How could I have handled this argument with 6 yo DD differently?

[Campaspe]

It's a freezing cold morning here, and I managed to misplace DD's (aged 6, in year 1) hat. I found her another one, perfectly fine. However, she got really upset and told me she couldn't wear the new one as other children might laugh and stare at her. I got exasperated, and told her not to wear it then, but get cold. She carried on being upset, saying she didn't want to be cold, and why couldn't we find the old hat (we are decorating, the house is in a mess and I have said we will look for it tonight). By the time we got to school, DD was still fussing, so I told her teacher she was worried that other children would laugh at her hat, and it had caused upset. Teacher kindly promised to talk to her. However, I probably made a big mistake doing this as DD then got upset in the class and clung to me. I kissed her and left, but now I feel terrible. Have I been insensitive to her needs? How could I have handled this differently? DD is a sensitive and shy little girl, but she does have a very stubborn streak and I fear that the teacher drawing her attention to it may actually make DD dig her heels in still further.

Bump

I'd bet anyone reading will recognise this. I had similar the other day with my son over insisting he wears his winter coat. Screams and shouts of rage, but then next day he told me he liked it.

I think if you lose something, all you can really do is say you're sorry, that you understand they're upset, maybe offer a treat after school as compensation and to gee them out the door. If it's still missing and she really does hate the other hat, tell her you'll buy her another if you can afford it. I think it's fair enough for kids to have style issues. Remember it well from being small myself.

Ah yes, that old chestnut, I think a lot of us have been there. I think all you possibly could have done differently would be to stay calm rather than exasperated (hard, but possible sometimes ), and to maybe have a quick (30 seconds) look for the other one with DD, explaining as you did that you were very sorry, these things happen with decorating etc and she can wear the other one or do without today- choice . Can imagine my DS would probably choose to go without- I would take the other hat in the car and offer it or get to put in book bag in case.

This would be on a good day. Other days I would have thrown the other hat in the floor in exasperation or some other equally mature parental response..

Ds did that this morning. His new hat which I paid through the nose for because it looks like a WWII flying hat and I really wanted him to have a hat he will wear because he has ear problems.

I said "fine, be cold".
He put the hat on when I walked away and wasn't standing over him.

I would have suggested she wore the hat towards school and took it off when we got near if she wanted to. Chances are she'd have forgotten by the time she got close to school and would have wore it in without noticing.

Sometimes just to get DD#2 to understand what I am saying (when she expects a miracle!) I ask her if she can come up with a sensible way to sort the problem out. Usually if I can get her to think about it she will realise that she can't always have her way and then is usually more keen to accept the next best answer in the situation.

I've had the same thing. Wouldn't wear this and wouldn't wear the other. I don't think there is an easy answer. There is no more you can do but to say sorry it's lost and you wear the alternative hat or go without a hat. I used to say if I could magic it out of thin air then I would but sorry I can't. I sympathise!

So hard to do, but remain calm. I will add that I fail to take my own advice every time though. Its difficult to stay reasonable when a seemingly small problem threatens to make everyone late for school and work.

I think you handled it fine, and you shouldn't worry.

You explain you can't find hat. You understand why she is upset, but you can't do anything about it right now. She remains upset, so you explain to teacher. Teacher also acknowledges she is upset...

My guess is that teacher then distracts her. She gets on with her day.

Nothing to worry about.

Have realised you are wondering about what happened in the classroom and how you told the teacher rather than what happened at home. I think I probably wouldn't have involved the teacher, but I can see why you did as she was still upset. Perhaps if you aren't happy about what happened have a chat with her again briefly at a calm moment about how things went. She needs to see that home and school worlds will need to meet if she is upset etc and she had a choice to not be upset before this happened- I might have said something like "now, are you going to calm down, or do I need to explain to your teacher why you're upset."

I'm obviously mean an horrible because I would have told my dd/ds to stop being so ridiculous, it is a hat for keeping your head warm, nobody would care. And if it bothered them that much they could get cold.

So as far as I can see you went above and beyond for her 'emotional wellbeing' tbh!

I'm a horrible mum too Stacey

I'd have taken the hard line - wear the new one or go without, no argument. But I'm the most horrible mum on the planet, I sent DD1 to school with no shoes on. Because she point blank refused to wear them. She was in YrR. So I said fine, go without shoes then. We walked from the car to the school gate with her in socks, in March (it was fortunately dry). By the time we got there, DD1 said tearfully if she could ask her teacher to wear her plimsolls out of her PE kit for the day, which was my intended outcome.

She never did anything like it again.

I think you went well above and beyond what a Mum should do.

I am in the mean camp too I fear.

I possibly would have asked her what we could do about it, bearing in mind the other hat is missing, then would have gone down the route.....'that we haven't got your other hat, I haven't got time to look now, so you can either wear this one, or none at all.... your decision...'

If she had said none at all, I would have said fine, but you may be cold, lets put this one in my pocket just in case. I would then let her go without and if she was cold, produce hat without comment!

Mean one too.

It's a hat!

Wear it and be warm..Don't wear it and be cold.

At 6 she is old enough to understand this.

Have had similar with DS. Now 9 - the clothing thing gets worse as they get older I'm afraid.

Pick your battles!

taking careful note of all these useful responses!

OP - have you read 'how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk' (I think that's right!) It has very useful tips for dealing with situations like this. Some of the ideas seem strange, but they are effective!