Is this fair ?

[Platespinner123]

My DDs (twins) started a new school last week, switching from another school into Year 3. It 's an independent school and promises it is very child focused, although more formal than their previous school.
In a meeting with the music teacher today to discuss piano lessons, she started mentioning that my children were 'difficult' and were 'having a hard time settling in'. This is the first time this has been mentioned to me and, upon probing, appears to be based upon one interaction on Day 2 of them being at the school. It was at pick-up time, my DH was there and hearing him recount the story there was nothing 'difficult' at all and just regular 7 yr old exuberance.
This meeting was followed-up 10 minutes later with a 'chat' from the class teacher also passing on this 'difficult' message and, having chatted, with my girls it appears they were both upbraided in front of the class for being challenging ( admittedly 1 of them had thrown their lunch box on the floor in anger). Both conversations carried the phrase 'they need to learn how to behave acceptably here.'
I'm fuming. These are little girls and instead of supporting them in the transition to a new school, they seem to be being judged unduly critically by the teachers who should be caring for them. I also find it maddening and unprofessional that they are lumping them together as 'twins'. I can't see that they have been terrible all.
I know I need to speak to the head teacher. My second instinct though is to remove them and look for somewhere less judgemental. I struggle to see how it can be professional for teachers to leap to these opinions.
I'm worried though about overeacting and also the possible negative impact of moving them again.
Aargh !!

Certain private schools tend to like children who are less spirited (for want of a better word), it makes them easier to teach. It doesn't sound particularly very child focused to me, unless the children are all the same. I'd give it a little time and see how it goes.

Well, someone has to be the first to tell you that your DCs are misbehaving at school. And the lunchbox throwing does sound like an incident that would be unacceptable everywhere. What were they doing in the music lesson that was 'difficult'? Remember that one person's 'exuberance' might be everyone else's 'lesson wrecking disruption'. And the form teacher seems to have wider concerns than the one headline incident.

Yes, they need to settle down. The immediate way ahead is to work with the school to achieve acceptable behaviour in the classroom.

The school certainly needs to stop lumping them together as twins. Perhaps they should be in separate classes?

And if the ethos of the school does not in practice meet what you want, then you can consider moving them. But perhaps this will all prove to be teething troubles and their exuberance will stay in the playground.

Are you sure it was just about the "lunch box" incident?

That might have been the one they chose to mention (possibly because your dh had seen it too) but there may be other incidents.

Personally I wouldn't call throwing a lunchbox on the ground as "regular 7 year old exuberance". From that phase I would have assumed they'd come running out of school shouting what they'd done at school and leaped into his arms iyswim.

They do need to treat them as individuals, are they identical? I was speaking to a mother who said her twins only got treated as individuals when they started doing their hair totally differently. They were in different forms too, but everyone assumed they would do everything the same. Irritated them and her!

Throwing a lunchbox on the floor in anger would be 'terrible' at DD's school. Child would be sent to the headteacher and DD age 6 would no doubt tell me in shocked tones.

She is at a small private school and behaviour is excellent. They also make expectations quite clear from day 1.

I agree that they should be helping the children settle in and learn the rules asap but I think you need to be speaking to the teacher and trying to work with the school.

I assume you and the children spent time in the new school prior to moving them. You will know what is different to the old school. If you can go into assembly etc each week. You will see how the other children behave and the expectations staff have.

Twin thing - are their 2 classes in yr 3? Could they be split.

I think you need to go in and talk to the teacher about your dds' behaviour in school. Maybe you have very different ideas as to what constitutes "acceptable" behaviour from those of the school? One person's idea of "exhuberance" can easily be another's idea of "naughtiness". (Indeed, the naughtiest boy in ds's old school was described as "exhuberant" by his mother). Throwing a lunch box on the floor would be unacceptable in most school settings.

The two schools I have worked at would both consider throwing a lunchbox in anger pretty terrible, sorry.

Sorry OP, I'm with tiggy, bradbourne and imaginate.

The behaviour you describe would not be acceptable either at the state primary DS used to attend, or the Prep he attends now.

Erm, yup. I'm with others. The lunchbox throwing on anger stuff is well out of the normal behavior expected of any seven year old in any educational environment.

It sounds as though they do need to learn how to behave appropriately. Not just there. Anywhere.

Judged unduly? Nah. It is sadly you that has an unrealistic idea of what normal 7 yo behavior is. Tell your children that such behavior will not be tolerated in that school or any other, and it is not acceptable. They need to get a grip. By year three they should absolutely understand the rules, and they apparently don't.

What on earth sort of school are you expecting to find where such behavior is tolerated in year three? A child might get away with it once whilst having a tantrum in reception, but I don't know a single nt yr 3 that would even dream of lobbing a lunch box in anger at school. Or not one that would believe it was ok, anyway.

They do sound enormously difficult. Split them up and teach some rules.

You're 'fuming' - but at the school? So they are to blame for your children's behaviour?

Surely this is a piss-take?

I teach in a state school with a very, very mixed intake - definitely not a 'MN-type' school - and throwing a lunchbox in anger (at any age) would be unacceptable, to-the-head-for-a-stern-word, no-playtime, speak to the parents at the end of the day behaviour.

(I would make an excepotion for one child, on some occasions, given the nature and severity of his special needs - but even he knows that such behaviour is wrong)

If you believe this to be 'exuberance', then I would suggest that it is your attitude to their behaviour which is the main problem, not the school's. If you tolerate and excuse such behaviour at home, then you are making it much more difficult for your children to fit in and behave acceptably at school.

You need to start setting clear boundaries for them, at home and at school, and backing up any sanctions that the school sets.

If one twin is well behaved, and the other is not, then it is not right to lump them together - but one way of viewing the situation might be that even though one twin's behaviour is slightly less bad than the other's, both of them are so far from the norm for that - or indeed any - school that they are bound to be spoken of together for the moment.

As a teacher, I would not be 'leaping to conclusions' to say that a child who was throwing a lunchbox in anger was behaving unacceptably. That is such a clear breach of normal behaviour expectations that I would deal with it immediately using the normal behaviour management policy of the school.

Following such an incident involving a child new to the school, I would be observing the child's behaviour over a number of days in different environments, probing to find out whether that behaviour was typical of the child, investigating whether there were records of SEN or behavioural issues from the previous school, and depending on my findings, speaking to the parent to find out about whether such behaviour was typical and how home and school could move forward together.

It would be 'unprofessional' NOT to do these things. One of the jobs of a teacher is to manage the behaviour of children in the class, and to respond when behaviour is beyond the pale - I would not be doing my job if I sat back and said 'ah, poor thing, it must be transition, I won't say anything'.

Whatever the behaviour, at this stage of their settling, I'd be concerned about it being labelled and no attempt being made to understand it. That's not child-centred

Platespinner123

Why did you remove your DC from their previous school?

I do agree with you teacherwith2kids. Though it sounds like you would appraach this issue witht the parents with more tact and open-mindedness than the OP seems to have experienced

I was going to ask that, juniper. I decided to give the benefit of the doubt to the op that they had moved from state after infants in a pre-agreed plan, and not because the school hadn't been child centred enough...

It would be better to get cross with your dc and to tell teacher you will be speaking to your dc about their behaviour. Otherwise you may well be wasting your money!

Year three and throwing a lunchbox - totally unacceptable. I struggle to see how it would be professional NOT to mention this. I have a child with asd and ADHD and I would expect him to be sanctioned very.firmly for.such.horrible behavior at school

I'm a year 3 teacher and on my mental list of Very Bad Things Children Have Done, most are tamer than throwing a lunch box at the floor in anger.

And I work in a multi-cultured school in London.

Also, child centred means all if the gildren, not just yours. A lot of seven and eight year olds I know would be quite frightened of a class member who lost her.temper and threw things and the teacher has to protect them from this.

Sorry, but a child can do worse things than this. It's not a great first impression though.

The lunch box throwing is quite bad IMO - neither my 4yo or 6yo would dream of doing that at school and if either did, they could expect a serious telling off and a report to parents.

You need to stop thinking the school are the enemy and work with them to resolve the problems which are being experienced by both your DDs. I know only one threw the lunchbox but there have clearly been other incidents. They are not lumping your DDs together because they are twins, they are lumping them together because they have both behaved badly, although maybe in different ways/incidents. You need to ask the school to define the problems and ask them how they would like you to support them and help them get the problems fixed.

Doesn't it depend though? Throwing a lunch box on the floor in front of you isn't really comparable to throwing a lunch box across the room.

I think that, considering she is seven and not three, any lunchbox throwing should have lost her a.playtime

I am not keen on the word exuberant being used to describe throwing things in anger ... "very naughty" is more accurate