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Primary education

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Original poster

school say ds needs a caf

7 replies

wild · 13/07/2012 18:01

There have been some behavioural incidents at school. Home is not too great either. They think he's upset and there's some deeper issue. I'm not all that sure. They;ve given him a card system to use, he has to show a card when he needs time to cool down. He brings it home and so far this evenign he has picked a fight with his sister, refused to get changed called me a fat idiot and thrown the card at me when I have attempted to tell him off. He says I should buy him stuff when he doesn't behave badly. I can see where school is coming from but since they have talked to him things seem to be getting worse at home and I don't know how to handle it anymore. He says one of the reasons he is upset is taht I am always cross with him and don't love him. I do tell him off. Sometimes I shout. I left his father some years ago and though we are amicable co parents, distance means that time with his dad is limited. I am wondering if the separation issues could be affecting him now (when life is more stable than it has been for ages). I don't know what to think and I am at the end of my tether, I am willing to try anything including the card system but the behaviour seems to be getting worse not better.

OP posts:
wrathomum · 13/07/2012 19:53

Try to overlook small misdemeanours and praise him whenever possible.

EBDTeacher · 13/07/2012 19:57

It does sound like he has some emotional stuff going on. You will bear the brunt of that because you are his trusted figure. The 'you don't love me' is probably just a test to make sure you do. Remeber you ARE loving him by gining him what he needs, which is not necessarily what he wants.

The caf will probably be aimed at a referal to CAMHS and, although it is not a great service, they will hopefully be able to give you some advice and possibly work with your DS.

tdm · 13/07/2012 21:12

Depends where you are, EBDTeacher, some CAMHS services are great.

Original poster
wild · 13/07/2012 23:49

thanks for the replies
I do try to praise, I know the theory (I work with children ironically) it is sometimes hard to find a positive when he is pushing boundaries constantly including picking fights with dd. The whole thing is draining and upsetting and I don't handle it as well as I should (or would if it was a work situation).
The main change this year has been that I have been working long hours and therefore spending less time with him. In a way I'm worried about re-opening the whole can of worms that was a very difficult break up with ex in search of a psychological motive for ds current behaviour. He has had to deal with some tough issues but things are just beginning to look brighter for us - I don't get it.

OP posts:
EBDTeacher · 14/07/2012 09:47

Really? Ours is overstretched, obsessed with diagnosing ASD and ONLY works with children in-clinic which is useless. It seems pretty typical.

Sorry OP- not intending to divert your thread into the merits, or otherwise, of CAMHS.

fatfloosie · 14/07/2012 09:50

Is it like when you cry when the worst is over and you feel like you can let go a bit and not just concentrate on getting through it somehow? Is this perhaps a positive in that he was smart enough and brave enough to hold it in when things were really bad and now things are better he can relax a bit and show his feelings?

You've said he's getting less time with you but is he also not getting enough one-on-one time with his dad? I'm guessing the children go to their father together so he might not get much dad-time to himself.

Is he feeling a little outnumbered in an otherwise female household? My DP was much happier when we got a male cat for company for him. He is now trying to talk me into a dog as well . . .

I found an extract in the paper from 'Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting' really helpful. Regarding descriptive praise it suggested you start with 'I notice(d)'. Since then I have found it much easier to praise tiny good things or not-quite-as-bad-as-it-usually-is things eg 'I noticed it was a whole 5 minutes then before I had to tell you not to get up from the table'.

I'm sure he will turn out fine. I have had my daughter much later than all my friends and all their children, who I thought were unspeakable at times, have turned out fine . . . and now mine is the unspeakable one . . .

All above offered from a position of no expertise or experience just a desire to help in anyway because you sound lovely Smile

Oh and I shout too. Lots. And DD is only 4 Shock

Original poster
wild · 14/07/2012 21:06

ebdt i've no objection to discussion of camhs, all views welcome!
ff what a supportive post, you really cheered me up. Feeling a bit better today, we saw his dad and I mentioned the issues to him. Ex can see where I'm coming from with the card strategy ie ds is bright enough to fling a 'tantrum card' as suits and it isn't all that healthy for him, I reckon he needs the adults to be in control
ex is going to have dc for extra time and also getting ds a mobile to contact him one to one when stuff is bothering him
you are right that ds has little one to one time with his dad, dc only see him once a fortnight for a few hours. We'd love a dog too! but not here enough at the moment I've said when ds is a little bit older we'll get one and he can walk it after school.
I'll go ahead with the caf meeting, it can't hurt can it. I am clearer in my ideas now and feeling a little less defensive! 'I have noticed that' he hasn't called me a fat idiot today, anyway lol

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