How would you deal with this?

[Hadeda]

Sorry if this is long, but I don't want to drip feed.

DD (5) is in reception. Tonight she came down after I'd put the DCs to bed and pretty soon she burst into tears and told me "Miss XXX (the TA) shouted at me and told me I never listen." DD was really very upset by it.

Back story: she is one of those "non-trouble maker" children who mostly just get on with things and so keep under the radar. She doesn't like being in trouble and she can be rather sensitive. She can also be a dreamer and I frequently land up shouting at her to get her going anywhere.

What seems to have happened is that the class was walking from their classroom to the school gate at the end of the day. The TA got cross with DD (she says she doesn't know why) and shouted at her. What really upset DD is that the words "you never listen" are factually incorrect. In her words "I do listen sometimes"(!!). My guess is that DD was either dawdling or didn't do so something she was asked and at the end of a busy day the TA just snapped at her but didn't mean she actually never listens.

But DD is very upset and I'd like to help her deal with it. I don't think it needs mummy storming in to see the TA. I suggested to DD that she ask the TA for some quiet time and then tell her she didn't understand why the TA was cross with her at home time. I'm quite sure the TA would deal with that sensitively. DD wasn't keen on this as she said "what if she shouts at me again". Basically I think she's too shy to do that. So perhaps I mention to the TA that she is upset about it, while making clear that as parents we aren't; it's just burning her ass so we'd like to resolve it.

I'm in a pickle because it's a storm in a teacup but DD is honestly upset. Do you think my suggestion is sensible???

I didn't want to read and run. I can totally understand your DD not wanting to approach the TA herself. As an adult I would have to gather myself to walk into that situation so it is a lot to ask of a 5 year old.

I think you are right in defining this as a storm in a tea cup and as such maybe it is just that your DD wanted someone to "off load" too and doesn't actually want you to do something about it. Imagine those cartoon with women saying to their clueless partners "I just wanted you to listen, I didn't actually want you to...(enter amusing thing here)". As such I would wait and see how your DD felt in a day or two. If she seems to have forgotten then don't raise it again. However if it is still playing on her mind after a few days then have a quiet word with the TA exactly as you say in your post so that you can tell DD that you have done this.

In my experience children normally get worried about these things in case the TA tells you and you are cross or at the obvious unfairness at the statement and their natural sense of right and wrong kicks in!

Good luck but I am sure everything will be fine.

Empathise but don't rescue.

Hadeda:

There's wrong on both sides and I think that is the point to get across to your DD.

My approach would be to say DD you're absolutely right to be upset, it's never nice to have someone shout at you, but do you think the TA had a point. And then discuss the fact that even you have found your DD doesn't pay attention much. My approach would be to honestly discuss how not being paid attention to can seem really rude to someone who's trying hard to teach you. More importantly, not paying attention may mean you miss out on something important - information about tomorrow's activities, instructions on how to do the next exercise, advice on how to sound out a word, a warning not to cross the street because a car is coming, etc....

If your DD is up to it, my advice would be to encourage your DD to apologise to the TA for not listening and say she'll try harder to pay attention in class. Odds are the TA will apologise as well (if she's wise) and all will be forgotten.

Paying attention can be really hard for children, but it is an essential skill - in essence it's about listening. At home, consider trying introducing more listening activities: audio books, music, talking about your day as a family over dinner. We play a lovely game in the car where words are added to a sentence - I went to the X and saw.... It changes by journey - so it may be I went to the beach or I went to the zoo, but remembering all those words helps build listening skills. The other thing we do is play junior David Attenborough and sit quietly in the garden and listen and watch the wildlife: birds, butterflies, bees, hoverflies, cats, squirrels, etc... It only works if you're calm, still and quiet and concentrating on hearing things.

HTH

Have you had her hearing checked?

If she's appearing not to listen, then it would be worth asking for that. Glue ear effects a lot of children, and it can make them seem dreamy and not listening.

I think saying "you never listen" is dreadful.
But, speaking from experience, my dd1 is like your dd. She will take from that statement, that the teacher is very unfair because it's not true-she listens sometimes. It has caused her problems going up the school because she can't stand things that are, to her eyes, unfair (to her or others)and she's very logical.

It's been hard work getting her to realise that sometimes things are unfair, sometimes there is no fair way of doing it. But sometimes they have to see beyond the "unfair" part and see what actually is being said-in this case "you need to listen better".

She had a teacher in year 5, who did a lot of the things teachers do (like swap round who got "table of the week" prize, for example). But wasn't very good at making it look fair, and dd1 came home in a permanent state of "it's not fair" which made it a very difficult year for her. It would have been nice f she could have shrugged off a lot of it as "one of those things", as I suspect most of the form did.

I would definitely talk to the teacher about it - not in an accusing way, but to let her know that dd was really upset and to check whether the TA did say and does think that (in which case there might be an issue to address). And, of course, my subtext would be to let the TA know she can't shout at my child and not expect comeback (if this was indeed the case - you do often find that the situation is slightly different to how your child interprets it).

I agree it is a huge thing to expect a 5-year-old to manage on her own.

I would not talk to the teacher about it - it sounds as if you have said all of the right things to your DD, and that's all that is required if you want a resilient child that doesn't expect you to 'have a quiet word' with the teaching staff every time they say something that upsets her.

Of course 'you weren't listening' would have been much better than 'you never listen' but it's hard for teachers and TAs to ensure that every word they utter is absolutely spot-on, and children are capable of understanding this just as they understand that parents aren't always perfect either.

squiddle - "And, of course, my subtext would be to let the TA know she can't shout at my child and not expect comeback".

Poor teachers. It would be very difficult to maintain good behaviour in a classroom if every parent felt like this I think. Seriously, teachers have to think twice about disciplining a child because there might be 'comeback'?

You missed out my bracketed bit though adeucalione. I would be completely willing to be put right if the dc had misinterpreted what is going on - but if the TA did shout and say 'you never listen' then that is pretty horrible and should be raised. The 'comeback' is having the issue raised, of course!!

Thank you everyone - there's a lot of really helpful thoughts here.
DD woke up this morning complaining of a headache. We got her dressed for school but she was definitely under the weather so put her back to bed in the end. She's running a temperature and vomited a little while ago. So any perceived misdeeds on the part of the TA are forgotten for now....

I'm not going to say anything for now but will leave DD space to raise it with me (iyswim?) so if it is still bothering her in a day or two we can decide what to do then. I specifically hadn't said anything to her about me speaking to the TA because I don't want her to think she can never be corrected at school.

DeWe - she does sound a bit like your DD, in that she likes things to be precise and correct. She's beginning to grow out of it but until recently would be honest about everything even if it hurt someone's feelings - eg my brother bought her a book she already had, so she told him so rather than just say thank you. I can see this perceived injustice thing is hard for her. Last night she told me "it makes me feel all hot in my tummy and I want to shout". We will keep working on less dreaming and more listening too...