Is this a very worrying account of a Y1 child's lunchtime? Very worried about ds1

[lecce]

He moved school in Feb and part of our reason for moving house was to get him into a different school as he didn't seem to fit in well at his old school. Tbh, his one and only friend was/is a boy we knew from outside school. I should add that he never seemed upset, did mention playing with others, teachers always said he was fine and so did dh, who does all the school runs. However, I felt something was wrong.

When he moved, he seemed to settle in well and began mentioning a particular boy he likes. Then he started saying that this boy was telling him he couldn't play with him.

Yesterday, he says he began playing with this boy and a couple of others but that they told him he couldn't play anymore as it was too complicated. Then he went to find someone else and they said he could join in if he found a hoop, he tried to but couldn't. Then he found a girl from his class and told her about the Roman Empire. He asked her if she had heard of Odyssius (sp) but she hadn't.

It breaks my heart writing that out, I am nearly in tears as I type. He has started chewing the collar of his top (trying to stop thumb sucking) and it was sodden yesterday. I just have this image of him plodding around, chewing his top, trying to find someone to play with. Why does he think telling someone about the Roman Empire is a good way to start a game??

He is not upset, and I had to ask a lot of questions to get that out of him. But I feel something is not right.

I would dearly love some advice, I am so worried about him.

Oh bless you, that does sound difficult, but tbh probably more for you than him, as you say he's not upset.

Someone on another thread said this book is very good, it might be of some help?

Sorry i can't give any proper advice, hopefully someone more helpful will be along soon.

I would check with the teacher. I have been told by DS that he spent all of playtime trying to find someone to play with before, but I help at the school, and whenever I have been there he has been running around quite happily playing with other children. I suspect that if it takes them a few minutes to find someone to play with, that is the bit of playtime they remember, so that is what you hear about. Everything that you have described sounds quite normal, and would not worry me at all.

What is it you feel is not right? Your DS sounds quite happy from what you have said. Is there something in particular that is causing you to feel concerned?

Really feel for you, but also wonder what it was you felt was wrong? And why you thought this school would be different/better than the last one? I understand why you got upset, because we want them to be happy and popular don't we, but it's quite intangible and he isn't upset and you've no reports (from teachers, DH) of him being upset. You say he had a friend at the other school and played with other kids too. Apart from the nervous habit and the Roman thing, which ime are both totally normal for these strange little creatures we've made, what is it that worries you so?

Oh lecce. DD (also Y1) needs a whole new set of school cardigans as she has chewed the wrists of all of them! They all do this. Or have some other funny habit. Don't worry about that. And my DD would have been interested in Odysseus because she loves Horrible Histories. For her that would have been a good way to start a game. She's always coming home with some random fact that XYZ at school told her. At 6 they think it's great. Her best friend is obsessed (as in obsessed) with dogs and gives her endless dog facts (neither of them actually has a dog!).

Don't think of your son as the weird one who doesn't know how to fit in...to be honest at 6 they are all weird. They are all interested in everything and nothing and are completely capricious and are best friends one day and total strangers the next. From what you've said he sounds like he's just right but it's going to take some time. Can you break it down into bits and do a few playdates and let him build up a few relationships slowly? I know when DD's friend joined the school a year after everyone else it took the best part of six months for her to feel at home.

he never seemed upset, did mention playing with others, teachers always said he was fine and so did dh, who does all the school runs. However, I felt something was wrong

Could you be more specific? Did something happen? Was something said? Why on earth would you move a child who seemed happy and whose teacher said he was fine?

Yesterday, he says he began playing with this boy and a couple of others but that they told him he couldn't play anymore as it was too complicated. Then he went to find someone else and they said he could join in if he found a hoop, he tried to but couldn't. Then he found a girl from his class and told her about the Roman Empire. He asked her if she had heard of Odyssius (sp) but she hadn't

All of this is normal Year 1 behaviour. Children can be very blunt and outspoken. If there is a problem, your ds should tell the adult on duty and they will make sure that he has someone to play with.

Sorry to be blunt myself but crying about it isn't going to help him is it? Schools have loads of strategies for helping children integrate and all you need to do is to teach your ds to speak to the adult on duty. If he still has problems he should go back to the adult. The same adult if possible. And he should tell his teacher. Children of this age make friends and break friends in an instant. It's no good getting yourself in a tizz over something that can so easily be resolved.

Who has decided that he needs to stop thumb sucking? There is no reason to try and force this on him, he will stop by himself in his own good time.

He is not upset, and I had to ask a lot of questions to get that out of him. But I feel something is not right

Do you see what you are doing here? He is not upset. He doesn't have a problem with this. He is probably perfectly happy 95% of the time. You are making him find things to be upset about. This is not good for him at all.

OP, I think it is your own anxieties coming out here and that you are projecting your own worries onto your child. You have already moved him once because of perceived problems, please don't do it again unless there really is an extremely good reason.

Have you considered talking to a counsellor about your own worries and fears concerning your child?

Thank you for all the replies.

It is good to hear that it doesn't sound too bad.

Fairenuff Thank you for your frank and thoughtful post. A lot of what you have said does ring true, but I just wanted to make clear that I am not insane enough to sell up and move based on a niggle that ds may have been unhappy at school . We would have moved anyway, but were pleased to think we were moving to an area where he stood a better chance of fitting in.

I admit that I am probably bringing my own issues to it but I have heard it said so often that ds is 'quirky' and seen him struggle a bit too around other children that I do worry. I think my main problem is that I feel so powerless about it all. Dh is sahd and does all the school runs and I feel I don't get to see what is going on. To make matters worse, he has MS and is having a relapse at the moment that is affecting his speech. This is stopping him communicating with parents on the(new) school - run and therefore stopping us from arranging play-dates which seem to be, to so many people on here and in RL, the main way of helping dc form friendships.

Tbh, I am stressed at the moment and worrying about anything and everything. I won't grill ds about his lunchtime again .

lecce I posted something very similar concerning my DS last September after he'd started school, and got some good advice on here. I think you should trust your instinct if you feel that something is wrong. I was in tears after I sneaked down to school one lunchtime and saw my DS sitting all alone :( but now, a few months on, he's settled happily at school and plays with a number of different children.

Some of the advice I was given was to speak to the teacher and ask how my DS was settling in, and also to ask if there was any 'buddy' scheme for new pupils. And as others have said, it's worth trying to arrange some play-dates if you can, DS's best friend (at the moment!) is the result of arranging a play-date after school one day. I appreciate it's difficult if you're not in the playground at pick-up time, but perhaps if you took him one of the local parks at the weekend he might see some children he knows from school?

Huff would it be a good idea to do a link to your thread so that lecce can have a look at the advice you were given. I think I remember you saying about your ds, glad to hear he's settled in well now.

Lecce once your dh is feeling well enough, perhaps he could join the schools PTA and get to know some of the parents. The more involved he is with school, the more aware he will be of ways to help your ds. It doesn't really matter if your son is 'quirky', as someone said upthread, they are all pretty quirky at that age. It's what makes them so delightful!

Definitely talk with the teacher if you are still concerned.

Hi will try to link, apologies if it doesn't work www.mumsnet.com/Talk/primary/1569842-Just-snuck-down-to-see-DS-at-lunchbreak-now-Im-crying

The way I've read your posts, I'm thinking you aren't concerned about the school, so much as worrying about your ds's social skills / play skills / interaction skills ? If I've got the right end of the stick, then I suggest you ask the teacher if you can make an appointment to talk about your concerns, when ds isn't there, and go in, explain what you think is unusual about him, and see what she thinks. It will be another opinion from someone who actually knows him and sees him every day, and will either reassure you, or, if she agrees with you, give you a starting point as to how you can help him.
HUGE apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick entirely. As others have said, any of the things you have posted happen in playgrounds up and down the country every day, but, if you have that 'feeling' there's something, then it really is best to talk to someone else who knows him.

I would definitely speak to the teacher. DD1 is in Year 1 and her teacher is quite hot on this sort of thing.

For example, she knows there's a few issues with some of the girls atm - mainly some saying "You can't play with us", "You can only play if you play this game" type of thing, and she's doing circle time with the girls in class to try and help with this.

They also have a buddy system, where each child is paired with another and they talk about stuff at a certain time in the day (discussing stuff they're learning about) and I think she often pairs them carefully so they are matched with someone appropriate (e.g. she's matched dd1 atm with someone else who is quite quiet generally so they feel comfortable talking a bit more than if she was paired with someone quite loud iyswim)