Hi,
This is my first post, but thought I would have a go as not sure who to talk to. I am an NQt but only employed for 1 term. I had a gut feeling that this was not the school for me, but I ignored it as it was so difficult to get a job. Now I am really regreting that decision.
I am really unhappy at school, but thought that it was best to grit my teeth and get on with, after all it is only until December. I have a challenging class, but I don't think that that is the problem. I am finding it really difficult to work with my TA. I get the distinct impression that my TA hates me. It has now become so difficult to work with my TA that I do not want to even have a conversation with them, and am waiting for the criticism or look on their face whenever I am teaching. This has made me so nervous that I don't feel I am teaching to the standard I taught at on placement and I hate the negative tense environment, it is making me miserable.
Don't get me wrong I am not blaming my TA for my own mistakes as a teacher. I am aware that I need to improve in areas to meet the core standards. It's just that I am so miserable at the thought of going into school and working with my TA that I don't have the enthusiasm to carry on. I don't even want to pick my work up anymore as it just makes me want to cry at the thought of going into shcool.
I have read lots of posts and comments about how bad it will look and that I will not get another job if I try to get early release from my contract. I feel trapped as I think it has now got to the stage where I am suffering from depression. I don't see how I can possibly make it until christams, because the thought of going in for one more day makes me feel sick and want to cry. I don't want to end up taking weeks off with illness, as that also will put off any prospective employers.
One of the things that has got me through this far is not wanting to let people down and wanting to prove myself before I go. But I am so unhappy now that I don't seem to care and passing the term does not seem important, I am just counting down the days. I have no motivation anymore and don't see how I can improve (this is usually one of my strengths, as I have always taken constructive criticism and imporved week on week when on placement) as I don't want to put the work in anymore, just thinking about the work makes me want to cry. I have got to the stage where I no longer come home and get straight on with my work, but put it off as long as possible and then end up working until 1 am, because I just want to forget about school and stop feeling like crying.
For the sake of my mental wellbeing the best thing would be to get out early and try some supply work, to see if I even want teach anymore, to get my confidence back and to develop my skills and resources.
I also think that I could then apply for positons through an agency where I can get to know the school first and work with the age group I trained with, and felt happy with. However, if I try to quit will I ever get another job? I think I owe it to myself to give it one last try with the age group I have always loved, before I decide that it is not for me. After all I had some good experiences on placements and in previous roles in schools. I am scared that I might throw my career away because of one school that is not for me. I really don't know what to do please help.