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Does anyone actually not want to send their 4yo to school yet?

19 replies

GWenlockMaryLacey · 27/08/2012 00:08

I don't mean in a home educating sort of way. But everyone I speak to is desperate to get their child off to school and I really don't want to. I don't want to give her up yet, I'm not finished spending time with her. We do lots of things together, nothing special but just daily life and I'll miss her.

I know it's selfish, I know she's ready, albeit a little bit scared and clingy. But I don't want her to go and she has to. It makes me very sad and probably pathetic but I can't help it. I am trying to make it sound exciting and fun to her btw.

Ami the only one? I need a hug or a slap Blush

OP posts:
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tribpot · 27/08/2012 00:11

You realise she doesn't have to go? When does she turn 5?

GWenlockMaryLacey · 27/08/2012 00:15

January.

She's ready, once she gets used to it she'll love it, I'm sure of that. It's me that's having the problems Blush

OP posts:
Saracen · 27/08/2012 03:26

(Hug)

Feeling that you aren't finished spending time with your little girl just might be a reflection of the fact that on some level you recognise that she isn't finished spending time with you.

Imagine what people would be telling you if you were posting something similar a few years ago. What if you'd said, "I really don't feel like leaving my baby so I can return to work full-time. I know she'll be fine and have lots of fun at her day nursery and will learn to be independent. But I wish I didn't have to be parted from her. It makes me sad" I expect that people would ask you whether you REALLY needed to return to FT work just yet and whether there was any way you could stay with her longer. Of course, they would also reassure you that if it really is necessary for you to go back to work then your baby would be OK at nursery and that you would get used to it yourself eventually.

Many people say that children's basic needs tend to come into conflict with parents' needs. They'll tell you that at this age particularly it may make you sad to send your child to school but that you need to do it for her good. But I don't think it is so straightforward. I think that parents' natural inclinations often show a deep understanding of what their children really do need.

Nature gave us this bond for a reason. Perhaps if you are dreading your little girl going to school it is not because you are a pathetic mum with nothing else to do with her time. Perhaps it is because you sense that the time is not right for her.

I know a number of people who sent their children to school later than the usual age. Contrary to popular belief, the longer you wait the easier it gets. You become more and more certain that your child will be fine at school, having seen that she can eat her dinner, put on her shoes, cope with minor setbacks without tears, spend many hours without a hug, and speak up confidently when she has a problem. All those concerns which worry the parents of four year olds disappear as they get older. Parents also gradually become more and more accustomed to spending time away from them as they go on more playdates and clubs, walk to the shop alone, potter farther away in the garden. You feel yourself beginning to separate from your child, but it is natural, not sudden, and so it is not painful.

I would have been very upset to send my daughter to school when she was four, though she was outgoing and confident and very sociable. Somehow it just didn't feel good to me. But when she did start school I was so sure that the time was right for her, I kept forgetting which day she was meant to start. I was completely relaxed about it, because I sensed that she was old enough to handle it. It was a small step in her life and mine, not a huge one.

Why now? Why four? Other people are doing it, but is that reason enough?

lljkk · 27/08/2012 04:54

Awww, I did feel like school stole them away after they started.

Now it's my PLB starting & my big struggle is feeling guilty I don't have a job, or my own life!!

I feel it's best socially & emotionally if they start same time as all the rest.
Thread for parents of new starters, where we can all mutually hand hold.

HotheadPaisan · 27/08/2012 06:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wildpoppy · 27/08/2012 06:37

I think it's a natural feelings. Plan your annual leave for her holidays and start planning fun things to do together. Have a half term wish board of things you want to do together and also remember those couple of hours after school when she tells you about her day are the best. X

beatofthedrum · 27/08/2012 06:39

Totally sympathise, def hug not slap needed! It's such an intimate time when they are little and at home and you fill the days together doing fun things. Very hard to accept the rigours of the education system. In Scotland we can choose to wait an extra year if they are young for their year group and I have done that, so will have a 5 year old starting next year (I appreciate this is not possible in England).
No words of wisdom, just understanding! You'll get a new 'normal' and make the most of the time you do have.

Dolallytats · 27/08/2012 06:43

I'll give you a hug too!! I was like this with my daughter (now 19). I used to walk her to school muttering 'Who says I have to send you to school for 5 days, so I only see you for 2-it's not fair!!' right up until she was about 10!!! Now my DS is starting school in a couple of weeks and I feel the sameSad

He will love it though.

Wigeon · 27/08/2012 21:07

I'm not desperate for my 4YO to go to Reception. She is a summer-birthday (June) and it's really funny seeing her younger friends who have September onwards birthdays, and thinking they are going to be at home for almost another year.

She was at pre-school, but only for three half-days a week, which I felt was right for us all.

She is going to be at school for more hours than I am at work (as I work part-time)! Shock. I do wonder if a 4YO really needs to be at school that much. It's easy to say "just keep her at home another year", but in our area, all the primaries are over-subscribed (well, the ones which are any good), and so they would be very unlikely to have a place in Y1 next year if we kept her at home for a year. They used to do staggered intakes, so the summer-born children started in January, but they've stopped that now, so short of home-educating, we really don't have much choice.

I think she will love it though, and I don't think she is, or will be, particularly anxious or anything.

Sympathies!

Saracen · 27/08/2012 21:28

"in our area, all the primaries are over-subscribed (well, the ones which are any good), and so they would be very unlikely to have a place in Y1 next year if we kept her at home for a year. They used to do staggered intakes, so the summer-born children started in January, but they've stopped that now, so short of home-educating, we really don't have much choice."

That is a bind, Wigeon. But you can still send your dd later in the year without risk of losing the place, if you want. Just accept the place and tell them you want to defer her start. In order to do this the child must start school by the end of Reception and also by the time she reaches compulsory school age in the term after her fifth birthday. So in your dd's case that means by the end of Reception. If the LA or school tell you this is not allowed, refer them to the School Admissions Code, which is statutory guidance specifying that they must hold the school place for your child in such a case.

"We don't do staggered intakes" is rather misleading in view of the fact that parents do have the right to start their children later in the year. It does mean that pressure is being put on parents in your area to send all children in September, and therefore your child might be alone in starting later. Some parents think this is a problem while others think it is an advantage.

LaBelleDameSansPatience · 27/08/2012 22:01

Saracen, what you said makes so much sense! I am a teacher and sit in the staff room listening to colleagues disapproving of 'mothers who can't let go' of their four-year olds, while my just-six-year cries every morning because she just wants to stay home. Sad I so wish we lived in a country where children started school at six or seven.

shopofdreams · 27/08/2012 23:35

When my dd started school she had turned 4 only 5 weeks before the start of term so I felt very sad that she was off to school at such a young age.
I too felt cheated of the extra year at home the autumn born children had had and shed some tears on her first day.
However she absolutely loved school and couldn't wait to get into the classroom in the mornings and had a fantastic time.
She was sometimes tired after school but we had plenty of time to be together. I had felt that I was losing her when she started school but it was just a different stage in our lives to get used to.
We have all the after school time, weekends and holidays (which are never too far away) to share and have a great time in.

FoofyShmooffer · 27/08/2012 23:55

Me. I could have written your post Gwen.

Dd only turned 4 last week. I won't weep and wail and make a holy show when she goes but inside I will be. I worry how she'll cope on an emotional level. In some ways she's quite babyish, in others quite canny and grown up. I'm worrying far more with her than I did with DS.

skyebluesapphire · 27/08/2012 23:58

My DD was 4 in March and starts Reception a week on Thursday. I wish there were still two intakes at our school because then she wouldn't start til next January when she would be nearly five.

My neighbours kids, one just turned five but has been at school for a year, the other neighbours kid is six next week. There is 51 weeks between them and they're in the same school year.

DD has been in preschool in the same place as Recrption, (integrated unit) . She's been doing 2.5 days so is used to it, but I think will still get very tired with five full days.

Not at any point have I ever been advised by the school that she doesnt have to start now,

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/08/2012 00:01

Me.

DS1 was only 4 at the end of July. He has just had to start wearing glasses, and today he suddenly broke down sobbing because 'my whole life is changing Mummy!'. :(

He is excited about school, and we have been really positive about it, he can't wait to go - but it is a lot of change and I worry about how he will cope. He is quite babyish, and would happily spend his whole day playing in his own little world.

ifiwasarichwoman · 28/08/2012 00:04

Me - for really complex CP reasons we have had to move the shook from the one we chose and are familiar with (PG and nursery in grounds) and had a huge fight on our hands to put dc in a diff school - the LA and school have been massively unsupportive.

I'm so scared of sending dc - I don't think they are ready - I'm certainly not and I've been secretly sobbing at the thought.

It's all too much.

ifiwasarichwoman · 28/08/2012 00:05

the school not the shook

surprisepotbelly · 28/08/2012 00:17

I felt the same way OP. So I deferred entry until January and then sent part time for the rest of the year. I could have deferred until April but I was happy with part time.

The school said I was the only one to ask and they were perfectly happy with me doing this. The head said she also felt four was young to send children to school (!) particularly if there was a SAHM who was available and very eager to spend time with the children.

It was absolutely great. I have no regrets at all. It took no time at all to settle in January. If I could not have arranged part time attendance I would have deferred until April. If you feel this way and you can arrange to spend the time with your child then DO IT. Deferral is your legal right. Or perhaps ask the school if your child can go part time for the first one or two terms instead (and if they say no defer instead).

Mcnorton · 28/08/2012 13:14

I'm having trouble with this one too! Glad it's not just me. My son is 4 tomorrow and is off to school on the 10th - 5 weeks of part-time, then full-time. I feel it's very young and 4 year olds don't NEED to start schooling. His nursery, where he goes part-time, feel he's ready. I expect they're right, it's just comforting to me to know that when I'm at work he is either with his dad or at nursery where there are staff we know, who are lovely and give the kids cuddles (so yes, this is more about me than him). We thought long and hard about whether to defer until January but decided in the end not to, as he is shy about making friends anyway, so didn't want him to come in late after others had already made friends. As far as I know there aren't any late starters in his class. Plus if he starts now he will be with a few friends from nursery. Whatever choice we made there would be pros and cons I suppose. The main con so far is finding tiny person uniform! Fingers crossed....

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