What to do about dd's precocious friend?

[LettyAshton]

Dd (9 next week) has just had her new friend who will be in her class next year to a sleepover. Frankly I'm not at all happy. This girl is 9 going on 15. Every time I overheard a bit of their conversation this girl was talking about boys. And not in an innocent way either. "Oh, so-and-so - he's a perve." And "I'd like to tongue kiss with x"

Dd seems rather star-struck by this girl who is almost a year older than she is. She has started to copy her mannerisms and do that shaking of shoulders with accompanying back-chat sort of thing.

I know dcs must be allowed to make and break their own friendships, but I feel quite depressed about this and wonder what I can do short of withdrawing her from school and hiding in a cave (not an option, btw!).

Urgh, that sounds awful - you have my sympathies! No real advice to offer I'm afraid, my DC are still a bit younger though I do dread this happening in years to come. I guess try to limit the time she spends with this girl outside school and when they're together so stuff with them (activities etc if they're not grown-up for all that). Hopefully someone will come along shortly with some more constructive advice

I'd have it out with my daughter if it was me.

Sit her down and let her know exactly what the girl is talking about if she's unsure (ie explain french kissing_) but make sure that you give your ethos too, its' for when your older / married, its' unnessecary and inappropriate for younger girls to be bothered about, go on to tell your girl that the new girl isn't cool, is probably showing off to try and impress etc, feel free to get your point across even if it is that your not too keen on this new girl, chances are that your daughter will have picked up that vibe anyway, better to have a good natter about it.

At 9 she still needs guidence is choosing who to spend time with, what to take at face value and what not to be impressed by.

My DD made friends with an older girl at the start of Y5 and suddenly started being very interested in boys, fashion and make up.I was a bit shocked.
I have in the past worked in a school and I think most parents would be horrified at what their children talk about in the playground!!

I have a 9 year old dd and I'm not a fan if one of her friends too.
I can't stop dd hanging out with her at school but I invite other girls in the group round our house instead. Not surprisingly, other mums in the group seem to be doing the same...

Agree with rosemary but I would also try and 'manage' the times she's available to see this new friend after school and so on. It might not be possible completely, but you could limit it a bit. The firendship might well die its own death anyway. We're talking 9 year old girls, after all. I've lost count of the number of 'best friends' my dd has had since then.

I sympathise. Good luck.

Hi - exTA (male) here -

Children do pick up this sort of talk from TV, music and other media, and I very much regret that it has become common in the modern world.

I used to work in an Infant school, and once had a Reception class boy proudly announce:
"I can spell S-E-X !"

One hot summer's day ( remember them? ) children were lying on the playground as it was too hot to run around. A Reception boy and girl were lying together, and as I walked by he said to me : I'm sexing her!

As with other things that annoy/worry/upset you about a child's behaviour, try not to over-react, but when a suitable opportunity presents itself discuss it with her.

All talk of "relationships" was banned in DDs Y6 class the teacher and TA got fed up of them all falling out.

I'm afraid they do like pretending to be grown up. I'm not sure there is much you can do about it.

So the friend is almost 10, they are starting yr5?

Sadly some of them do get into boys that young, it is normal spectrum, though I wouldn't be thrilled by it, either.
DD had a friend who was boy obsessed, they fell out suddenly recently, now starting y6. DD was never swayed by the boy thing. Fashion yes, friend was big influence in clothes, but DD has 3 brothers & nothing friend said could persuade her to be that interested in yet more boys.

I only have kids in my house who I like and who I think are nice friends for my kids. Controlling - probably - and I would never say to my kids that they shouldn't be friends with anyone at school, but until they are old enough to be going out independently I have a chance to encourage positive friendships.

I sympathise, I am dreading this. At the moment my nearly 8 year old is very young for her age, still likes playing a lot.

Personally, I am happy for that, but a lot of parents are encouraging their children to grow up far too quickly, we had an invite to a 6th birthday that was a 'makeover' party 'no boys allowed'. It consisted of being made up, having tatoos applied (dd frankly refused one!) and dancing competitions. It just seemed all a bit old for 6!

Luckily dd isn't in to this.

I would suggest you have a chat about it and maybe engineer some other friendships too, hopefully when they go back to school things will change anyway.