I think my dd1 is being bullied by the teachers daughter, how to deal with it?

[Marne]

Dd1 is 9 and in a mixed class of year 4's and 5's, last year she had a run in with this girl (the girl acused my dd of biting her but dd didn't, dd got upset but it was delt with and the girl was punished for telling a lie to get dd in trouble), this year they have fallen out a couple times and dd1 has been very upset. Dd1 can be very anoying, she has Aspergers and likes to be in charge and has to stick to rules, when rules are broken she gets upset and will argue with the person who broke the rule. Last week dd1 was put with 3 other girls for a dance lesson, they had to decide a dance routine between them, dd1 was the olnly one who disagreed with the routine and got upset as it was something she was unable to do (due to her having low muscle tone and hypermobility) so the girls were told by the dance teacher 'to change the routine'. This one girl got very angry with dd1 and started caller her names, whispering behind her back and just being nasty, dd1 apolligised several times and tried to explain why she could not do the dance routine.

A few days later they made friends again but it didn't last more than half a day before the girl was being nasty to her again.

Last night when i brushed dd1's hair i found what looked like spit bombs (tiny bits of paper screwed up with spit that had been flicked in her hair), dd1 had not noticed so i didn't make a huge deal out of it.

Dd1 doesn't tend to mix with the girls, she has lots of friends but they are mainly boys. At break time she has no one to play with as the boys play football (and she cant keep up due to the problems with her legs).

Yesterday she refused to take her wellies to school (there was snow) as she knew 'if she didn't have her wellies she could stay inside'.

The girl in question happens to be the daughter of my other dd's teacher, without slagging off the teacher (as i dont know her well) i will just say she's a little fiesty and strong willed, i can imagine how she will react to the fact her daughter may be a bully. I dont want to fall out with her as she is dd2's teacher who i have to come into contact with most days (due to dd2 having sn's).

How do i deal with this? do i just talk to dd1's teacher and hope its delt with without getting her mother in charge? or will her mother find out anyway (i expect all the teachers talk in the staff room). I think dd1's teacher is aware that there has been some issues between dd1 and this girl (dd1 say's she keeps telling the teacher and this girl has made her cry in class several times).

Hi Marne:

I may be very old school but children of staff should never let the school down - they're also letting their parents down. (But this also happens at our school too I fear).

Take it to the Head. Be apologetic. Say you're sorry to be complaining but you have some concerns:

1. I'd start by discussing this example of conflict between disappointed able bodied pupils (who were told a dance routine they enjoyed couldn't be performed and understandably were disappointed) and disabled/ SN pupils (who struggled to perform the routine and therefore complained). This situation could be avoided by better pre-planning of such activities. It is fully possible to choreograph a dance which accommodates both parties and this should have been part of the planning process for this activity - no two ways about it.

2. I'd raise that you are concerned about the fact that your DD is coming into conflict. Yes Asperberger's spectrum disorders do mean your DD will want to be right, but honestly all children want to win the argument and believe they're right. It's part of being a child - they always want it their way. But the point is that your daughter is finding a lot of conflict in her school day with peers and it is starting to damage her attitude toward attending school. You're concerned.

I'd express concern that able bodied children aren't more understanding of the issues facing SN/ disabled children and that you would like to see this kind of thing brought into PSHE teaching in the school. For instance - could able children experience a day of poor vision or poor mobility (put weights on their ankles, bind fingers together, tie an arm to your side or a brace on their leg so they can't bend a knee or use ear plugs to impair hearing). Also there can be a leveling of the playing field - as part of the Olympics activities at our school a wheel chair basketball event was held and the two wheel-chair bound pupils did outstanding, one won player of the match.

3. Finally you can get around to your own concerns about your daughter repeatedly coming into conflict with certain children (because regardless of who the child is - this is a problem). I would wait until the last possible moment to reveal the child concerned is that of a member of staff - or just feign ignorance. The point is it shouldn't be happening.

HTH

Thank you, its so hard to know if i should go in and talk to her teacher or head, last year i had to go in a few times as dd1 was upset that no one played with her and people were saying nasty things (calling her slow as she cant run fast), i feel like i'm one of those parents who is constantly complaining . She has a new teacher so they probably dont know dd1 that well, her old teacher would put her in a group with the less able children for PE and Dance. The girls she was put with (including the girl in question) are a year older than dd1, she also has to share a table with them for maths and english as dd1 is working at their level, i think sometimes the teacher forgets that she's only 9 (well 9 in 2 weeks time) and these other girls are 10. Dd1 is quite imature when it comes to socialising and is not a girly girl.

I will see how she gets on this week. This morning she didn't want to go in (said she was poorly) and we get this most days .

Blimey. I was a teacher once. If I was still teaching and my kids went to the school I taught at, I would expect their behaviour to be exemplary. They would get the biggest bollocking ever if they did anything like this. I would definitely be stricter with them than with other kids. Go talk to your dd's teacher.

The best way to deal with this is the way you would if she wasn't the teachers daughter. Speak to dd1 teacher about it and ask her to speak to the other girl or girls about how they should behave around your dd. don't speak about it to dd2 teacher. In my school we would then speak to the child and it wouldn't be discussed in the staff room or even necessarily with the other teacher unless there were other incidents or parents would normally be involved.

Agree with Cansu - it is irrelevant who this child's parent is. Deal with the situation as you would any other situation - speak to the CT first.
I let my DSs know in no uncertain terms that if I ever got called in to discuss their behaviour, the sanction from me would be 100 times worse than school could ever do.

My gut feeling would be to speak to the class teacher first. Ask for a proper appointment so you have time to discuss everything. And, I wouldn't even mention the fact that the other child is the daughter of a teacher. It is irrelevant, and it is up to the school to manage this.

I went in this morning after being up most of the night with a sobbing dd1, the teacher knew what child it was straight away, she said dd1 doesn't tell her when things happen but the other children do (so maybe dd1 has more friends than we thought) ,she said she would try and make sure this girl was kept away from dd1 by moving the tables around a little or moving dd1 though I don't think she should be the one to move as she has done nothing wrong, the teacher said she would put her with the nicer girls, I explained that dd1 was quite happy with the boys and I don't see why she needs to be pushed into being with the girls.

Hopefully things will change, if not I will be talking to the head.

Hi Marne:

I think my only advice is that if you want your DD to be away from the problem girl than you have to give the teacher license to move her where it seems best - and that may be with other girls.

Ultimately, as she gets older there is often a natural segretation of boys and girls in school play times - so the teacher is trying to establish freindships with girls as well. Since your underlying concern is that your DD has few friends, I wouldn't advise fighting this - it may help her to have a wider circle of friends, which ultimately will make school seem a safe and friendly place.

HTH

Teachers are not always strict with their own kids. My DD, aged 8, had her flute damaged by another child. Several girls had seen the daughter of the HT do it deliberately. She denied it, and was believed by her mother (the Head) - the other girls weren't willing to stick their necks out to the scarey HT. If fact the Head told me my DD had damaged it herself, her DD had told her so, and she didn't tell lies!
Eleven years later my DD and the other girl met again at Uni, having been to different Secondary schools. The Head's daughter admitted what she'd done, said she could get her ma to believe anything.