4 year old unhappy at school

[Kirky12]

I've a 4 Year old DS who has always has problems integrating with other kids, impulse control issues, difficulty following instruction other than on a one to one level, has no real sense of authority. Since he started school - a private one- they have kept him in the preschool to help with routine but his behaviours has really not improved. They think he is unhappy and are very worried about his behaviour in the playground where he basically runs around pushing other kids. I've been on many occasions to suggest ways of encouraging him to take part ( not easy) but feel they are not listening. They also have made NO effort at all to keep him occupied at playtime, not easy at a state school granted but would expect even a week of trying to get into good relationships with other kids. I'm ally not sure where to go with this...they have asked for help from LA but that may take a while and I feel like everyday is a struggle. Apart from this he is very bright, very keen to learn and actually quite advanced for his age with problem solving , numbers, reading etc but none of this counts as his behaviour is so challenging. I'm just don't really know where tomgo next....should I change school, give up work, get a psychologist involved,

Well update is they basically want us to find somewhere more suitable...suggested Montessori etc. Not surprised and I think it's probably be best thing for him to move out of somewhere where he doesnt seem to have any connection with teachers or kids. Has anyone experiences of choosing montessori ? I'm still thnking state sector is probably best choice.

Is he August born or September born? I'm trying to work out if he's Yr R now, or still preschool?

The reason I say that is that there are only four montessori primary schools in the whole country at present, and they only use montessori methods in yr R/yr 1, not throughout the schools.

I love montessori and my DD3 thrives there - I'll be sad when she goes to school. However, montessori methods of learning aren't going to stop your DS struggling at school in the long term.

I think you need to investigate a state primary with a reputation for having children with SN - even if your DS turns out not to have SN per se, you'll know that the school is equipped to 'think outside the box'.

We are at a Montessori type nursery and despite the issues, they deal really well with our son (he is just 4) and really make an effort to work with him and us. Would definitely recommend this if you are able to do it, it can be a good option if you don't want to go down the SN route at the moment. Although of course this is just our experience, and there are some really good non private options too, with or without SN provision. Trust your instincts- I looked round a couple of really 'good' schools and knew that my son would just not get on there because he would just end up being naughty. Good luck.

We have Montessori school locally which is great but I am tempted by our state school with the 'inclusive' mandate ie they work with parents and SENCo if necessary to provide help for perhaps normal kids which might struggle a bit. His birthday is 30th August so he's officially youngest kid in R but has been in preschool - to be fair he'll not be behind in anything as he's pretty bright...I also think that I am going to have to give up work. His needs are out stripping the benefits - shame as I'll never get another job in my area as its ridiculously specialised and inLondon. We live about 1.5 hrs outside so I commute 3 hrs a day 3 days a week which I think is just too much time not to be around for him at this really difficult time. Did any of you change the amount of time you spent with your kids when problems arose?

Oh and did it help?

Kirky,

More time - yes. I was a SAHM BUT I had been working towards going back to work (my old work had a scheme whereby I could go back in for placements of a few months and I had been doing that, with a view to going back).

To 'mend' DS after he came out of school 1 I HEd - DD was at pre-school 5 afternoons a week at the time, so I did devote myself to his needs during that time.

I suspect that, for me, because the issues had become entrenched and had affected e.g his speech, that concentrated 'mummy time' was critical to getting him ready to re-enter school and succeed. For you, it may be that you've caught it earlier and he may not need that IYSWIM?

I did stay as a SAHM for almost a year after he returned to school, partly due to a move but also so that I was around for e.g. playing in the park outside school, where his 'social learning' really became embedded.

Apply for the state school and perhaps ask work about taking parental leave- iirc, you are entitled to up to 5 weeks unpaid parental leave; hopefully someone can confirm or deny this. You could also approach them about taking a sabbatical, although you may be in a job without that degree of flexibility.

Find out if your borough has an early years advisor; even private schools can make referrals, and they can provide support with transition etc.

A good school will be open to a transition plan, which may include staggered starts and additional support.

specialist Early Years teachers with a good understanding of early development and socialisation are often found in the state sector. It is important that he gets the help he needs now. You can apply to a state school on the grounds of SEN as you asked, you would need a statement, if you have no joy with your school getting a statement approach your doctor who may be able to get you refered. In fact once you have a statement, and your child has SEN, the local authority has some obligations to him. If you don't get a statement or you don't want to go through that process, you can also simply apply to local good state primaries, and hope a place comes up. If he has a good Early Years specialist teacher she or he will help him to socialise. Good luck and I am really pleased that you sound happier.