How Do You Tell a Mother That Her Son is Not Welcome

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

My DS is 6, and he has a little friend around the same age whom he has known since pre-school. They both go to different schools now, and this friend has absolutely no other friends at all (although he is with the entire former pre-school bunch).

During holidays his mother will phone to arrange playdates with my little boy and also sometimes to literally get him out of the way (her words), because he can cause havoc when her daughter has a friend over etc.

I will be very honest and blunt. I do not like him. I have tried on many many occasions to make allowances for him, but I have had enough. He is extremely rude, disrespectful, and he looks at me with a look of f.... off in his eyes. He often really hurts my little boy physically, including nasty biting, sitting on his head, and he throws stones. What is also really negative, is that my little boy who is an okay little chap, not perfect, but lovely natured on the whole, picks up this bad behaviour immediately - i.e. the very rude back chatting, and it can take weeks for him to stop doing it.

Am I being cynical, or might this be a reason he hasn't got ANY other friends?

What do I say to his mother? Should I be honest? Should I just make up excuses?

Can I be the first to point out that "No" is a complete sentence?

If you tell the truth then she has a choice - address the behaviour or not.

If you lie (aka making an excuse) then she can remain in denial about the behaviour and may never have that push she needs to really LOOK at her child's behaviour. (until or unless someone else bites the bullet)

It will be harder for you to be honest, it will hurt her to hear it, but at least there is the possibility she will take what you say and do something.

If you make excuses. There is none.

But you avoid the difficult conversation and possible falling out.

Really, you have to decide which you want to go with.

Oh, meant to say, fwiw, I'd go with telling her.

You say "No, He deliberately hurts my son when he is here. I am not going to have him here." It leaves no room for misinterpretation or denial. She needs to deal with it - a 6yo who behaves like that is a problem. A 10yo who still behaves like that will be getting into a lot worse trouble. She eeds to know that it is not just a minor inconvenience.

Have you not said when you've had him over before how badly behaved he has been? If I'd had a child round and they'd badly hurt my son and been a little terror (rude, violent, etc) I'd be very honest and let the mum know quite plainly when she came to pick up.

Six is quite old to be biting hitting and throwing stones, does he have any special needs?

I think you are right to suspect that he has no other friends because of his behaviour. I'd just tell her. It sounds like you don't see a lot of each other anyway.

I think I would be tempted to treat the boy the same way as I would treat my son if he did those things, but at the very least tell him off. Explain to him that you have rules in your house and in your house everybody says please and thank you, asks for things rather than demand, does not hurt anybody etc or whatever the offence is. Do it in a friendly but very stern way, and it gives the boy (and your son) the message what is acceptable behaviour and what not.

When I was 3 I remember hitting my best friend with a wooden block on his head in anger (only once). His mum told me off in no uncertain terms and I had to sit on the toilet for 5 minutes or so. I was mortified and I have never done anything like it again. Plus it is one of my earliest memories, which goes to show what an impact it had.

So it is even worth considering putting him on the naughty step or something similar if he does some of the more serious stuff, like hurting. I wouldn't normally impose consequences for bad behaviour of somebody else's child (I have no problem whatsoever with telling them off when their mum's not there), but if he is extreme, perhaps that's what it takes.

And yes to all of the earlier posts too, tell his mum about his behaviour!!!

Just say they don't really get on...

Thanks all of you.

AmuminScotland
Thanks I know you're right.
I also wonder what sort of guy he's going to be when he's older.

Yourhandinmyhand
I have actually never said anything to his mother because she is very concerned about the no friends issue, and I haven't wanted to upset her. I thought I could handle him, in a fair but firm way.

I don't think he has got any special needs - unfortunately I have very little knowledge in that sort of thing.

You're right I don't see a lot of him thank goodness because it is absolutely exhausting - not a pleasure at all.

For the record, a neighbours son comes over every day after school and he's an absoulute pleasure to have around - almost part of the family, there's no shutting the door and thinking why the hell do we do it!!

Well, thankfully they are at different schools. Just tell her you are busy on that date and don't committ to any others. Say you will get in touch soon but don't mention playdates.

Keep your distance and eventually it should ebb off. You just have to tell her you are too busy.

Creeping
You gave some really brilliant advice, and I must add lots of which I have done, but nothing seems to have much effect and it doesn't last long at all.

I will give you one example from the last visit:

They were playing on the trampoline and he was sitting on my son's head. Told him firmly and directly that it was unacceptable and he would have to get off immediately etc etc. He just would not get off - absolutely no way. It would have taken me getting on and physically removing him, which I would have loved to have done, but thought that it would be going too far - i.e. with me man-handling him so to speak.

I think it's trickier if you haven't ever mentioned a problem before - going from 'everything is fine' to "I will not have the brat in the house' is a bit of a jump.

But I don't think you should have him round when he hurts your son - it's not giving him a good message, either in terms of learnt behaviour or why he is expected to put up with being hit. And the two may well be connected - if someone was standing by and letting me by hit I'd probably be rude and unpleasant to them too, even if I couldn't articulate why.

So maybe just be distant and unavailable, but give the truth is she pushes?

Perhaps the kid knows that no-one likes him, just tolerates him - even his Mother wants him out of the way - and that's why he acts up.

If you don't want him round just say so. It's your choice.

If you do have him round, then, as has been said, set your rules for behaviour in your home and stick to them. Make it clear that if he transgresses then he will have to go home.

And just thank your lucky stars that it's not your child who has "absolutely no friends"!

Keep cool, I would absolutely have physically intervened on the trampoline incident. If a child in your care is being harmed, of course you step in to resolve it!

Afraid you must be brave and talk to the mum. How about 'Of course we'd love to have little Damien over, but I'm afraid I'd need you to stay with him, as I find his behaviour very challenging'

If you do find yourself in that trampoline type of situation again get straight on your mobile phone to his mum in front of him and tell her to come pick him up. In that situation I would have picked him up off your sons head, I would only physically intervene with a child that wasn't my own for a safety reason and I think the situation you describe was a safety issue.

I asked about the special needs purely as my son has autism and is therefore very young for his age, however he is more flight than fight but it makes me wonder if something is going on behind the scenes with kids who are acting out. Sometimes though there isn't an underlying special need / condition. Either way you don't have t have him over and your son doesn't have to be injured by him.

Just say no next time she asks.

If they are at different schools, to a certain extent the problem has been solved for you, you can be busy, your DS has friends from his school and at this age, unless you facilitate the friendship, it will end. You can be full up in the holidays with "family commitments" and arrange playdates with your DS's friends from his school so there's not time.

That, however, doesn't solve the mother's problem that she needs to be told her DS's behaviour is beyond what's considered 'normal'. It's up to you to decide if you're brave enough to be the one to say something. If it was me, I wouldn't, he's at school, if he's behaving this way there, she'll be hearing about it from the school - she will have other people saying his behaviour is out of control.