Working parents - how to support reception DD at school?

[Allegrogirl]

Every now and then I get on a major guilt trip about working. DD1 has just started reception and because she didn't go to the local pre-school and our friends live in other areas she only knows one child at the school.

I do one drop off, DH does other 4, and two pick ups a week. I'm concerned that DD won't be able to get to know the children in her class in the way that those with SAHMs will. I can't join the PTA or hang around the playground every morning.

DD is very subdued at the moment. She has only just left preschool and is missing it badly. She seems very quiet and lost at the moment.

I'm probably feeling sorry for myself as I hate my job but I'm the main earner. I want to be around to support my DD at the moment.

Please tell me it doesn't matter and that she will make lots of friends soon.

If it helps, I don't hang around the playground chatting either, and I am a SAHM She will still be spending all day with her class, and lots of them don't start doing any play dates for ages yet.

You will get to see more of them at the million parties all at the same place usually over the next year or so.

I am going to hazard a guess that you already have some friends? You don't need to be super pally with the other mums unless you really want to, and after a full year of reception I still only have the phone number of one other mum. You will be seeing these people for years , there's no rush.

And DD will settle in soon, she has done maybe 2 weeks so far? it will come. I really saw DD bloom in her first year - she loves it. I am only up to yr 1 now so no expert

Signing in as DS will be starting Reception in September 13 with the same issues as you've outlined - a FT working mum with limited chance to know other mums to have friends / play dates lined up. DH goes to the local toddler group with DS but has said that he's aware that other mums are wary of him because he's often the only man there so he only knows a couple of other mums, whose children are either in the year above or the year below (DS is an August baby so we know a couple of September babies).

As DS is at nursery is another village he also won't know anyone when he starts; like you, I'm hoping this won't matter because friendships are relatively transitory at this age. I don't know, I'm a twin so never had this issue - I went into school with my sister to play with.....

DH and I both work ft, and only pick up in a waiting around way (other times its to early club and from late club) once a week. DS went to school with only one child he knew, but seemed to settle in fine and made his own friends.
His best friends have been the ones who also go to holiday club as they play more, but theres loads of parties

During reception, virtually all work will be in groups so she will get to know the other children quickly even if she didn't know anyone at the start.

I would ask her if there are any children in the class she would like to invite to play. Then approach the mothers of these children on the days you do the drop off/pick up or ask your DH to organises this on his days.

Alternatively wait another fortnight and ask the teacher if your dd has made some friends and then approach the mothers of these friends.

Thank you for your reassuring replies. DD is really wound up and badly behaved since starting and I wish I was around at every pick up time to try and make it easier for her. She says she is sad at school but I don't know why.

dikkertjedap I have two days a week were I am around but these are currently used for swimming and ballet so after school playing not an option. Hopefully we can fit something in at the weekends once DD makes some friends. We are lucky to have lots of friends, just none at the school.

Hi:

I'm a working Mum with DD1 in Y5 and DD2 in Y3. Over the years my solutions have been these:

1. I arranged to do extra hours Mon - Thurs so I could have Friday mornings free for reading morning (YR - Y2). I already had fridays as work from home days, unless there was an important meeting. I also worked over-time to then take paid leave on days of Christmas productions/ sports day/ field trips/ etc... Parents with young children are entitled to flexible working. Employers usually find that allowing a worker to have the flexibility results in happier worker and usually good or increased productivity.

2. Consider after school clubs - It extends the school day (so helps with getting to school from work) and it gives out of class time with friends.

3. Consider throwing a birthday party and inviting as many as you can. Or hosting a party jointly with a parent whose child has a birthday near to the time of your own (we did this for a swim party for DD2 & her friend and the entire class came - nobody was left out, all the kids had a great time and since the birthday cake/ lunch was there, no mess to come home to!). It can seem like keeping up with the Jones' but if you have great parties people will come and your child will always be invited. (My DD1 now Y3 - already has come home with 3 invites to parties and we've only been back to school since 5th sept).

4. consider activities at weekends - outside of school. My DDs swim and go to ballet lessons. They've made great friends through this - but most importantly they're learning that there aren't just friends to be made at school.

5. if your DD had good friends from nursery stay in touch. We arrange to go out to a panto or something festive with friends from nursery every Christmas/ New Year. Usually in the spring we go to a play or show as well. It can stretch the budget that month - but we always have a fabulous time and include going out to dinner so we parents can have a good chance to catch up and most importantly compare notes about school (we've been doing this since YR and DD1 now Y5 - we all really value the 'reality check' with other parents at other schools).

6. Class R is a bit difficult, it was ages before I could work out who was who and who was a great pal. But by Christmas, certainly Easter, you'll have an idea. Try and arrange play dates during half terms/ holidays or inset days. If you have to be home anyway why not. Sometimes you can even arrange that you'll take the inset day in February if they take election day in May.

7. Our school has a high turnover so there's always new kids joining at various times. We find being nice to the new kids is a great way of making friends. First off it's very hard for them, so it's nice to at least meet a few people before going into class. And second, they're usually eager to make friends. You can usually see that they're a similar age or in the queue for the class - sometimes a bit upset - make a point of introducing yourself to the parents and your child to the child. Saying something as simple as 'Is this his first day here? can start a conversation. My DD1 (now Y5) is particularly good at breaking the ice like this and has made a lot of friends that way.

HTH

in time, she will be able to do an after school activity where she will meet other children/make friends. but dont rush that though give her time to settle.

Birthday parties, she will get invited to some of those and will be a chance to put some names to the faces of parents of the children your dd will start to talk about.

I never spent time at the gates, and DH did/does a lot of the school runs due to our work commitments. DD has always made very good friends despite knowing not one single person at the school when she started. It took some time and I worried too about not being in the 'clique' but it is not actually a problem, i know some of the parents now and DD goes to a couple of friends for tea and vice versa, but not lots of them as i dont have time.

It will happen for her, just encourage her to talk about those she spends time with and to play at play time, and when you feel she has one or two friends, and is settled, make a point of inviting one over on a saturday or sunday for an hour, or after school, even if it is just once and even if you have to take a couple of hours annual leave to do it, just to break the ice.

DD is now in yr 2 and we have a parent who lives close to use (we dont live near the school) and we take her son in one day, she takes dd in on another, makes it a bit easier, encourages friendships (not a huge friend with this parent, just to talk to at school, parties, the odd coffee). Some of the mums at DDs school who work lots have managed to make friends with others, and some of them share the school run/help each other out from time to time (tea after school etc).

oh and DD used to always say to me, sadly 'i did not play with anyone today' and it broke my heart. But, then on pressing her, over the course of the evening, she did not play with anyone except this little girl called x, and a boy whose name she can't remember and another child called y, and at dinner she said with x and played with her afterwards (x being her now best friend), but no-one apart from that.

or, she sat on the friends bench with no-one to talk to (friends bench is where they sit if they want to play and have no-one to play with, a mentor finds them some-one to play with, gets them involved in a game or something). and on pressing it turns out she was feeling full from dinner, and a mentor, and x and y had asked her to play but she did not feel like it for a little while then played skipping with a new girl...

I feel a bit like this as Ds has joined a reception class where he didn't know anyone and all except two of the children were in the school nursery together. I work FT so don't hang around at all with the other mums (and we can pick up from the classroom any time within a 40 minute 'window' so there isn't the waiting in the playground bit.)

But, when I think back to DS starting nursery it was much the same to begin with. All of the parents were dropping off and leaving at different times so no real opportunity to work out who was who or to build friendships. Once the parties started though you started seeing the same faces and after a couple of parties you soon work out who is Daisy's mum/Bob's dad and also work out who to avoid. By the time DS left nursery he had made some lovely friends and I also met some great people who I socialise with.

I would say to give it time. Keep the after school/weekend/pre-school friendships going where you can and encourage DD to talk about who she played with. You could have a word with the teacher and ask who her friends are but I suspect friendships are pretty transient at this age and I would expect the teacher to be mixing up groups and keeping an eye out for anyone on their own.

Some good suggestions there PastSellByDate. Can't use after school club as it finishes at 5.00 but I have found a lovely CM for two nights a week (DM does one night). Most of her charges are much older than DD but I thought a few big kid friends in the playground may be a nice thing. DD has an October birthday so I don't think there will be time for a joint party with someone this year, as we don't know anyone yet. Keeping in touch with a couple of pre-school friends is a good plan.

Pavlovthecat

"oh and DD used to always say to me, sadly 'i did not play with anyone today' and it broke my heart. But, then on pressing her, over the course of the evening, she did not play with anyone except this little girl called x, and a boy whose name she can't remember and another child called y, and at dinner she said with x and played with her afterwards (x being her now best friend), but no-one apart from that. "

That sounds familiar from nursery days. No friends at all apart from the hordes coming to greet her at drop off time.

I'm going a meeting friends weekend so he can be reminded of all her baby group friends she has known for years.

Thank you all. I think I am expecting too much from the second week!

DD also knew only one child out of 60 and it took a while for her to warm up. We actually had an issue with bullying and feeling lonely.

I work 4 days, so drop off/pick up is done by a childminder. The Friday afternoon is taken over by gymnastic.

Therefore we try to do playdates at the weekend and during the holidays. She now has a little circle of girls she mentions the most.

The school actually discourage parents waiting in the playground/staying behind long. Obviously there is the PTA but there is maybe a handful of mums only per year.

Our class reps organised very quickly a contact list and a mum's night at a pub to get to know each other better. I now have a number of mums I chat to, be friend on Facebook and I try to attend also as much school events as possible.

You will soon find out that not every other mum is either Supermum or SAHM with her fingers into every committee available.