Just snuck down to see DS at lunchbreak - now I'm crying:(

[HufftheHedgehog]

DS has just started in P1 after being at nursery. He had lots of friends at nursery, but the ones he was closest to are at a different primary school to him now.

Over the past few weeks I've asked him what he's been doing in class, who he plays with at breaks etc and although he doesn't give very detailed answers he's been saying that he doesn't play with anyone at break time :( So when I ask 'What about so-and-so from nursery?' he says they don't want to play with him...

I thought I'd sneak down today at lunch to see for myself, as I didn't really believe that he just sat at the side - but that's exactly what he's doing :( So upset for my little boy, he's normally really sociable and it makes me so sad that he just looked so alone today.

Should I speak to his teacher about it? I don't really know what she could do tbh... I know some of the other mums, so perhaps could ask them if their DCs could keep an eye out for my DS...

Thanks in advance

Started Reception, not Year 1

When ds1 started school I kept asking what he did at play time and who he played with and he kept saying that he just played by himself and no one wanted to play and it broke my heart. We had moved him during the holidays to a new area and he didn't know anyone.
Within a couple of weeks he just seemed to settle and start making friends. I was so worried I had done something terrible and we should have stayed where we were but it turned out fine very soon.
I know how much it hurts but just keep positive with him.

Oops just saw the other posts - I did think about going in but I was crying and didn't want him to see me in case he got all upset too...

Like the ideas though about thumbs up/thumbs down after break time, I'll suggest that to his teacher, and also the 'Friendship Bench'.

I know that he will make friends eventually, and he's actually enjoying school which I why I don't want the time at breaks to put him off. I'm feeling a bit more positive now, thank you all :) He finishes at 15:15 so I'll report back tonight on how it went with his teacher

Ours is called the Buddy bench. They have Y2 buddies (age 6-7), and Y6 buddies (age 10-11) here, so P2 could be buddies for P1's.

In a way it is lucky that you have checked it, OP, because now you can do something about it and give the teacher a clear example if needed.

Most teachers are used to dealing with this. Learning how to make friends is one of the key issues in settling in at this age.

Unfortunately not all schools are very good at dealing with this. To a large degree it depends on the staff on duty. Some are more keen to chat with each other then look after the kids and some genuinely believe that kids should sort themselves out without staff interfering.

At many schools the teachers have a rota for patrolling the playground at playtimes and other (non-teaching) staff supervises lunchtime.

Apart from talking to the teacher (either make an appointment or at pick up time), try to invite a possible friend for a playdate to help him make friends in a quiet environment.

(They have Y2 buddies too because some of the 4yo's are a bit too intimidated to approach an almost-adult sized in some cases 11yo)

Hi HufftheHedgehog:

I'm so sorry to hear your news and I'm sure you're heartbroken for your little boy. No Mum wants school to start off like that.

However, it is early days yet.

My advice is to talk to the teacher but also make a point of finding out what he can play with during recess.

For instance - there may be bikes or scooters especially for P1. If so - is there a bike day or can they use them any time.

Does he like hopscotch? If so is there a hopscotch grid he can play on?

Does he like hitting a ball against a wall? Shooting baskets?

Is there a climbing frame? Are there skipping ropes?

schools usually lay on a ton of these things, but children often don't know to ask for them. School forgot to mention scooters could be used until Easter in Class R to us, so apparently they just sat there brand new and unused in a shed.

Try and find out what he can do at recess, especially on his own and try and show him what's there - may take a few mornings. Usually people want to join play - so if your son starts playing others will join.

Now - I also think play dates (during half-term) can help break the ice.

When is his birthday. Consider a party? It doesn't have to be super fancy or expensive - but get as many round as you can - it really helps make bonds.

Finally - start looking out for after school clubs. This is another great way to make friends.

It is hard starting school - but I suspect he's in with a nice group of kids, they're just all uncertain what to do, still at that age where they play alongside rather than with other children, and probably need a bit of encouragement. Let the teacher know (as we're all saying) it will help nudge them into ensuring nobody is left out, and may benefit more than just your son.

HTH

Sorry!

Same with my DS in Reception. Tell the teacher - they can let the playground supervisors know.

The buddy system is great...my DS felt so great playing with some kind older boys, until he formed friendships from his own year group. He continued to "hang out" with the older ones sometimes.

The friendship bench, lonely bench (yuk!) whatever...not for me really. It somehow makes the child feel they are lesser than their peers, or have done something wrong or aren't good enough.

Much better that school assign a buddy and playground supervisors be proactive and arrange games that are inclusive and welcoming.

He'll be great soon (and friendships are so fluid in Reception/P1) but I know it hurts like heck to see them on their own.

A small PS. Now in Y5 and very occasionally my DS opts to be alone. That's ok too, as long as it's their choice.

I hope the chat went well?

Talk tot he teacher and try and get some play dates with kids he likes in the school.

I managed to speak to his teacher as they were coming out, it went ok although I'm sure she thinks I'm just worrying needlessly. She said that he's happy in class and hasn't cried or anything at break time to draw attention to him being unhappy.

I asked about a buddy system, but she said they didn't do that anymore, but promised that next week the playground supervisor would keep an eye out for him not really sure how that will happen as the P1/P2 playground looked chaotic today at lunch time with about 100 children running about!

So will take other advice too, and try to arrange a couple of play dates for after school, or better still at a weekend when DS will be less tired from a long day 'working' at school :)

You sound like you feel better Huff. Really good idea about the playdates, it doesn't have to involve meals or anything. Maybe the Mum could come back to yours for a cup of tea for an hour after school and bring her DS.

Thanks for all the encouragement

Sparkling I think that idea about inviting a friend and Mum back for a snack/cup of tea after school is good, will try to organise something next week

I'll (hopefully) look back on this in a couple of years and wonder why I fussed so much...

DS1 is 13 Huff, and I still remember those days well. I am now fussing about Year 9 options-there is always something.

You just want to make everything right for them, it's only natural I suppose. x

Just a quick update for anyone interested - DS has been happier this week, he's mentioned a couple of friends, which is nice :)

And just by chance I met another Mum in the playground, who also has a DS in P1 who doesn't know anyone, so we 'suggested' to them that they play with each other. They're going to come round after school next week, so hopefully I've made a new friend too :)

So just wanted to say thanks so much for all the encouraging words last week, it meant a lot when I was feeling very upset by it all.

Oh Huff that is great. I bet you feel so much better.

Huff, my dd was like this at first, my advice is to invite children round to play as much as you can. On the day they are coming to visit they tend to hang out together all day! Just try to invite anyone your son mentions, he won't get on with everyone but I bet it will help him firm up friendships with some.

Oh yes, the excitement on the day they are coming to play it's so lovely to see.