'Perfectionist' 4 year old...

[20wkbaby]

Just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with this. My DD is 4 and started school in September. She is doing really well and making good progress but she has started to get discouraged when comparing herself (mainly in reading) to others in her class.

I have been trying to help her but she refuses to spell out words as she sees others in her class working it out in their heads and then saying the word out loud. Reading sessions are so unproductive as she can't get some words but I can't explain to her where it isn't working.

I have tried to tell her she is only competing with herself and that we will compare her progress week on week (with wall chart - she wants to reach up to the ceiling, so no real goals etc). She keeps trying to mark on this chart where other people in her class are.

I feel it is hindering her progress as she feels that she is doing 'badly' when actually I am really amazed by her progress and tell her that often.

Any ideas on how to motivate her?

contact school, ask for guidance in how to support reading and comprehension at home. I'm not sure that spellings at age 4 are helpful, is it school pushing this? Do you mean sounding-out?

I would be inclined to take down the wallchart progress checker

Do stuff where there's opportunities for her to 'lose' safely, like playing Snap, or Donkey (it's quite easy for an adult to manipulate Snap) - ime a perfectionist can't find fault in themselves in chance games IYSWIM.

Make sure that you point out that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, the child who is steaming ahead with reading might not yet be able to do a forwards roll etc

What is the wall chart??

OK obviously explained myself badly - there is no wall chart. She just likes me to explain that at the start of term she was 'here' and she has shot up to 'here' because she worked so hard, and if she carries on working hard she will creep up and up every week - it is her aim to reach the ceiling. This is something she gets excited by not nervous. She tends to be discouraged when she cannot get a word (even before she tries) because she thinks she should be able to look at the words and know them like some others in her class.

I've explained there are some tricky words that you can't work out (yes I mean sound out - she's not doing spellings!) you just have to learn them, and others that she can work out and I will help her and it is OK not to know - we all have to learn things and there are lots of things I don't know and I get things wrong too.

She also hates losing at games - not sure it is a good idea to teach her that she will always win. Surely she needs to accept imperfection?

What is really frustrating is that she is capable, she spells/ sounds out a word on one page and then gets daunted by it on the next. I tell her she has worked it out before but she just will not say it out loud as she sees this as failure.

This may be simplistic but if you aren't using these resources they may help:

jolly phonics (work books in colouring book format available from most bookshops and good newsagents)

oxford owl (supports both reading & maths) reading page here: www.oxfordowl.co.uk/Reading/
there are free e-books and a good set of guidance on how to support phonics & reading at home here: www.oxfordowl.co.uk/Question/Index/3

both of my DDs really suffered from realising other children could read and later could read 'chapter books' before they did. They were totally aware of it - although I'm fairly certain the school tried very hard not to make more advanced readers stand out. We were quite relaxed because they were making good progress and when they struggled we just all worked a bit harder. However, it has left both DDs with a very competitive mindset. This isn't coming from home - this is coming from children at top table mercilessly teasing children who don't quite get it or aren't able. Our solution has been a lot of hard work behind the scenes and slowly slowly DDs have found they've caught up (as have many of their other friends).

DD2 has real confidence/ anxiety issues which we're still trying to cope with (very unpleasant crowd in her class - school single form unfortunately so no escape). School & us working with her. I think the really crucial thing to get across is that school is for learning things - not showing off. You aren't learning if you already know how to do it, you're just getting a bit more practice.

Family who are teachers also say that they get much more pleasure from helping the child who was struggling to success than they do divising entertainment from johnny bright sparks.

HTH

My DS1 (6) was like this with his writing. He had to have it absolutely perfect before he moved on to the next word. As a consequence, he just never wrote very much, as it took him so very long!

His teacher noticed this too and spoke to him directly about it. They did a piece together where she encouraged him to move on more quickly, then go back and correct his errors. Following this exercise, she made him 'golden achiever' of the week, praising him in the assembly for his confidence and how he listened to advice. He's much more relaxed now.

Thanks so much. I am really not a pushy Mum, just want her to enjoy her achievements. The competitive thing is definitely in her nature and not all a bad thing but I feel it is destroying her confidence as she is putting pressure on herself and feeling that is what is expected of her - perhaps I need to address what she feels is expected of her!

Thanks for those resource ideas, we know jolly phonics but will look at the others.

I am feeling your pain OP. My DD is only 3 1/2, so will be starting school next year. She still hasn't settled on a dominant hand, and so she struggles to draw as well as her friends (she switches between the two and so doesn't have the manual dexterity in either). So, if she asks me to do drawing with her, she will refuse to do things herself (drawing people, for example), because she 'doesn't know how'. We get that for so much related to mark making. I have tried so hard to explain that some children are older, and that people learn things at different times, and that practicing is how she will get really good, but she is so frustrated by her lack of ability. I stuggle to know how to encourage her to try, without just making her feel frustrated. I am so sure that we are going to have the same issue when it comes to reading and writing because some of her friends are already reading and she can't yet remember all of the phonics sounds or recognise the associated letters. (I know I'm biased but...) She has excellent reasoning ability, has always been a very advanced speaker, and is very aware of what other children can and can't do relative to herself. I am going to keep an eye on this thread to see if anyone has any good ideas about how to help such children to practice what they perceive as difficult.

In terms of what is expected of her - I think the problem is what she expects of herself, and teaching a child to be proud of what they achieve. I'd focus on what she is really good at, and tell her how good she is at that, and that different people get skills at different stages (but everyone gets them eventually), and focus on how fabulous she is at what ever it is she is good at, and just say that this is something that she will get too, with lots of practice. But saying that, as I said, I tried that reasoning with my 3 1/2 year old, with only a little success.

Maybe just pull back on the reading as much as possible and immerse her in things she finds very easy and enjoyable and is excellent at. Riding her bike, drawing, telling stories with her toys, whatever you know she know she excels at. I don't mean dropping the reading altogether of course, but giving her that time where she feels very very confident in what she's doing? It might boost her up on her return to reading?

I don't think that ds2 is a perfectionist exactly but boy, he doesn't like to lose or make mistakes.

I think the thing with snap, or similar game is that (because you are better at them) you can control how often they win and therefore introduce 'losing' in small manageable doses. So for ds2 we started with him losing 1 in 4 games or so (never the first or last) then gently upped the frequency. He is now slightly better at losing bigger games, like snakes and ladders.

Apologies if this sounds dead obvious, but maybe she should enjoy reading simpler books? I read this description of just right books yesterday and it really hit the nail on the head for me.

My DD is also quite perfectionist, though less so now at 6 than she was starting school at 4. I think on starting school she probably had never 'failed' or even struggled at anything, especially as she was the first born (is yours?). I can't imagine my younger son will have the same problem! She does still get stressed sometimes if she can't achieve what she wants to. I worried about this a lot in her first year and felt like it was something I could fix. Her teacher said to me that she thought that was just who DD was, that she wanted to do well and would always push herself. I remember it really clearly as teacher then said 'that is not going to stop me pushing her'. Quite honestly, I think it's just being in school for longer which has made her less perfectionist. She realises (I guess) that she has strengths and weaknesses and cannot always be the best. It is still a concern though.