Y1 DS very upset, group of friends constantly "telling on him".

[wanttomakeadifference]

DS started new Y1 class 3 weeks ago. After about a week he was quite withdrawn one evening, we had a chat and he explained that a group of girls keep saying they are "telling the teacher on him". I asked him to explain what type of things he was doing to instigate them needing to tell, he said things like him sitting where they wanted to sit at lunch, not wanting to play their games, not giving them the scissors when he was using them.

He was worried that he had been naughty and the teacher (or me) was going to tell him off. I explained that if he had been naughty then that would happen, but that if the things that happened were not naughty then he needn't worry.

A few days later he said he had decided to do what they said he should, as then they wouldn't tell on him. We had another chat, I tried to explain about telling tales unnecessary. I didn't want to say that the girls were definately being unfair, as I only have his version of events.

He came home on Friday, and burst into tears saying he didn't want to at with them, so they said they had told the headmistress, and that she would find him and tell him off. He was worried all weekend, despite me trying to reassure him.

I spoke with his teacher yesterday. She was lovely, she said that there had been some unnecessary tale telling in the classroom and clarified that DS had been very well behaved as far as she was aware. She agreed to have a word with the whole class, and to try to reassure DS (or any other children in a similar position) that he is not in trouble if tales are told.

I am really struggling to explain the concept of tale telling to DS. He knows the difference between right and wrong, and he is generally a good boy- but he is can't see that if he's done nothing wrong he's not going to get into trouble. He's also petrified of being in trouble, despite the fact that at home this only means a stern talking to (I don't tend to shout, and we don't smack (so far).

I just want my happy go lucky, carefree little boy back. Can anyone suggest how to help him, or make him understand please?

If the girls don't let up with their terrorisation of your little boy I'd encourage him to seek out the teacher periodically and ask, please, Miss, am I in trouble yet? And if she says no, dear. Run and play, then he should stop worrying and enjoy the rest of the day.

I'm not sure that there is a nice way of managing tale-telling. There are lots of horrible ways of managing it. But I think in those cases the medicine is worse than the illness. The girls clearly want your son to be worried and he's obviously a lovely sensitive child because he is worried. You, presumably want him to remain that way. So in this case periodic reassurances from the teacher are probably your best solution.

Oh I had to tell my DD aged 8 the difference between telling tales and telling me when it's something worth saying!

She kept coming to me with tales about her sister aged 4...things like "X is putting loads of lipbalm on" and "X is taking all the toys off her shelf"

I explained that it was telling tales unless A: Someone might be about to get hurt or has been hurt.

B: Someone has broken something or is about to break something.

C: Someone is being very mean and saying nasty things.

Other stuff...deal with it!

Tell DS that when they are threatning to tell on him....that he only needs to think "Am I hurting anyone or breaking a rule?" and if the answer is no...then to say "Go on then! Tell!"

Why do you view it as just "telling tales"? Sounds like bullying to me - not being able to sit where he wants for lunch, having to play their games, etc. It may be mild (in some people's view) but it has to be nipped in the bud by the school. Behaviour like this can make a child feel powerless if allowed to continue.

In Y1 they are more than old enough to know what bullying behaviour is and teachers should take it seriously. The school can (a) have a general talk to the whole class about bullying and (b) make sure this group of girls know that their behaviour is unacceptable and impose age appropriate sanctions.

Hope your DS is ok .

Speak to teacher again and nip this unpleasantness in the bud.

Raisin the OP means that the girls are telling tales on her DS so she wants him to understand that when they pick on him like this, they are telling tales which is silly.

I really like that response learnandsay - great way for him to take control in the short term, which will reassure him

I also agree this sounds like bullying to me

BigFat

Yes, but small children are not easily reassured, The behaviour from the girls needs tackling as well

I don't wish to sound unduly harsh towards the girls. Some children want to emulate adults and that may of course all the girls are doing - playing at being "in charge".

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts I understand perfectly the OP. Yes these girls may be being "silly" by "telling tales" but they are still bullying him.

Change the genders around, if it was a group of boys targetting a girl and being generally unpleasant, would you be so understanding?

It is a situatuion that needs to be tackled - too often this low level bullying is dismissed and the child on the receiving end is left feeling confused by the behaviour.

The OP DS should not be "withdrawn" and "bursting into tears".

I would raise it again with the teacher - just my opinion

I'm not being "Understanding" re the girl's behaviour...and I never made out that their behaviour was ok but that's what they have been doing...telling tales....telling tales isn't viewed with an easy going attitude....it's frowned upon.

Am I right in thinking English is not your first language Raisin

And yes...I would be the same if the sexes were reversed. I just gave the OP advise about her boy understanding the difference between telling tales and informing an adult about bad behaviour.

You need to teach him to stand up for himself.
He needs to tell the girls "Go on and tell then." and explain to the adult that he has done nothing wrong. If he's normally well behaved and the tell tales are known as doing this a lot then the adult would tell the girls off.

"Am I right in thinking English is not your first language Raisin"

???
BigFatLegsInWoolyTIght Not that it is remotely relevant to the discussion but English is my first and only language!!

Is it yours? I believe you mean "advice" not "advise"

What you see as a simple case of the boy needing to recognise tale telling, I see as bullying. It's called a difference of opinion!

It is relevant...because if English wasn't your first language, then your understanding of the phrase "telling tales" might not be solid. The way you put a sentence together made me think that maybe it wasn't.

You are mixed up about the way I see this boy's experience. I do not and never said that I saw it as "a simple case of tale telling."

You assumed that. Massive difference.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIght

I am not "mixed up" about the way you see this boy's experience. I DON'T CARE HOW YOU SEE IT.

What I care about is that a Y1 boy is withdrawn and upset (his mother's words) because a group of girls are threatening to tell tales to teacher about him for sitting in what they deem is their place at lunch; threatening to tell tales to teacher because he won't play the games they want to play; threatening to tell tales to teacher because he won't give them the scissors he is using. These are all events cited by his mother in her original post.

If you can't see that this is bullying behaviour - however low level - then it is you that is mixed up.

Hope that is clear enough English for you to understand. And might I suggest that before you criticise the sentence structure of another, you perhaps review your own.

You obviously do care or you wouldn't be here laboriously re-explaining yourself and repeatedly ignoring what I say.

Thank you to everyone who has posted, your thoughts are really useful.

TBH my first reaction was to be livid at these girls for bullying DS. However, when I calmed down I realised that I might not be being very objective- I didn't want to go in all guns blazing.

Having read the responses I think this is low level bullying and does need to be addressed.

DS refused to tell me anything about school last night. I asked him about the tale telling and he said things were ok.

I think I might try some role play type things with him over the weekend- to try and explain this and encourage him to stand up to them.

Please MNers don't fall out over this issue.

BigFatlegs etc

Couldn't resist biting back though could you!

I repeat myself not for your benefit - God how arrogant could you be - but so the OP trusts her gut and recognises that this is bullying behaviour that needs to be sorted.

Also here because I love MN...I spend every waking second reading and commenting on posts from lovely, balanced, un-mixed up people like you. It is my raison d'etre! Oh, that's irony, just in case you're not too sure!

Sorry for hijacking your thread OP. Hope your son is ok and is feeling better about school. Been through this with my DS - it got out of hand because I didn't take it seriously enough. 4 years on we getting there but are still dealing with the legacy of this sort of bullying. Speak to the teacher again if you are at all worried. Let your son know that it is not ok to be treated like this.