daydreaming 6-year old

[cmulvenna]

Hi everyone
I am having a bit of trouble with my 6yr old son (P3 in NI; year 2 on GB) - he's drifting off in class and not doing any work. I have been called in to discuss this with the teacher and I am trying to be as best prepped as I can, so I am hoping someone can advise.
The problem is, he's very smart, and the work going on in class boring. So he doesn't see the point in doing it - it's dull, and if he does it quickly, the teacher gives him more to do, so why on earth would he do that?
The teacher seems to be under the impression I can fix this, so I have tried to support her - serious chats have happened, as has withdrawal of privileges until he earns them back again. And yet here we are.
Frankly, I suspect that the solution to this problem is not mine; rather that she needs to improve her management of him and find a way to motivate him.
Is it normal that 6/7 year olds are set a piece of work and then left for 45mins and upwards to do it without any further supervision? Is that what they do now? It seems counterproductive to me - after 10 mins or so of doing nothing and not being corrected for it, surely it's implicit that doing nothing must be ok then?
Added to this, his friends have all deserted him and are refusing to let him join in their games. This includes a boy he has been friends with since preschool, and so he has now found himself friendless as he put all his eggs in this boy's basket. Now I know that 7 is the age when they all start settling into their own friendship groups, but the merciless exclusion is difficult to watch, and almost verges on bullying. It also started at around the same time as the difficult behaviour in class, so it's tempting to draw a connection.
I find myself feeling like a failure as a parent - should I be tougher on him? Am I letting him away with too much? He always completes his homeworks, and on time, and he's reading at about age 8-9 - school reading books are too easy, so he reads loads of better stuff at home.
Anyway, if anyone has any words of wisdom or has been there before I would love to hear it...
Thanks for reading!
Caroline

Does he complete his homework if left to his own devices or does he have one to one attention/prompting to do it?

The problems he is having in maintaining friendships and his difficulty in focusing on tasks in school would ring alarm bells for me. I would not be punishing him or withholding privileges until having him assessed by a paediatrician or educational psychologist.

Were any concerns raised about his behaviour in nursery or P1 & 2?

have you had his hearing checked and eyes tested? that would be my first approach.

I think expecting a 6 year old to concentrate for 45 minutes is ridiculous. Have you talked to other parents? Have you asked him why he daydreams?

There's another thread on at the moment about spacy little boys, see if I can find it.

Here. But not sure if useful after all, lol.

I think there are two issues, but they could be connected if he is generally unhappy, re time in class completing tasks and socialising with his peer group.

From what you say it sounds like a bit of a power struggle/non-compliance from your son as he is not trying to complete the work (as he thinks that will lead to more work which he doesn't want...). Have you talked to him about it re that he needs to do the work the teacher sets him and yes she will give him more so that he can make progress? What's his attitude on this?

It seems as if the teacher is asking for your help to get your son back on side. Have you chatted to your son to get to the bottom of it... if he finds ALL the work the teacher gives him dull then that could be an issue and yes you could ask her to extend him further rather than giving him more of the same if that is the case.

Re friendships, it sounds tough on your DS, but I wonder if it is bullying or as you say if he was counting too much on one friend who happens to be choosing other children to play with. Could you support your son to widen his social group? Does he do any activities after school with other children that he could develop his friendships with?

If you feel you can't help him yourself with this then I would chat to his teacher (especially if you think there are bullying issues), and see if she can encourage the other children/whole class to play with him (or not him particularly, just let children join in if they want to/get the children thinking about others' feelings a a bit more).

Gosh these are some great responses!
OK - usually I leave him to his homework - but I do have to remind him to do it every few mins, as he forgets why he's sitting there and gets distracted.
There were no earlier problems - I have been reminiscing about how when he started school there was a 'welcoming committee' of little boys coming running up to meet him in the playground each morning. Why this has changed I really don't know, but I do feel he has placed all his hopes on this one best friend, and he has moved on... It worries me dreadfully - we have had 3 deaths in the family in the last 2 years, all very close, and I wonder whether this has had an effect...

As for hearing and eyes, he has lost some of the hearing in his right ear, which admittedly happened about a year ago, but the peripatetic support folk are supporting him very well and indeed he had a test on Friday. Could well be contributing...

I totally think 45 mins of concentration from a 6/7 year old is a daft thing to hope for. Glad to have agreement!

Thanks Tgger - I think I will add your thoughts to my notes for the meeting - I am not entirely sure that the social problems amount to bullying but I think it is borderline and could go that way, especially knowing one of the personalities involved. I have had repeated conversations with him about having to do the work set, but he doesn't really care - he seems to get his act together for a few days and then forget about it again. I even remind him at the school gate every morning about what I expect him to do. It's exhausting!

It's funny - anything he does after school he makes friends easily and plays well with them - it's only the school friends who produce this effect. Even play dates with his school friends leave him grumpy and stroppy for the rest of the day - starting to wonder why we do them!

I'm hoping this will help me be a little more cordial with the teacher at this meeting - thanks for all your help!
Cheers!
C

Just wondered- is the teacher giving him something to do, he then doesn't do it so gets left not doing it for 45 minutes? This can't be good practice can it? Surely she should have strategies to keep him engaged?

3 deaths in 2 years is a lot and he will be effected, by the adults around him as well as having his own feelings. Could he be more effected than you had thought? Could he be a bit depressed- hence the not engaging in class/not engaging with his peers?

I'm just throwing things out there- it may be absolutely nothing to do with this as children are resilient. However they are also tremendoulsy sensitive to adults' emotions around them.

Hope you have a good meeting with the teacher and get some strategies in place to help your DS have a better time at school- it's great he's making friends with others, his class could just be a bad fit?

Thanks Tgger
DS reports that he is set a piece of work, eg after break, and they have to finish it by lunch. He is not allowed to leave his seat unless he is finished. Any work sent home unfinished will have the time allocated to do it written on it by the teacher and it is often 30 mins, 45 mins etc. I don't feel this is realistic, but what do I know about modern teaching methods? (he finishes it in a few mins at home)

I have asked what the teacher is doing while the class is working, and she seems to sit at her desk and sometimes pop out for a few mins, but I get the feeling she gets on with her own work until the class is finished. I do feel that it should be possible for her to design strategies to keep him engaged - that's what she is trained to do, and it's more than a little disappointing that she doesn't seem to be able to do this.

Hopefully this is a phase and I suspect it is exacerbated by the personality of the teacher vs my DS - doesn't seem to be good chemistry.
Thanks for your help
C

I don't think that is normal teaching practice! I am not a teacher but I don't think that is normal teaching practice in either primary or secondary- not much "teaching" going on there!

cmulvenna:

I agree with much of what has been suggested.

6/7 year olds concentrating fully for 45 minutes is a big ask

a pattern of always having easy work is not good long term - eventually they'll come up against something tricky and most likely freak out or give up completely

not wanting to be the clever one - may not be an expressed or even fully understood pressure - but even at this early age kids are remarkably aware of who's doing well in a class and can behave very badly toward that child

What I will add is that friendships are very fluid at this age and often there can be weeks when children who otherwise were great pals don't seem to get on at all. My advice is to carry on with outside school activities and encourage your son to be kind, helpful and supportive of he classmates - as ultimatley children tend to like other nice children and avoid difficult children. Both DDs have had periods where nobody would play with them, which they found very upsetting, but they do pass (almost as fast as they started).

My advice is to look round the school playground and point out things your DS can do on his own:

Are there scooters that anyone can use - encourage him to consider doing that at recess

Is there a climbing frame?

Are there skipping ropes?

Is there a wall you can play hand ball against or bounce a ball against?

Could he join in a football game?

Is there a hopscotch grid?

Is he allowed to draw on the playground with chalks?

Is he allowed to take paper and pencil outdoors and draw?

Is he allowed to take a book outdoors and read?

Is there a quiet area in the playground - where maybe he can do a bit of gardening or watch animals?

Is there a school pet, which he could help with at recess?

Could he offer to help teachers (sharpen pencils, lay out papers, etc...) during recess?

Teach him to be confident whether he has friends to play with or not. If there is nobody about to play with (for whatever reason) then encourage him to find solutions.

HTH