Refusing to answer questions or do things at school!!

[ltw3]

My son has just started reception, although we had these issues at preschool too. For example, He was asked to do something and he simply says, very politely, 'no thank you' and then covered his hands with his face. He thinks its ok not to answer as he is being polite. Also, when being praised at preschool or given a gold star he refused to take it, eventually the only way I could take one home was if it was given to me. He is ok one to one but in a group doesn't like to do an activity or answer questions. I am pleased he is a polite little boy but would like him to feel comfortable to answer questions, accept praise and doing new activities at school. Any suggestions??

I think his teacher will find a way of saying "do this" in a nice way rather than asking him so don't worry. He is getting a fuss made when he behaves like this so I would imagine that if he gets an award it will be given him quietly if he doesn't want to accept it in front of the class.

My daughter is very shy, too, at times. She has just started year 1 and has changed enormously over the year. So he may be completely different soon.

Don't forget that your son is very young and this is a huge change for him. If you have a good Reception teacher they will be used to all kinds of children with all kinds of levels of maturity, confidence and independence. He is obviously finding things overwhelming at the moment and yet is trying his best to cope politely. Is he attending full time? Does he have to?

There may be ways in which you could help him. Does he know the other children in the class well? If not, could you invite one or two for playdates, so that he has some 'allies' in class.

You could make sure that he appreciates that value of gold stars - "Oh look, you got a gold star today. That means we can have ice cream for tea/play another computer game/buy a little toy."

Young children often don't like being praised in public (I am a teacher, too). It can make them feel too conspicuous. Maybe just a quiet mention to the class by the teacher - 'Oh, I do like the way that X has written his name', almost in passing, would help build up his confidence.

My ds can't see the point in stickers, and thought "no thank you" was an acceptable answer to "come and do activity".

It took him most of a term, but he did find he had to do it when told , and, although he still doesn't like stickers, he doesn't get cross when he's given one.

Hi, thanks for the good advice. He has just been there a week and starts full time in 2 weeks, but i know these 'issues' existed before. He will be 5 in October so yes he needs to be there.

His teacher is new to the role and teaching and as I do not have any other children have nothing to compare to she seems very nice and is happy to ask me about it and has said will encourage him and let me know if nothing changes.

I will suggest the quiet praise if it continues. He knows 2 of the other children but I think I may ask another over for a play to try and encourage a friendship. He is very loud and sociable at home and around people he knows so maybe once he gets used to new school he will improve!

I would leave it to his teachers. He won't be the first or last they have seen this behaviour.

Hi, thanks for the good advice. He has just been there a week and starts full time in 2 weeks, but i know these 'issues' existed before. He will be 5 in October so yes he needs to be there.

His teacher is new to the role and teaching and as I do not have any other children have nothing to compare to she seems very nice and is happy to ask me about it and has said will encourage him and let me know if nothing changes.

I will suggest the quiet praise if it continues. He knows 2 of the other children but I think I may ask another over for a play to try and encourage a friendship. He is very loud and sociable at home and around people he knows so maybe once he gets used to new school he will improve!

Didn't mean to post again, whoops!!

I have only posted on here once before about something completely different, and as soon as I did the issue resolved itself, so maybe the same will happen! I am sure it will change over time just wondered if I can help from home. I will monitor with his teacher.

My sister was once asked "would you like to come and do some reading with me?", her response "no thank you mes x I am quite happy reading on my own" was quite predictable. i wonder if it is how he is being asked (as opposed to instructed to do it)

But then the teacher needs to explain that she was using a very polite way of telling him to do something. Maybe that is all the problem is! I frequently find that I need to explain things like that with year 3 and 4. Sometimes feel that I will never get on top of teaching!

My DS1 was shy too and didn't say much at all in group situations in reception. It has slowly improved but he will still choose not to talk in front of the whole class these days. He is able to when he needs to though and seems to manage without getting flustered now but it has taken time and encouragment.

Could the teacher say '' I need you to xxx '' instead of ''would you like to .xxx ..''

I was very shy and the worst that people could do was try and force me to be more outgoing - just gently encourage without drawing attention to it.