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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

YR and Y2 don't want to go in - tactics needed!

16 replies

jellyrolly · 10/09/2012 14:03

Can anyone share their 'removal' tactics for going in in the morning? DS1 has started Y2 and has constantly said he hates school. He is fine once in and does well, if anything he finds it a bit easy sometimes and gets bored.

DS2 has now started Reception and despite being excited to go and okay the first few days he now has also started saying he hates school and there are tears from one or both. Again he seems fine once in.

DS1 now refuses to walk in with his line which he is doing as he knows I have to take DS2 into reception and he is jealous of the attention.

My only tactic is just to try and stay calm and just say encouraging things but I'm starting to dread school mornings. I'm always the one with a clinger or a cryer, always the last into reception, always calling after DS1 to come back, basically always feeling crap. When I ask them they just say they want to stay at home or stay with me. I don't mind feeling bad but I just want them to enjoy it, even a little bit, or at least not cry and not dread it. Help!

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dikkertjedap · 10/09/2012 14:17

I would start a reward chart for both. Really, the oldest seems to be taking the mickey, but to make your life a bit easier I would put him on a reward chart nevertheless.

I would also not tolerate any talk about 'hating school'. I would give them a talk about children in other parts of the world who are working in factories and would love to go to school to improve their chances later in life. Ask each of them when home to mention three things which were nice at school today to get them in a more positive frame of mind (expect that the youngest might just be copying the older one). If necessary, use the reward chart as well (i.e. if they say there are no three nice things, then they might need a bit more incentive to think a bit harder). Also, make sure that they understand if something really unpleasant/upsetting has happened at school they should tell you as well.

Hopefully, they have settled in a few weeks and you can then do away with the reward chart.

Original poster

jellyrolly · 10/09/2012 14:24

Thank you dikkertjedap. I haven't used a reward chart for ages but it was always effective. Yes, the oldest is absolutely taking the mickey. I have tried to underprivileged children talk but it didn't have much effect sadly. They say things like "break time" and "home time" but it might work if I connect it to a reward chart.

They definitely feed off each other so in theory I only need to crack one....

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Original poster

jellyrolly · 10/09/2012 14:25

(for positive things about school I mean) sorry rushing to get to pick up brain faster than fingers.

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prettydaisies · 10/09/2012 18:35

Is there any chance of your Year 2 child going with a friend and his/her parent or carer?

Original poster

jellyrolly · 11/09/2012 22:32

Well he does go in with his friends but parents don't go in by Year 2. They were a bit better today after a stern talking to last night and the promise of a reward chart. I guess it's early days in the year.

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PastSellByDate · 12/09/2012 11:00

I agree with jellyrolly - make it a habit to talk about what was good in school today.

Start talking with them about how important you think education is - sometimes I think very young children don't understand that good solid reading, writing and mathematics skills (addition/ subtraction/ multiplication/ division) are absolutely essential no matter what you go on to do.

We have 3 strategies about not wanting to go to school:

I usually ask: Don't you want to see your friend x/ your friends x, y & z?
I know you would rather be at home playing with your toys, but I'm just going to be cleaning house today, so it would be really boring (by the way it's always cleaning day on school days!).
but isn't today PE/ choir/ forest school/ you name the favourite subject? Doesn't even have to be true (especially for Year R - also it's always art in Year R! so if your DS likes that stress it).

Your youngest DS may simply be following cues from your eldest - so it is really important that you stress to your eldest how he is a role model for his younger brother. Constantly going on about hating school and crying is setting a bad example for his younger brother.

Finally, with both boys you have to decide if they're reacting to something real or if this is just attitude. I have noticed with boys in the juniors at our school that they've developed a very bad attitude toward school, mainly because its all women teachers and it seems to always be about being quiet, sitting still and doing what you're told to. That can be a real struggle for boys, especially when the weather is nice. The only solution seems to be to find some aspects of school they really enjoy and stress that and/or have them in after school clubs, so it's worth going through the school day to stay on for football/ scouts/ etc....

I also find that if you explain that someone they really admire went to University, so that means that they worked hard at school, did their homework and really learned their ABCs/ 123s - it does sink in that this school thing does lead somewhere.

HTH

PastSellByDate · 12/09/2012 11:02

Oh - forgot to say that if you're working - change #2 to - I would rather be home too, but I've got to go to work today and we both know that's what pays the bills and gives us extra cash for your clubs/ swimming/ scouts and our vacations.... Besides which your birthday/ christmas/ fill in the blank is coming...

Original poster

jellyrolly · 12/09/2012 22:02

Thank you PastSellByDate, that is helpful. I do find it hard to know what to say when they are upset so those ideas are useful.

I don't think there is a real problem as they seem fine once inside. I've been really laying on the positive talks and not accepting negative comments and it is starting to work. Ironically this morning was one of the worst ever mornings, DS2 screaming and pulled off me by the lovely TA but then after school, when they realised complaining wasn't going to get them anywhere they were the most positive they have been. DS2 did say "I was very sensitive today." I tried to keep my face straight poor mite.

Thank you for comments x

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Original poster

jellyrolly · 13/09/2012 14:19

Worse than ever today, DS2 crying from when we left the house begging not to go , peeled off me again. I wish I could make it easier for him. Any one else got a clinger?

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MrsMiniversCharlady · 13/09/2012 14:24

On the first occasion I'd say something like "You really don't want to go to school, do you? I like you being at home too. What shall we plan for when you get home this afternoon? Would you like me to make a cake while you're busy with your friends at school?" and give them a cuddle.

Then be brisk and positive, which I'm sure you're doing anyway.

Original poster

jellyrolly · 13/09/2012 21:30

Thank you, he actually ran out first today beaming and said today was a good day. Fingers crossed for more days like today!

I gave DS1 a 'role model' talk which may have also helped the situation.

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iwouldgoouttonight · 13/09/2012 21:43

I have two 'clingers' too, DS is in Y2 and DD at play group and nursery. I'm afraid I don't have any more advice apart from what others have said, but just wanted to say you're not alone. I feel as though its only my DCs who get upset and cling to my leg, but I'm sure is more common than you think.

I'd always tried the gentle approach with DS and tried to get him to talk to me about what was worrying him, etc but if anything that made him worse, last week it took two teachers to prise him off me So i've now got more tough with him and said things like if he's good and walks to school nicely and goes in without a fuss he can watch a DVD when he gets home, but if he plays up there will be no TV at all. Seems to be working a bit. Now need tactics for DD, she's only three.

Original poster

jellyrolly · 16/09/2012 14:40

Thank you, I agree that being nice and reasonable seems to only make it worse! You feel so mean otherwise but I guess it doesn't help. I think talking about it away from school times helps, mine will agree to anything when discussing it on a Saturday for instance!

You do feel it is just you but it's just sort of all consuming and you don't notice others doing the same. I've come outside and seen other mums in tears and they've had a terrible drop off but I would swear it was only me.

I think they will have their best school time and I'm convinced mine will be juniors and up!

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TwiggysGoneOnHolidayByMistake · 16/09/2012 16:45

I have a Y5 child who still does it :) What helped her a bit was her teacher's suggestion of taking in a favourite cuddly toy (this only works if they have a toy they're attached to). The hope is that they can transfer some of their attachment from you to the toy. With my DS in nursery, I used to give him lots of kisses in the line, that he could 'have' when he needed - this one is for register time, this one is for playtime, this one is for snacktime etc. but what works best of all is trying to make them laugh as they are going in. This can be really hard as you have to start early, before the bottom lip starts to wobble and then sustain it for a good while - not to mention that it's hard to be funny when you're worrying about your child but it's the most effective strategy for me. The best one for my DD is handing her the stuff she needs as the bell rings and then exaggerating it and tickling or miming as you hand over the fake item. eg. "here's your bookbag, here's your lunchbox, here's your water bottle, here's an elephant (make elephant noise complete with raised arm for trunk), here's a bucket of water (pretend to splash water all over them), here's some spaghetti bolognese (making squelching noises and run your hands over their hair and face)."

Frikadellen · 16/09/2012 16:53

Could you not take YR to class first then go to the line give a kiss and walk off.

The biggest problem I see when kids are clingy is the parents hanging around loitering or constantly talking to the child. you know the " it wont be long just go in now... no no dont cry .. oh ok one more kiss ,, now off you go... I will be here soon.. ohh ok a cuddle... now take ferns hand and go with her.. aww you poor thing..." etc etc etc

Set up a routine. a kiss and a hug and a cheery "bye love you" then WALK off they will know they cant get your attention from doing much. It will also set up good habits.

Original poster

jellyrolly · 17/09/2012 16:38

Haha, like the elephant and bucket of water technique, I am all for making them laugh (or trying to make them laugh I should say), I will try that too.

They have to go in in the order the school wants which is older ones first. I don't hang around and fuss but you can't physically leave when your child is hanging off your leg and you have to wait for someone to detach them. We do the same thing, which is pretty much as you describe, but it's early days for him to learn this is the routine.

They are both coming out happy now so I know they are enjoying it mostly when they are there.

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