Choosing a school for a 'quirky' child...

[BrittaPerry]

Dd1 is nearly six, and has been HE since Autumn. We are moving house and so having a look at the school that will be at the end of our street, even if it is just to try. Dd2 is three and would start school nursery in Sept, so DD1 could maybe start year two at the same time.

I'm going to ask to look round before we start making decisions, but what do I need to be asking?

DD1 is essentially a geek - we suspect she may have SN, possibly Aspergers, but we obviously have completely personalised learning at home so it isn't an issue academically, and we have been working on social stuff in small groups so she isnt overwhelmed and she is coming on leaps and bounds.

She is very clever, or at least I think she is, and people remark on it - she is working around two years ahead in most things, and more in some areas. She has a very literal view of the world and gets very stressed if things aren't 'right'. Her social skills are pretty lacking, but she gets by in small groups. She also wets herself most days. So labels aren't as important as what her own issues are.

What o I need o be asking to see if the school would be better than HE for her?

I was in a similar situation with DS1. When we moved I went to see the schools in the area and whilst the head was showing us around I mentioned that DS was currently HE'd as he was very anxious (didn't have his AS dx at that point).
One school was very dismissive. Obviously wasn't going to be right place for him.
Other school were great, found out his interests (history) showed him the historical parts of school, and where the history books were in the library etc. Said they were used to dealing with anxious children as had previous experience of autism. Very obvious would be right place for him.

My dd1 is quirky. She's 13 now, in her first year at high school (Scotland) and has coped with school mainly as her school is small (well it was for her - her year group at high school has just under 50 children, but it's become much more popular recently) and has a very distinctive ethos - the education is fully bilingual (this is in the state sector) and the school motto is "two languages, two cultures, multiple opportunities". So they also focus very heavily on the arts, our children play traditional instruments, dd1 plays the accordion! And she's gifted in Art and the school very much encourages that. But she is quirky, has had a few bullying issues with the "popular" girls, has a lovely little tight knit friendship group.

I couldn't home educate due to my own illness and disability, but I do think that going to school has forced dd1 (who is borderline for dyslexia/dyspraxia) out of her comfort zone, and I'm sure that has actually done her some good.

Can I suggest you post this in Special needs as well? I know there are lots of parents there with experience who don't always look at threads in other sections.

I suspect that the school will have concerns over her wetting herself and her social skills. Don't forget she will be joining a class who really know and understand how school works. This may mean that some of the expectations aren't spelled out anymore because they are so familiar, but that may distress your dd because she isn't sure what the parameters are.

So i would be looking for a friendly flexible school, one where they accept where she is coming from and meet her where she is. This is mostly about attitude, and just a gut feeling I think when you meet the head. I would suggest a program of visits and weaning her in gently as well, and make a plan with school and dd about things like spare clothes and toilets etc. Ask them directly how they deal with children who see the world differently and hear what they say

Little missgreen has it exactly, you need a school that feels approachable.

My 'quirky' dyslexic DD1 had by far the nicest, most successful time in Y5-Y6 because she had a brilliant teacher who was happy to listen and sort things out for her. She had her for Fridays in Y4 too and sorted out bullying issues that her normal teacher said were just her loosing things.

Her secondary school is huge, but again there are people in SN and in the pastoral care team who care, for whom pupils aren't just numbers.

It's very difficult to tell in a short visit if a school is right, I think it's easier to tell it one is wrong.

Finally, a word of caution. Very small schools can be very approachable and friendly, but a quirky, bright geek can be very lonely if they are the only one.

The DDs' school is combined years and some years have only 10 children. We lost a lovely, very bright girl to a bigger school because she hated standing out as being so far ahead of her peers and having no real friends. DD1 found a geeky soul mate in the year below, but as he's a boy that has its difficulties.

DD2 was incredibly lucky, she had the most academic cohort in years and their were 4 or five of them who formed a workable top table. Her class got on really well and I think it helped a lot that there were 20 something in her year, so they could jiggle friends when they annoyed each other.

Does the school have a vacant place in the right year group? It's the key question, but as there is usually some movement in and out of schools and you'll be living very close you'd be towards the top of the waiting list.

And has DD2 been offered a nursery place? (i'm guessing not, as you say "are moving" not "have moved", but I don't know when nursery offers are made, nor if there is an applications deadline). How important is it to have either/both so close to home? How many ore schools/nurseries are within reach? It's always a good idea to look around a few, as the differences in ethos tend to show up more sharply in comparison than if you are looking at just one.

There are several private nurseries in the area that dd2 could use - she went to ne for two days in our old town as she is very different to dd1 - very outgoing and energetic - so she loved it.

Schoolwise, only one that isn't church linked nearby, so that could be an issue.

It's not like HE isn't working, but part of our decision was the schools near o our old house (only one with a place was a long walk away and was Catholic, she went for a little while but it really wasn't working) so if there was a nice school on offer we would at least try it.

Obviously she knows none of this, as 'maybes' make her really anxious and unhappy, and she is having a hard enough time as it is atm.

My tuppence:

Wetting herself is the biggest issue. The others can get used to her wearing incontinent pants, but better accepted now than later.

The sooner she goes to school the better. The younger her peers are when they meet her the more likely they are to just accept her forever, quirks and all.

I would ask if she'll stay with the same peer group thru school or likely to change classmates often (you want consistency). A school that has exactly 30 intake for each year is ideal (not just published capacity, but actually exactly 30 or very close every year). Then she won't get mixed up as often with new peers, or maybe never.

There are drawbacks to fixed peer groups, too, but on the whole I would guess better for your DD.