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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Dd (Y2) told by TA she shouldn't cry at school

51 replies

Happygirl77 · 03/10/2012 17:19

My dd1 (6) is in a mixed Y1/2 class and today they were doing drawings of each other. Dd1 has always had blonde hair though it is darker now than it used to be (I would still say dark blonde though some say light brown). This is relevant! Dd1 was cross that her partner drew her with brown her (no yellow bits) at which point the TA insisted that she does have brown hair. Dd1 burst into tears (she and dd2 and ds have always had blond hair and green eyes like daddy so to be told her hair wasn't blonde was a source of great distress for her!) The TA told her to stop being silly and that now she is in Year 2, she shouldn't cry at school.

This is the concerning bit for me. I don't want dd1 feeling that she can't explore her emotions or express her feelings at school. I certainly don't want her repressing what she feels. To be honest, I'm disappointed that the TA (usually very sensitive) didn't ask why dd1 was so upset at being told her hair was brown instead of telling her she was being silly and she shouldn't be silly!

Am I being PFB? Dd1 has SEN and struggles a bit (also an August bday). First post so please be gentle!

was told by the TA today that, "You're in Year 2 now, you shouldn't cry at school".

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Original poster

Happygirl77 · 03/10/2012 17:21

Sorry, that came out a bit muddled (on phone) - hopefully it makes some sense!

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CuriousMama · 03/10/2012 17:22

I suppose if they all cried in class it could get annoying? Also she may distract the others? But if they know she has SEN you'd think they'd make allowances?

So your dd told you this? Does she enjoy school usually?

seeker · 03/10/2012 17:24

Are you absolutely sure it was as dd told you? I would go in and ask about it- you may find that her account of events is a a bit different to the TA's!

But it is a little bit of a silly thing to cry about- don't you think?

CuriousMama · 03/10/2012 17:27

Ds2 has SEN's he's just gone into yr7. He used to cry in year 6 and I don't recall him ever being told not to cry? We moved here 2 years ago so he had some disruption which he doesn't take kindly to.

He's absolutely blossomed in yr7 though. He hated his old school.

I hope your dd likes hers usually, it's awful if they're sad.

CuriousMama · 03/10/2012 17:28

seeker just wondering if you have a SEN dc? What may seem silly to some is seen as major to other dcs.

Sirzy · 03/10/2012 17:29

are you sure that what your DD said is actually how it happened? children that young aren't always known for accurate reporting of the situation.

I can understand why crying over such a little thing would be discouraged. Schools simply haven't got time to pander to children being upset over such small things (unless her special needs means she struggles with emotions in which case they should be more understanding, but still discourage it)

mrsbaffled · 03/10/2012 17:35

I have told my DSs not to cry at school.....

ishchel · 03/10/2012 17:35

I teach secondary and would never tell a kid that they could not cry over something. It isn't my place to judge what else may actually be behind the tears. (well I may judge but it is not my place to give air to those thoughts.)

And no I am not soft as shite. in fact I can be a mean old bat.

Sorry your dd was so upset today. Do go in and find out what was behind the tears from the TAs POV. Just to get a clearer picture for yourself and to most likely give them further insight into your daughter's difficulties.

CuriousMama · 03/10/2012 17:42

ishchel ds2's teachers used to try to get to the bottom of his tears. But it's just him. It's nice to know you would act this way too

SoupDragon · 03/10/2012 17:47

Are her SEN relevant? It is a silly thing to cry over. I d agree that you need to find out what was actually said and what actually happened.

You do need to address why she finds the colour of her hair so distressing though.

peeriebear · 03/10/2012 17:50

DD2 once said she cried at school because she missed me. I'm pretty sure she wasn't told to man up and that she was being silly. She's 5 ffs! (almost 6)

Sirzy · 03/10/2012 18:07

It could well be as simple as they said to her "now come on, you don't need to cry do you" when trying to calm her down and she has taken it wrongly.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 03/10/2012 18:11

It depends on the extent of her special needs doesn't it?

I mean to some people it would seem an odd thing to be do upset about but to others it would be a perfectly normal thing to get upset about.

outtolunchagain · 03/10/2012 18:28

My ds is dyspraxic and 15 , he is still quick to cry even now although not much at school now . He has had to work rely hard at it as crying is a known characteristic of dyspraxia.

cansu · 03/10/2012 18:42

Tbh my dd has sen and I do sometimes tell her not to be silly and get upset about daft things. I doubt she has been emotionally damaged by this remark really.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 03/10/2012 18:48

The ta was probably trying not to make it into a major incident and being very jolly hockeysticks, let's move on sort of thing.

yellowsun · 03/10/2012 19:00

6 year olds often use inaccurate colours in their drawings. What did you want the TA to say? It's hardly the end of the world. I'm sure she just trying to stop her crying and to move the situation on without upsetting the other child also.

Pinot · 03/10/2012 19:22

Is the SEN relevant to the interaction?

Soupy is right up there, you need to find out why hair colour is so upsetting for her.

Was she crying about hair colour, or about something else? Is she happy and settled? Are relations with the TA normally good?

I would say this is a "straw/camels back" situation and I would try to find out what is going on.

Hope you're OK though :)

Fairenuff · 03/10/2012 20:20

I work in Year 2 and I wouldn't tell a child not to cry but if I couldn't understand what they were saying I might say something like, 'I can't understand you when you're crying. You need to stop crying and talk to me, tell me what the problem is'. Maybe it was something like that?

Original poster

Happygirl77 · 03/10/2012 20:37

Thanks for all the responses!

Yes, DD told me this. I went back to school to chat to the TA (who has always been very kind and gentle to DD) and she told me, "Yes, that's exactly what happened and I told her I had no sympathy for her being so silly!" She was gossiping talking to the teacher about it when I went in and v defensive, crossing her arms and looking fed up! TBH, dd is quite good at remembering who said what and what has happened at school.

She does usually enjoy school, but has an IEP for reading and non-specific/undiagnosed neurological issues (paediatrician says she ticks boxes for symptoms of dyslexia / dyspraxia / asd / ADHD but not enough for a clear diagnosis of any one of them). She has major sensory issues (would prob score highly for an auditory processing disorder - paed and senco agree). So whether her SEN are relevant I don't know, just background to a sensitive and introspective little girl I guess!

Is it a silly thing to cry over? Not for her. She and her db and ds all have green eyes "like daddy" and blond hair "like daddy". I think she has always considered those physical features a major part of her identity (since they confer belonging to a certain family). So to suddenly be told, "you don't have blonde hair" was like saying, "you don't look like your daddy, brother or sister". Plus brown hair is like spiders, apparently! I can see why it would seem ridiculous to parents of NT children (and I cannot imagine my other dd reacting like this).

Apparently she continued to cry "all afternoon" (that bit I don't quite believe!) and sucked her thumb as she was upset, which is a sure sign of anxiety in her (at least she didn't chew her skin til it bled - on the bright side...)

I don't think she's been emotionally damaged cansu and neither do I think it the end of the world yellowsun - I was generally more concerned at her being given the general advice that now she is in Year 2 she shouldn't cry! The incident itself is more context for the advice, in my mind.

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Original poster

Happygirl77 · 03/10/2012 20:40

Oh, the other thing is that she told me earlier that she had cried yesterday at school as she wasn't picked to do dancing in the harvest assembly So maybe the TA just wants her to toughen up a bit!

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LucyBorgia · 03/10/2012 20:57

Yanbu at all and you seem to understand why your little girl reacted the way she did. An innocuous comment from the TA that hit a sensitive spot. A good thing op really! Now the TA will be more aware of her sensitivities. Where is the teacher in all this btw? Primary responsibility and all that. in my classroom the conversation/exploration of the situation would be the responsibility of the teacher..

Goldenjubilee10 · 03/10/2012 21:34

Perhaps it is a bit of a silly thing to cry over but the things that reduce me to tears are normally the silliest and I'm an adult. The link with dyspraxia/crying is an interesting one.

Original poster

Happygirl77 · 03/10/2012 21:34

Dd didn't say where the teacher was - she didn't want to go and tell her in case she told her she was being silly too [cross] I think the main problem, LucyBorgia is that there was no exploration of the situation...

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Pinot · 04/10/2012 09:08

I would speak to the teacher, in all honesty.

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