Advice on boy who may have learning difficulties hitting my ds

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

I don't know anything much about learning difficulties, autism, ADHD etc. there is a little boy in my ds's class who appears to be possibly have some kind of attention deficit but like I said, I don't know much about it so it's only my opinion. I only suspect this because he is disruptive most of the time, he hits a lot and doesn't keep still, he appears to have to spend most of his time with the teaching assistant. None of this is my business and I'm not bothered. When he isn't hitting and grabbing, he's a sweet little boy to talk to.

What I'm concerned about is my ds (5) who has a few very minor learning difficulties of his own (been assessed on the autistic spectrum, has issues with personal space and change etc, very naive and younger than his age iyswim) as the little boy seems to hit/hurt him an awful lot. I witnessed him run up and poke my ds in the eye the other day for no reason. I said firmly "No hitting, boys name" and left it at that. My ds was sobbing. I've seen him hit ds plenty of times and he usually runs away straight away. My ds tells me every day after school that the boy punched him in the stomach or hit him in some other way.

My ds is absolutely not perfect at all but I've never seen him hit a child in school (saves it all for fighting with his dsis I think) and the school have never seen him hit anyone either, I did ask on parents evening. Whether he provokes this boy in any other way I don't know, but as I said when I've seen the boy hitting him it's been out of the blue.

Not sure what to think or do, the boys parents appear useless, they stand talking while their ds and toddler sister play on the actual road outside school, and various other parents hover about trying to get them in, wondering what the hell the parents are thinking. They're always talking and looking the other way, they never seem to attempt to curtail his behaviour in any way even when they see him doing something dangerous or unpleasant, the worst the do is say "come here" then carry on talking.

Please don't get me wrong, if he does have special needs then obviously he isn't "just being naughty" and it's not like I'm expecting them to bollock him, but they don't seem to do any actual parenting either, not even basic supervision. So there doesn't seem much point in talking to them about it.

But should I bring up the hitting with the school? I can't ask about SN as it's none of my business but in a way I'd quite like to know as it would help to know what was motivating all the hitting. I don't know if he hits everyone in the class as much or if it's just my own child. I don't want to ask around in case it sounds like bitching. The last thing I want to do is sound like I'm bitching about a kid with SN. Wwyd?

Just because he has special needs doesn,t mean it is ok to assault your child. See the school, teach your son to say no, loudly, seek out a teacher when he approaches him. Show your child that he should not be scared to stand up to bullying and unacceptable behaviour.

So I should just talk to the school as if it were any child in his class doing the hitting? If it were any other child I suppose that's what I'd do (never had any issues like this before)

Yes, talk to the teacher. Hitting may be the way that the child currently communicates or interacts with others at the moment, doesn't mean that it is acceptable.
So go in and talk about your concerns and the school can work on strategies if they aren't already doing so, or on modifying those strategies if they aren't effective.

Thanks, I will speak to his teacher and try to sort it out.

agree. Best way is to "stick to the facts". "DS tells me that X regularly does this to him. DS is very distressed. I thought I needed to tell you."

then stop. don't attempt to engage them in any discussion about the other child's issues because they will misinterpret it and clam up.

If no progress, write a note saying the exact same thing (written down stuff gets into files....).

Yes, as whistling says, complaining factually and as unemotionally as you can is the way forward. Both your DS and this DC are being failed ATM. Your DS needs to be able to go to school without fear of being attacked and the other DC needs to be properly supported. Hopefully your complaint will lead to some support being provided, at least in the short term and may kick off some longer term action.

I would go and talk to the school as if it were any other child. The school has a legal duty to "safeguard" your child. (Similarly they have one for the other child which does mean intervening so he is not hurting others.)

Don't mention SEN, and if they mention it, they shouldn't BTW, continue firmly. They should be teaching him firmly that such behaviour is unacceptable, and be supervising him (with a TA).

I agree, his (possible) SN are irrelevant here, because there should be adequate supervision and plans in place to mitigate the risk towards other children.

focus on your child. Say to the teacher that your DS reports x keeps hitting him, that he is unhappy with it and that you would like it to stop. The rest is for the school to so.

I have two DSs, both dx'd with ASD, but in the (few) instances when they have hurt another child the school have been very good, told me, and together we've worked out a way of very firmly saying that it's not the kind of behavior we expect from them. My 8 year old hasn't had an 'incident ' in about 2 years now, and my 6 year in at least 6 months (he hit someone in the playground then).

SN is no excuse for hurting another child, there are always other ways to deal with a dispute and the school should be working with the parents and the child to teach the child how to manage their anger etc. As someone else has pointed out this is very much for both children involved.

Actually, his possible sn is more than relevant, and you owe it to the child to report it and keep doing so.

Schools will opt out of anything that requires money, so a child that may need additional support won't get it unless enough parents complain.

For all you know, the boy's parents might have been begging the school to provide support for a long time, and keep getting fobbed off.

Think of it as helping to secure support for a child in need, rather than dobbing in a kid who might have ld.