Playdate and sleepover etiquette - anybody?

[MummySurrey]

Hello there.

My name is Theresa and I'm very new to this site - I have been liking in the background for a couple of weeks now, and am sure this is the right place to post my query and get some very sound advice from you lovely Mumsnetters.

The situation is this. We are due to exchange in our lovely new house in Surrey soon and our son is due to start at his new prep school in the new term. Surrey is a new area to us and we won't have family or friends nearby - this is a big move for us - new start etc.

I'm keen to gets things off on the right foot at the school gates and ensure that I can make it as easy for my son as possible to make friends and enable this life transition for him to go as smoothly as possible. He's a lovely lad - quite techy and geeky and sometimes a little socially awkward - pretty much like his mum I suppose ....

Now I know this isn't going to happen overnight but I'm wondering what the social etiquette is with play dates and sleepovers?

Please advise me - I'm desperate for my son to fit in but don't want to be overly suffocating or demanding of the other parents - it's a fine line, I guess?

Be friendly to the other parents and when your DS has been there a couple of weeks you can ask him and the teacher with whom he is playing. Then just slip a letter to the parents of these children in his bag and see what happens.

Check if the class has a class rep, they often keep contact lists and also see if the parents do some kind of socialising together. Our class is great, we go for coffee, drinks, dinner etc.

Sleepover: you may want to keep this a bit behind. Unless I know my DD knows another parent very well and DH and I too I wouldn't let her go easily. DD had a couple of sleepovers and days out with friends but only where we know the parents for a couple of years and also are friends with them. There is a certain amount of trust necessary.

How old is DS?
I'd wait and see how he settles in and ask after a few weeks if there's anyone he'd like to have home to play.

If you're doing pickup/drop off yourself I'd also suggest introducing yourself to other parents in his class. You may well find some that are unfriendly but most will be happy to talk - maybe ask about how they find the school or where the good playgrounds are.

I'd suggest physically asking a parent rather than a note, unless you don't see them - most parents won't send their child to a random adult's house that they've never met.

I'd also suggest keeping sleepovers until friendships are more established.

This depends on individual schools too - at my niece's prep school having friends over to play after school is "not the done thing" - but they do have friends over in the holidays. This is the sort of thing you're more likely to find out if you actually talk to parents as well!

I would not rush into anything, although I know it's very tempting! In my experience, the children your child likes in the first few weeks are not the children your child likes by the end of term, and it will change again as the year goes by. Wait at least a month, bide your time, then perhaps approach a parent of a child your ds has mentioned and ask them to tea. Sleepovers not for a while, I agree.

I think the time at which people are comfortable with sleepovers depends on the friendliness of the class in general as well as whether the children are ready. Maybe we've been lucky but we've always found that teas and sleepovers come quite quickly - you'll be able to gauge it better once you get there and meet people. Often the easiest one to have for tea initially is the one who lives closest, even if your child isn't particularly friendly with them (yet). I'd probably wait until you can speak to parents face to face, but not wait too long to start trying to get a few children over.
Is your ds going into an already established class? If so then you could ask the school now about parent reps, introduce yourself and try to find out whether anybody lives close. Or for a completely new intake they may issue a list.