Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

Original poster

No-one wanted to play with DS at break time <sad face>

21 replies

InelegantlyWasted · 05/09/2012 20:40

DS started in Reception yesterday. We were talking about him going to school tomorrow while I was putting him to bed earlier.
He said that at play time today he asked the other boys to play tag with him and they all said no and told him to go away. I could have cried! I tried to explain that friendships take time to develop and he has only been at school two days. I said he mustn't expect to be best friends with everyone straight away and he must go back tomorrow and spend some more time getting to know his classmates.
I just feel terrible for him. I always struggled a bit socially at school and can remember how horrid it felt when people didn't want to play with me. Just wish I could wave a magic wand for him and make him well-liked!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HalleLouja · 05/09/2012 20:43

Did he know anyone before? It is probably easier for my DS as he went to the nursery at the school so has some good friends already.

Maybe the other boys knew each other already. Maybe they didn't like tag.

I struggled socially at school but my DS so far doesn't seem to have been tarred by that brush.

It can just take time and kids can be cruel.

[Hugs]

hopenglory · 05/09/2012 20:45

Small children are rarely completely alone, despite what they say - for the one or two that didn't want to play tag with him (and probably they were already playing something else), there were probably lots of others that he was playing with - but he won't have remembered to tell you that bit.

Chances are that if you were to be able to see him in the playground he would be happily bumbling around with lots of other littlies - but please don't start hiding in the playground, peering round corners at him

Original poster

InelegantlyWasted · 05/09/2012 20:46

He didn't go to the nursery attached to the school, no. There are only three of them from his nursery out of an intake of sixty.
I know he'll have gone in here all guns blazing - he can be really bossy and probably didn't help himself. I know learning social skills is one of the most important things small children learn at school. I just wish he found them as easy to learn a he has his letters and numbers

OP posts:

Growlithe · 05/09/2012 20:48

I know its hard, but try to ignore any talk like this for the first few weeks and just be positive positive positive about school. He will probably have a completely different experience tomorrow, its such early days

Silibilimili · 05/09/2012 20:49

He is 5. Don't worry. He will be fine. You probably feel worse than he does as that is the way we are socially conditioned.

drjohnsonscat · 05/09/2012 20:50

Poor both of you. I had a bit of a rant about this with colleagues today. Children need help to play together and teacher shd have intervened at this early stage.

But also there's lots you can do. Identify some likely candidates for play dates or swimming lessons together or cubs or whatever. Either because you like the look of the child or because you like the look of the mum. Create spaces for your child to connect with one or two particular kids and facilitate their play for the first few meets. (In my experience all children like jumping so just get some jumping game going!)

Don't let your memories dictate how you feel. It's not written on your or his forehead that you struggled socially. Good luck!

MyAmygdalaDidIt · 05/09/2012 20:51

Hopefully the school will focus on relationships and forming them. Ours is.

It is a nerve wracking time isn't it?

Wishing your little chap good luck for tomorrow....

(Don't care if un M- Netty!)

HalleLouja · 05/09/2012 20:52

DS used to say no one played with him / was his friend at nursery. He had lots of friends. Sometimes they just say they played with nobody.

I am going for the positive positive approach too. Seems to be working so far its only day one.

reddaisy · 05/09/2012 20:53

My dd often says no-one would play with her and I imagine her wandering lonely as a cloud at preschool but her keyworker says she is always in the thick of things so try not to worry too much.

Jahan · 05/09/2012 20:53

Aah that would make me sad too but rest assured, I'm sure he'll have his little group of friends soon.

Ds1 made me so sad once when at the end of half term break, I asked him if he was happy to be going back to school 'no' was his response 'nobody is my friend. they all told me to go away and that they weren't going to be my friends anymore'
I felt so sad for him as he hadn't mentioned it at all during the whole break. I reassured him and told him I'm sure it will be fine and it was. Everyone was friends with him the very next day.

Children can be cruel but they can forget and make friends easily too.

Itsjustafleshwound · 05/09/2012 20:53

Does the school have a buddy system - an older child is paired with a recwption child so for the first few weeks there is a familiar face on the playground? A buddy bench?

My dd was only 1 of 60 other children who knew of/went to preschool together and it took time but all ended well.

Relax

HumphreyCobbler · 05/09/2012 20:58

hopenglory has it spot on.

"Chances are that if you were to be able to see him in the playground he would be happily bumbling around with lots of other littlies" I love this description.

please try not to worry, he will really be fine.

DeWe · 05/09/2012 21:00

To me it depends on whether the other boys were playing tag, and he asked if he could join, and they said "no".... In which case I'd mention it to the teacher so they can keep an eye out for them leaving him out.

Or if he went up to a group of boys (possibly already playing something) and said "Will you play tag with me?" In which case I'd use it more of a learning curve for him, teach him to join in what is being played, or ask what they'd like to play. If none of them has an idea then he can suggest tag. I think if someone had asked ds on his first day if he'd like to play tag then he wouldn't have known what it was, so would have automatically said no.

But I agree that the "No one will play with me" is often hiding the reality of 30 seconds of standing on own, and 59 minutes surrounded by others playing with them. At that age anyway. The teachers should notice a reception child on their own on the first day (and later) and make sure they're okay too.

Original poster

InelegantlyWasted · 05/09/2012 21:07

Thanks for all your replies and distinctly un-MNety hugs, they are very much appreciated.
What I imagine happened is he approached some other kids who were already playing something else and asked them if they wanted to play tag. When they said no he wouldn't have thought to ask if he could join in with their game. I will definitely casually mention this to him in the morning about asking people if you can join in with their game.
He did, somewhat dramatically, tell me that he had asked "Everyone" in his whole class to play with him and they had all said no, which I think is fairly unlikely!
I'm finding this whole school thing a lot more tricky and emotionally draining than I thought. Why can't they just stay babies forever?

OP posts:

drjohnsonscat · 05/09/2012 21:13

I'm finding this whole school thing a lot more tricky and emotionally draining than I thought.

Don't let that become a theme though OP. my guess is it is bringing back bad memories for you and you are seeing the young you in your DS and wanting to protect you both. I think you need to be really tough with yourself and make sure your DS doesn't become aware that this is loaded for you.

drjohnsonscat · 05/09/2012 21:14

Sorry posted too soon. I'm sure you are but maybe you will have to fake it till you make it on this.

Original poster

InelegantlyWasted · 05/09/2012 21:18

You're quite right drjohnson I am really making a concerted effort to only say positive things about school so as not to rub any of my anxieties off on him.
I am quite socially awkward now even as an adult, although I am going to be really brave and join the PTA I think . Need to stop worrying and over thinking things!

OP posts:

Nagoo · 05/09/2012 21:23

DS used to tell me that no one would play with him.

I used to cry thinking about it.

It turns out that no one would play his game to his rules at the time he decided he wanted to play it.

We got over it. :)

drjohnsonscat · 05/09/2012 21:23

Yeah PTA will help

You can both do this.

I'm not naturally at ease either but have found I am now too old to care!

Also DCs are both more outgoing than me. I assumed they would be shy like me but they are not so have had to watch not to put my stuff on them iyswim

mamadoc · 05/09/2012 23:27

DD knew no-one at all when she started in reception last year and now she is just fine and has loads of friends.

DD would never manage to go up to someone and ask to start a game. I think that he did that in itself shows a lot of promise.

Her strategy was to start playing her own game and often others would just drift along and join in if it looked interesting. Maybe that would work.

Some days she told me she played with 'no-one' but as others have said on closer enquiry it was for about 5 mins but it stuck in her head as significant. I just tried to suggest some strategies eg look for someone else on their own, play your own game for a bit

mam29 · 06/09/2012 12:00

when eldest started preschool the 1st few months she used to come home and say mummy i got no freinds. felt awful.
But stated a session realised she did and following terms were fine.

She then went to attached primary well next door and 22 from her preschool out of 45intake went to that school so made it easier but she made new freinds who dident go that preschool.

Last year during year 1 I went to sw next to school and spotted her at break time all by herself. got really upset and worried,

she had become freinds with girl who was quite possesive but fickle.
i told her go find other freinds as the best freind has lost interest.
Or sometimes its not fact they dont want to play with you its they dont want to play that game.

I invited about different people from her class over for tea to widen her social circle.

it sorted itself out. its early days for yours and im sure it will change.

Our reception is phased part time and its few weeks before whole class combines

Flip