No time anymore!

[mamab30]

Hi everyone. New to mumsnet. My son started reception in September, full time (he's July born). I feel like I've lost control of teaching my son new things and there's no time to explore his two big interests; we would usually discuss them on a daily basis but there's never anytime to explore them anymore now he's gone to school and I work afternoons! Anyone else feel like this? Sorry, probably not making any sense! Thanks xxxx

Hello!

Can I sneak in first? I hope your son is enjoying school but honestly, there are weekends and bank holidays and inset (In Service Educational Training) days, plus half terms and holidays, some of which you may be able to take as leave. Plus breakfast and bedtime, when you can still cover things with your DS (Mumsnet shorthand for dear/darling son, you don't have to use it).

I don't think for one minute you'll run out of stuff to talk about and anything you cover won't be overshadowed by what teacher has the class doing. The better your child's listening skills, the better!

Any one on one time at home, in the car or shopping or walking and you can still exchange ideas. The nearer the end of term the more tired they get, and sometimes straight after school they're a bit grouchy or disinclined to tell about their day, maybe need a snack to perk up. By the time you see him he's probably right as rain.

My 2 are grown now but back when they started, I got a bit fed up when they kept saying, "Miss X says..." but of course the faster they settle in the better, and you are still number one in their eyes.

I may have got the wrong end of the stick but each new post bumps your thread up .

What are his two big interests? There may not be time to discuss them for hours and hours but there is always time to give him a lovingly illustrated book on dinosaurs, or an Airfix model, assuming that his interests are aeroplanes and dinosaurs. Or to take him to Duxford Museum or the Natural History Museum. Or to borrow the DVD of Those Men and Their Flying Machines, or, or, or......

That's exactly how I feel OP, teachers get the best of him, I just get to make him hurry up to school, hurry up from school, eat, do homework he doesn't want to do and go to bed. Weekends and holidays are spend decompressing and just as my boy is getting back to himself it starts all over again.
We'll be home educating asap.

Do you want him at school or not?

I think there is still enough time to spend with your son and enjoy doing things together.

We often go somewhere at the weekends, I try to get time off during the holidays, often DH and I take turns and we also take times together.

Yes, when they start school you loose a certain aspect of involvement but I personally think this is necessary to let a child go and find their own ways.

They're not learning independence at school, just learning to be dependent on somebody else. Until they can walk to school on their own, they're hardly independent are they?

I do find you role changes from being the one who introduces them to things to being the one who, yes, chivvies and gets them moving but also hugs them, lets them off eating their dinner when they're practically asleep in it, understands when no one else does because they're simply too tired to behave, wraps them in a blanket on the sofa and makes them pancakes on a Saturday, being the only one who reads them a bedtime story where they get to interrupt and ask questions when they don't get to at school and all that.

I think it's just a different stage. They don't need you any less. It just takes a bit of getting used to.

I've had my DD at home all day, not ill, and done all the Christmassy fun playing activities in the world, as I used to. I'm exhausted. School is ace!

I do find I really enjoy the holidays with her now. I love it when she's around more

It is hard when they first start reception as they are a bit too tired after school to do much, but this will get better as he gets older.

It is hard when they first start reception as they are a bit too tired after school to do much, but this will get better as he gets older. Its nearly the christmas holidays, so you'll get some time together then.

My DS is in year 1 now and we both feel that school just takes up too much flippin' time. I'm not a clingy mum and goodness knows I have enough to do (both boring and fun) when he's at school. But these is less time for him to just oodle about doing what he wants, and less time for us to hang about and do our own fun projects.

I especially resent the homework - all the time he spends at school, why can't he do it there! DS complains bitterly about going every morning and counts down to the next INSET/holiday when he can just loaf about and be a child insead of a pupil.

I agree. I think they should finish school at 1.30/2pm like they do in some part of the world. Then there is time for school and play!

Wonder how we'd feel about changing to a later age at which to start school, so many European children start school aged 6 or even 7?

Hi mamab30

I remember feeling a bit lost both when DD1 and DD2 traipsed off to school - and yes you are entrusting the school to educate your children. But it isn't just 'book learning' - going to school is about learning to follow instructions, learning to work well with others, learning to be part of something (a group, a team, a house, etc...). Learning to navigate a situation outside the home which ultimately after years and years in education is meant to prepare you for being a responsible adult, a good citizen and for the world of work.

I understand the feeling of loss of control. Many have posted here about wishing their school would or wouldn't teach things. I have had some pretty serious doubts myself about what is taught/ how things are taught at our DDs school and where the emphasis is placed. There are teachers and teaching assistants I've had some serious reservations about and there are teachers and teaching assistants who I think are worth their weight in gold.

The point is your DS is starting to learn about life outside his home with the safety net of coming home to you and I'm certain he's coming to a home where he's loved and supported.

Class R and Key Stage 1 are a difficult transition for us Mums and Dads who are used to being the centre of their universe. It can also be a very tiring timefor children - but I assure you that they will adjust and be brighter in the evenings. Right now Class R may just be too full on - but I suspect with the coming of Spring your DS will have more resilience for these busy school days.

We parents have to realise that we aren't the source of all knowledge, our values may not ultimately be theirs, our priorities may ultimately not be theirs. Our job is to be there - to wait during their swimming (or whatever) lesson and clap when they do well. To attend assemblies and plays, performances and sporting events, to always show pride and look on the bright side. To tell them never mind when they've had a bad day at school, haven't done well on a test, etc... Our job is to instill in them an appreciation for those things we value - and the list will be different for everybody.

It is a difficult transition mamab30 - but the reality is that children grow up and we parents and schools/ clubs/ lessons/ and practically any inspiring experience will influence them to ultimately become productive young men and women. Every parent hopes their child will reach their full potential - but I think we all know that chance is also a factor - that inspirational teacher or experience, the opportunity to meet an expert, the wonderful documentary/ lecture shown on tv, access to museums/ galleries, opportunities to travel, etc...

I've found my role has become a mixture of chaffeur, short-order chef, homework tutor, 11+ tutor, sports therapist, on-call doctor and occassionally (just occassionally these days sadly) cuddly Mum. My solution to feeling included is to be there and use those car drives/ waiting moments/ dinner times as an opportunity to discuss how things are going, what they're currently enjoying, what they do and don't like and to be enthusiastic about this whole wonderful process of learning.

It's brilliant to be an involved parent - but it is also important that you start to build interests and activities of your own. Our children will grow up and fly the nest, it's natural. So we must understand that ultimately we are raising them to go on and have a life of their own.

HTH

What a brilliant post past

I found this, as well as finding that Dds life became very limited. We went from museums twice a week, local shops, reading exciting novels, learning about classical history, doing science experiments, asking questions to follow up, baking, playing with friends, little clubs and activities, trips to see family etc to get up, go to school, sit in a room with 30 people who happen to be born at around the same time, noisy playground, back in classroom, home to do boring homework, play out if not exhausted, bed.

Dd denied that she could read at school (she was reading novels at home), was too shy to make friends because she was overwhelmed, kept wetting herself because she was having to wait her turn to ASK to use the toilet, was given homework she could do in five minutes apart from all the colouring in and was a grumpy and tired child.

Now she is home educated . She meets far more people of all different ages, can make friends in smaller groups - HE meetups, rainbows, dancing, friends round for tea, etc - we can follow her interests, work with her strengths and weaknesses and generally stop limiting her social interaction so much compared to school.

School works well for many families, or they have to use it because of work, but it is not compulsary.

Oh, and she is becoming far more independent and learning lots of life skills that she would never have learned at school. She is in year one and asks for her own bus tickets, orders in cafes, plays with babies, reserves books at the library, has a much bigger hand in planning her own learning and so on.

I do know what you mean, OP. I plan on grabbing the time during the upcoming holidays with both hands. DD is so tired after school every day, I have to nag her to do her reading homework, then all she wants to do is veg on the sofa in front of the TV or draw a picture.

I even bought her a special DVD as a treat recently, only for her to tell me they'd watched it as a treat at school!

OP I know exacly what you mean. After my DDs had got to yrs 3 and 2 in school this was one of many reasons we had for taking them out of school to home educate and haven't looked back since. We now have 3 very happy, relaxed, confident children who are independent learners and who love learning. Just remember you don't have to send your children to school.

@Donkey: you still loose 5 hours with your child. In Germany most children start nursery, 5 days a week from 8am until 12.30 or later when they are 3 years old. If I just look at the hours that is not a lot less than the 6 hours DD is at school.

In some areas in Germany they have pre school classes for 5 year olds in the afternoon, adding lunch plus 1-2 hours per day.

Just because formal education in schools starts later doesn't mean the children are around Mummy all the time, in contrary, they actually spend more time in childcare than a pre schooler here in the UK.

Thanks for all the replies. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. His 2 big interests are Space and Dinosaurs. We have gone from talking about them and reading tons of books daily, to hardly touching on the subjects. It's really sad. I miss it (and I know he misses me) but we both seem so tired since he started school and just want to sit and glaze over at the end of the day. I teach music from home in the afternoons and have a sitter looking after DS and DD (1) in the rest of the house. I have seriously considered homeschooling. Two things stop me though; 1) his teacher at school is actually really great (although he does not get the attention I was giving him with 29 other children in the class too) and I'm scared I wouldn't be able to homeschool him well enough.

Have you seen the Mumsnet Home Education Board?

Thank you bitofsparkly xxxx

It is well worth having them home for a day or two each term just to do things together and re-connect.
It's pretty easy to pick days when there isn't much going on at school, the whole of December and July and pretty non-academic for us, you can whizz them off to great attractions and days out that would be stuffed with people queing for hours in the school holidays.
Try thinking of school more as an option rather than a final commitment, you don't actually have to be there at all until the term after their fith birthday and after that most children have at least 10 days off sick each year plus the five inset days, just make sure that your children are healthy so you can have fun on their days off.
Also you can collect them for lunch now and again if it suits, you only get an hour but it's fun to bung them in the car and nip off to somewhere nice and get's them off of the square of oh so tedious concrete that constitutes most playgrounds.
And school also has a tick box for time out of school spent on educational visits, there is loads of stuff you can book, museum talks, gifted and talented events etc, none of which will count against their attendance record !

After all this you'll still have two weeks avaiable for your family gholiday without falling below 90% attendance record.
Really school is an ideal part-time option.

I like your approach RosemaryandThyme . Alas, I am generally too law abiding and cautious to do as above. Mine both have Autumn birthdays so there isn't that much time when they don't legally have to be there once they are in YR. DS is also not really healthy enough to grab his "ill" days off as days out. What do you then write to the school- are you always honest? I would find this hard! Quite admire people who have the balls to do it though!

I keep a pile of blank holiday request forms and send them in with youngest child as and when, his books are still changed daily so staff pass request letters to head and back to me via child's zippy, this is very handy as no need to bare face lie.
I never tell the children in advance as they give the game away, if it's a "poorly" day I have been known to prep a child the day before, touch their head and tell them their hot, loudly at collection time say oh sweetie are you feeling better, casually enquire with TA if little one made it through the day OK....
If children prattle on about their great day out afterwards well, really don't care if eyebrows are raised, I way too old to give a monkeys what other people think, I know I'm the best mum for my tribe, my family, my way.

I too used to be very stick to the rules, until I spent a term helping out with reading and realised how very little they actually do learn at the school mine go to.

I think it depends on how you look at things. Yes sometimes I feel rushed and as if we have no time, on other occasions dd and I can spend a whole Saturday afternoon just playing board games.

On the interests side I actually find school often helps, dd is now in year 4 but in year 2 they were able to do a project totally of their choice, dd choose space (she's also mad about it) and spent the whole term doing her project and loved every minute of it. Last year they did the a history project and dd choose the Vikings, again doing a project and this term it's egypt, for the holidays they have to do a short project, dd is doing hers on sarcophogus', she's really looking forward to it and has already looked up lots of information and knows what she wants to write (she's doing it in powerpoint) and also wants to do a paper mache of one.

Oh and just because she's at school doesn't mean she can't do things like get her own bus ticket and go into shops, get her own library books and everything else abitofsparkly mentioned, dd has been doing all this for years, as well as finding her own interests at home (and sharing them with me, I've learnt a lot).