School reports - very different for each sibling

[TreadOnTheCracks]

I need some common sense advice please.

DD is 7, her report came home today, is top marks all the way. She is a total girly swat and I am very proud takes a lot of pride in working very hard.

DS is almost 6, He's been off today but I will pickup his report tomorrow. It will not be all "A"s. He's had a few minor behaviour problems at school, the teacher mentioned them at parents evening, mostly just being distractable. We are working on them at home. He is only in year 1.

So, I want to praise DD obviously, she has worked very hard, but I am wary of demotivating DS. I suppose I need to avoid comparison. Tempting as it is try to motivate DS to match his sisters good report by rewarding her -that is not a sensible strategy is it. (it's the sort of thing my dad would have done to me and my sister!).

Any experience of handling this, strategies for me, thoughts?

DON'T try to motivate him by getting him to try and keep up with his sister unless you really really want them to hate each other forever . Personal experience.

Just praise her for hers and praise him for what he has done well in his. Speak to each of them about what they need to work on. Then talk about something else.

I know you are right.

I think I'll have to speak to them separately.

DD has top marks all the way - there is nothing for her to work on.

Definitely a good idea to speak to them separately. And think about the effort they have put in rather than what they have achieved if that makes sense?

Ds2 is 6 and pretty bright and sails through school at the top of his class. Ds3 has hearing issues and isn't where he should be reading/writing wise - but he works really hard and has achieved well for him. I focus on that.

I'd be surprised if you can find many 6 year old boys who aren't easily distracted

Oh yes.

My oldest is gifted and talented, well behaved, socially advanced compared to his peer group and that has always been he case (year 4 now), my second has struggled to settle into school and spent reception/year 1 acting up in class and working at about a year below his peer average (he is now year 2 and seems to have matured and is catching up so this last parents evening was bliss and very favourable in comparison).

I have generally found that reports do tend to highlight the positive and so even the worst case (which has felt like my number 2) has good things to say about them.

I have generally found that I will tell them three good things from their report and one thing that their teacher wants us to practice. They both get the same praise from us and also the same encouragement.

For motivation we have used reward charts for our youngest in conjunction with the class teachers and used a job chart for our oldest. The same amount of effort gets the same amount of reward if that makes sense.

My oldest at one point had to get a merit for their homework and so did my youngest (but my youngest had different homework and was only given a merit if I told the teacher they had done it with a positive attitude).

Good luck and remember as exhausting as it can be continuing to support the school at home is one if the most significant factors in helping your children do well.

Thank you all.

I will speak seperatley and I know exactly what you mean about focusing on effort. I want to be especially sure that DD doesn't crow in front of DS (which she is quite capable of).

Really helpful to "talk" this through

excellent.
Seriously, my sister still hates me decades later.

Can I say, even with excellent/top marks she should have something to work on. Telling a child they are perfect isn't especially great is it? Did the report not include any thing - speaking up in class, PE, drama, - that she could fel excited about giving a better go next year.

My son used to get A's and we would praise him enthusiastically for that but we still help him set his aims/challenges for next year. It has been a good thing for him.

X-posted

Then 'not crowing/showing off' is a good challenge for next term

It's a one page report with excelled, good, fair, poor tick boxes.

DD has a row of ticks in excelled all the way down.

She is only likely to crow to her brother, and would not do so to friends. She tends to be a little quiet, not put her hand up and I do worry a bit about her confidence, so I may focus on that and just mention, non specifically, about crowing a bit.

I was your DD and I'm sure there are things she can work on even if they're not specifically on the report. What about sport, music, drama etc. is there anything she's not great at? It's much better to learn to work at something that doesn't come easy - as a life lesson

That's a good one.

I am not criticising. I just know that with scarily bright DS1 he became really comfortable with racking up the As and cruising.
Helping him see that we can always find other ways to spread our abilities was one of the few great parenting decisions I made.
So when he got a first for his first year doing English, he signed up to add a module in Italian and starting running.

Saying 'ooooh perfect. You can't do better' wouldn't have done that.

You are right, I will give it some more thought. She is not a natural athlete and hates PE, so could mention that.

I feel a bit sorry for DS coming along in her wake, he's going to have his work cut out. Will big him up, whilst keeping on with our "chats"about how important it is to concentrate in class and listen to the teacher.

I got DS's report this morning and it's nowhere near as bad as I had feared! 2 "excellent" and all the rest "good" - can't complain at that! Easy to give him loads of praise for his efforts.

Thanks again all.

That's really good news

Can I say, I hope my posts weren't lecture-y. I was a bit tired last night and I think my tone was not what I intended . I am not actually a smug cow.

I've been in your situation, but with b/g twins - same class. This year their reports are v similar, both seemingly doing as well as each other but with different strengths etc (now Year 3) but in previous years, DD has generally done much better as in my experience girls tend to settle quicker / better than boys at school. Like others have said, its important (in my view) to try your best not to compare then (although agree its incredibly difficult not to), praise effort, make a point of celebrating the positives for your DS, tell both of them there are areas they need to improve upon. In our house, DS (very sporty) gets lots of recognition outside of school (player of the week award at football etc) that we also make a big deal out of so he knows its not just school where he can excel.

We have this issue in spades in our house where DD (6) is G and T in Literacy and Maths and DS (7) is ASD with mild learning difficulties. DH and I are very careful with our handling as the impact on both children could be enormous.We tend to praise effort far far more than results. So, literacy is easy for DD but by virtue of the fact it comes easily to her, the effort put in is actually less than DS who struggles hugely with writing even a sentence let alone a story.So in this case, while I am of course proud of DD, my praise is just as high for DS who may have achieved lesser "results" but in my book has done even better.By the same token, DD finds it incredibly difficult to stand in front of people and talk so when she stood up in assembly and read a poem, no-one could have been prouder than me because she finds this so so hard.

The mantra here is "it doesnt matter what you get, it matters that you try" and also "Nobody is good at everything and everybody is good at something"...

Pagwatch, your replies were very helpful and very welcome. Everyone's replies have given me confidence to handle it, this is new territory for me and caught me a bit by surprise.

Mandy, that sounds very tricky! It's reassuring to hear things are evening up.

Odd girl, I am with you on the praising effort, I think that's important whatever their results are. Sounds like this strategy is working with your two.

Tiggy, You are right and I will watch for this with DD, previously she was reluctant to put her hand up in case she was wrong. Yes concentration is key for DS. It comes naturally to DD but not for him.

Thanks again all for the hand holding, I am much happier about handling this in future.

Happy school holidays!