Not sure if I should be posting here or on behaviour/development board but here goes - sorry it's quite long.
Please could you give me some advice as we're struggling with a situation with dd1.
Bit of back story first. We moved abroad when dd1 was nearly 4 and moved back when she was 8.5 so her first experience of primary school in England was at the end of y3 but this was only for a month before it was the summer hols. She has now started in y5. She has found it very hard to make friends in this school and has been quite unhappy to the point where we tried to move her to a different, closer, school. Unfortunately for us our closest school is grade 1 and there were no places. We appealed but were rejected (2:1 against).
We believe the reason it has been difficult for her to make friends is because her current school is very small and by a quirk of fate there are only 7 girls in her class of 22. (We actually think the school is very good as a consequence of the smaller class sizes). All the other girls have been at the school since Reception and all play together which is the problem. This doesn?t suit dd1 as she prefers the company of just 1 friend. We do see this as a problem as she has a tendency to want/need the whole BFF thing which we are certain is bound to lead to crushing disappointment when others don't. Since she has been at the school she has been ?best friends? with about 3 different girls, one left the school but they had fallen out beforehand as she didn?t want to hang out with dd1 anymore, the 2nd one is no longer a friend as she?s ?too bossy? according to dd and now she?s on to the 3rd who I think doesn?t see her as a best friend rather someone who she hangs out with but dd1 always turns it into something more.
Dh & I are both concerned as we think she has unrealistic expectations of what a friend should be. When we lived abroad she did have a very good friend who she still considers her absolute best friend. Whether or not the friend thinks the same I don?t know but when we went back over for a holiday this summer they did spend a lot of time together including a sleepover.
We did speak to her teacher about it last year as we weren't sure if she was being deliberately ignored/excluded by the others but this doesn't seem to be the case.
Dd2 is also at the school (currently in y3) but has fitted in much better, especially as she?s not so fussed about the BFF thing and also conversely there are more girls in her class than boys.
So, dd1 is 10 at the end of this month and we asked her if she would like to have a few friends round for a tea party thing. She told us she only wants BFF3 which made us go 
as warning bells went off. If we agreed would we be promoting this ideal she has in her head about this particular best friends? This week she has also had a row with previous BFF2, telling her she hates her and doesn?t want her to come for her birthday. Double . BTW this friend has invited her, along with the rest of the class, to her birthday party in a couple of months time. I have spoken to dd1 about what she said to former BFF2 telling her that it wasn?t a very nice thing to do (she explained why she?d said it but in my opinion it was an over reaction on her part) and that this class just wasn?t going to be the place for her to have a special friend all of her own.
So, what do we do? Do we have the one friend round for a birthday tea or try to convince dd1 to forget it and just have a lovely family celebration? Dh thinks we should discourage her from having the friend round as he thinks she doesn?t really care about this girl just wants to go along with the whole birthday thing. As in would you turn down the chance to have a birthday party?
This probably doesn?t make much sense as I?m just trying to get information down without much emotion. (It?s killing me to see dd1 so unhappy as I also had trouble making friends when I was her age & it?s bringing up all sorts of feelings).
So WWYD ? about the ?party? and about dd & the school thing generally?