Dirty protest

[RosemaryandThyme]

Hello, DS age 6 has for the past week been smearing poop across toilet walls, when questioned he says he wants lots of germs so that he gets ill and wont have to go to school.
Has anyone had an experiance like this ?
Other than making him clear it up and checking with school, teachers view is that he is boisturious - not sure what to make of it all, thanks

My first reaction would be to question why and if is is actually unhappy at school or if its attention seeking.

Is he in y1? Did he go to the same reception? Does he have many friends? Has anything happened recently at home or school that's upset him?

I would probably explain too that he has to clean up any poo.

And could he be taken to the toilet at home and school for the time being to try an discourage this behaviour?

I'd speak to his teacher. What is it about school that he doesn't like? (The poo itself may be a side issue. I hear of children making themselves ill, having sore tummies, screaming, crying and so forth to try to get out of school.)

So I really do need to spek to school then, yes he is Y1, has been at same school from reception, clever a bit ie he does maths and english with Y2 children.
Friendships are a bit tricky to be honest, only 8 boys in his year group, play seems to involve the same boy choosing that everyone plays armies each break and that 7 are to be goodies and my lad is the baddie, when he says he doesn't like being the baddie (as it involves constantly running to try and catch-up with the rest of them, if he does catch up they pull him down and all bundle him) he wanders around on his own.
Teacher has said he "needs to learn to discrimiate friendships", I'm not clear what she means other than keep encouraging him not to be the baddie character.

Well the'goodie and baddie' play needs to be knocked on the head. Ask school if they can discourage it.

Would it be possible to invite a boy from his class round for tea once a week or arrange a few hours on the park together at weekends? Might help him to build a bond between friends?

Teacher has said he "needs to learn to discrimiate friendships

Teacher needs to remember that he is just 6 years old!

Sounds like he needs a bit of extra reassurance at the moment. Y1 can be tough - so much more formal than Reception.

Can you make some extra time for some more one to one time, games, walks? Doesn't matter what really as long as it's together and gives him an opportunity to chat. My DS had an episode similar to this (minus the poo) and he would open up on walks and when we did baking.

Make an appt to see the classteacher. Ask specific questions - How is he interracting with peers in class? Has there been any effect on his work? Does school have any specific concerns about his behaviour? What strategies are school going to employ re. playtimes? Ask for a copy of the school's Anti-Bullying Policy too.

The playground dynamics must change - it sounds like bullying to me - and it is only school that is responsible for that, not your 6 year old!

Good luck.

That playground game sounds like bullying by another name to me. It's just really an excuse for all the other boys to gang up on your DS. I would be making an appointment to speak to his form teacher about stopping this game immediately.

He sounds like an unhappy little boy to me, which is not surprising if the other boys are ganging up on him.

Doesn't it sound as if the teacher is being a bit ineffectual? Upthread it looks as if all she's willing or able to do is suggest that the boy refuses to be the baddie and makes better friends. I think a teacher could actually do a lot more such as teach the boys what respecting each other any playing nicely means and involves. She could also get involved in giving the pupil in question alternatives to do while he makes better friends. But nobody can make the teacher into a better carer. She might be a brilliant teacher in all other respects.

No matter what the context, poo smearing is pretty extreme and I would be down there staging a sit in until they could tell me why my child was so disturbed he was doing it.

I agree you should make a formal appointment, possibly with class teacher and head teacher.

You need to talk to the school urgently. He is being bullied, and is so unhappy that he's smearing poo on the walls to try to tell you. Ring up and make an appointment now,

An appointment with who, though?

Have you taken him to the GP? I would ask specifically for a referral to CAMHS! If not definitely to a Paediatrician.

You and him need some professionals on your side. He may have a SN/SEN, he is certainly unhappy. The school sounds horrible to be honest, and the teacher uncaring.

The game sounds to me like bullying and if the teacher knows about this game and can't see that it's bullying then she needs a wake-up. Ask her out of the 7 other boys in his year who she suggests your DS is friends with?

I would make an appointment to see the teacher and Head at the same time. That way you won't need to repeat yourself and you already have alerted the head teacher to the problem.

Thank you so much - I hadn't been seeing it as bullying and feel like I've just seen the light !
Yes to definatley making some quiet time activities to help him open up, as a middle child of two gregarious siblings he probably needs much more of this than I've been giving.

And I'll go in a speak to the teacher today, I'd been in a grey cloud foolishly thinking that he could cope - time for mummy to step-up - Thank you !

Can you move him? 8 is far too small a friendship pool.

Good luck.

Well done RosemaryandThyme, for acting quickly.

Don't be fobbed off.

Loads of luck & best wishes for a happy little DS very soon.

That game is definitely bullying and the school's response is completely inappropriate for a child of six. For contrast, last year DD was being mildly excluded by some children in her class in a similar way and as soon as I told the teacher about this, she rewrote the rules of the game so that it involved children taking turns in different roles and had a serious talk to all of them about including everyone and playing in a kind way. It was a similarly small friendship group (class of 16). The bad behaviour stopped immediately.

Poor boy. I hope the teacher is helpful.

Did you speak to the teacher op?
How's you're ds been today?

Am making progress, spoke to class teacher at collection yesturday, she started down the road of Ds being in the wrong, I gave a description of the games, Ds fealings and the fact I felt a whole class approach was needed, teacher did say she might speak to the class.

Coming home I felt that more oomph was needed so last night DH and I wrote long letter, with lots of suggestions as to how we could help, including offering to supply playground toys, go in and speak with the children ourselves, demonstrate some old fashioned playground games, continue to keep a close eye on and bring to a stop any rough and tumble play at home and ensure Ds didn't watch aggressive TV / films.

Confess to being too wobbly to hand letter over in person - tucked into Ds zippy as it's book change day.

Did have a bit of a shout at Ds last night, along the lines of why are you still playing the baddie role, poor kid in tears - rubbish mummy moment.

He agreed to try playing with one lad who is a bit younger, really timid and not at all rough and tumble - went to school early to see if the two of them could chat a bit and Ds did go over and they were having a slow motion game of it when I left.

Crikey parenting is hard.

Thank you for the thought that 8 is too small.

I would speak to someone else other than this teacher. She sounds as if she's in denial to me.

I would talk to someone else, too. The things you've suggested like teaching them playground games, talking to the class, making sure there are playground toys etc are things the school should be doing anyway, not some kind of optional added extra. The school has a responsibility to keep your son safe. They aren't doing it. I think he would have to be really very distressed to be doing what you've described. It sounds quite desperate, poor boy.

In the mean time, I was offered some good advice on here when my DD had some similar issues about roleplaying how she could stop people being mean. You be your DS to start with and get him to role play the boys who are excluding him and use all the adult tools you have at your disposal - walking away, telling them their game is boring, saying he's going to find someone more fun to play with, telling a teacher (he should do this EVERY time people are being unfair or unkind - if nothing else it gives them an incentive to deal with it), learning to say 'you're not the teacher, you can't tell me what to do' etc. Then swap roles and you be the 'baddies' and give him an opportunity to practise it. Let him win a bit at first and then make them a bit more pushy and mean. Having practised saying/doing this stuff should make it easier for him to follow through with it IRL.

Will do role play more, thank you.

Yes I agree teacher is not really likely to actually do anything, also she is leaving at Easter, I've used writing a letter as I know that written communications from parents have to be passed to the headmaster, I am anticipating a call from him, he has always followed through with (much smaller) issues in the past.
I have a parents evening tonight, class teacher wont be there as she delegates it to her assistant, assistant will be very nice and smiley and try her hardest not to go anywhere near any issues.
Am unsure if I should say anything or give school a chance to implement something.

I think in your shoes I'd mention it - something along the lines of 'of course, DS has been having some social problems as you will already know' - and see what she says. Having said that, I am a bit shocked at the teacher not being present at a parents evening! Is that normal for your school? I would consider that completely unacceptable, regardless of whether or not she is leaving soon. I hope the new teacher is a bit more helpful.

I would question if the letter you wrote has been passed to the ht and maybe if he's available for a talk later.

they sound dreadful

can you move schools? doesn't sound like he is happy there at all, especially if he doesn't really have any friends