first time as a parent that I have ever fely completely lost as to how to deal with a situation.

Will school expect me to come up with solutions? Or will they have a plan of action?

Have you asked your child what happened? What does he say?

You'll have to wait and see what they say and how if/how they are going to punish him for this.

There may be another side to the story also. Why was your son so angry?

A similar thing happened when ds1 was in reception, I assured the school that I was supporting them and also helping ds to walk away from trouble. He was getting wound up by another child and getting fed up of being punched. So he punched the child back. (he'd come home with bruises and I went in to see teacher...another story!)
Can't say I blame him, but he had to learn NEVER to hit back. To tell a teacher.
Don't worry, good luck with the meeting.

I wouldn't teach my child never to hit back but I will teach them that hitting people is wrong. Sometimes as a child, or an adult, you have to hit back.

Find out from your child what really happened. Dont blindly trust what the school tells you. Most of the times the teachers are too busy to go into what really happened and punish the "obvious" suspect and then slowly that child acquires a "reputation"! Ask the school for the sequence of events and " gently" find out from your child if that is true. If your child doesnt hit at home then trust him and get to the bottom of it.

What else has he been in the playground book for?
Does he play with other same-age children outside of school? How does he get on with them? Do you/an adult need to supervise closely?

Thanks for the replies. It is difficult to get a full story from him as he adds more every time he speaks about it. I do think he is being wound up and doesn't know how to deal with it sometimes.

I don't know what else he has been in the book for as i've only just heard about it.

Outside of school he is fine with other children and he doesn't need close supervision at all. This is why it is upsetting for me as it is not behaviour I'm used to seeing from him.

I meant to add that I do worry that he will be labelled naughty and that is not a good start to his school career.

I feel that it is partly that he doesn't know how to deal with people who are annoying him, I think that it is just a maturity thing, obviously he can't continue the way he is going but I just want to help him. :(

You sound like a caring and supportive mum who is genuinely surprised by some out-of-character behaviour from your DS, and who wants to help him learn how to deal with difficult situations appropriately. I think that if you tell the school what you have told us here, you and your DS will be absolutely fine, and you don't need a plan of action because they will have some ideas and will just be seeking your support and co-operation in implementing them.

And please try not to worry, teachers can tell the difference between an aggressive child and one who just needs a little bit of gentle steering in the right direction, and there aren't many parents who haven't been shocked by their child's behaviour at some point.

FWIW I can remember my DD being punched by a little boy when she was in Y1 - she was one of many he thumped for no good reason, but his parents and the school worked together to sort it out and a year later he was a different child (it probably took less time than that, but I can only remember that by the following summer he was DD's best friend and came to her birthday party). Teachers, and other parents, only get frustrated if the child is allowed to carry on without any sign that efforts are being made to correct the behaviour I think.

LearnandSay - I know what you mean about hitting back. Now that he's older he realises that there will be times when he has to defend himself.

This is what the school policy was and in a meeting with the class teacher I had to agree.

Lemon - you could talk about strategies for when he gets frustrated.
I had the same worries as you about my ds being labelled and it hasn't turned out that way at all. Do not worry yourself too much!

adeucalione your post is lovely and has almost made me cry. I suppose you are right that the school will just want me to be aware and make sure I'm on the same page as them.

WowOoo I will try and talk to him about appropriate responses to behaviours of others. I did try to mention it last night but he was rather upset.

Good luck lemon, let us know how you get on.

Thank you I will. I spoke to my childminder today too, and she has never experienced any bad behaviour from him either. Some days she 4 boys who are aged between 4 and 6 together too.

You must support the school and reinforce any punishment they give, e.g. Loss of something special for a period of time. Then ensure that he understands that he must play appropriately and if wound up walk away and speak to an adult if that doesn't resolve the situation.

So I had my meeting this morning and cried as I knew I would.

It turns out that DS2 is hitting kicking or throwing stones when he doesn't get his own way with his friends.

The consequences are a 5 minute time out, but he obviously doesn't understand this as being a punishment as when I asked him what happens when he goes in the book he said 'nothing'.

So I have agreed with the DHT that he will be brought inside immediately after he does something. He will also miss the next playtime and I will be informed. Hopefully more serious consequences will help him not to act like this.

I am also going to speak to him about how to react when he doesn't get his own way or like something.

I'm sorry it was a difficult meeting for you OP, but you know the worst of it now and can work on drawing a line under it so that you are never in this position again. It sounds as if you and the school have got a plan to work together, and I don't think it will be very long before you begin to see an improvement, your lovely boy just needs a bit of help that's all.

Thanks, once I got over the emotions of the meeting I did feel better and it probably wasn't as bad as I was dreading.

he is the equivalent of Y1 (age 5 to 6) I think not reception which is (4 to 5)
Could I just reassure you fighting at this age is very very common.the school are punishing, you don't have to.What you do need to do is talk through each incident with him to identify the trigger, and work on different strategies to try next time the situation arises.

Thanks bangwhizz. I said YR as it is his first year of school so he is the same in that respect.

I'm happy that school are now going to keep me informed. As one issue I have with this school is that they don't seem to communicate much back to the parents.

Have a sensible discussion with DH