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Why are girls so mean to each other?

45 replies

Cinderella123 · 11/07/2012 12:45

Hi this is my first ever post, but feeling the need to rant; Why are girls so bitchy and mean to each other inparticularly in year 5/6. There seems to be so much jealousy, favouritism and leaving each other out and every day there seems to be another niggly issue.
Do any of you have problems with this age or is it just my DD's school? Please tell me I'm not alone :-( I find it so depressing.

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Bunbaker · 11/07/2012 17:14

And why is it that the meanest girls are the most charismatic?

Fortunately at DD's school the girl that was really nasty to DD got stopped in her tracks by the year 7 learning mentor. She realised that DD was timid and shy and the nasty girl was devious and manipulative without needing to be told, and told me that she had been expecting this sort of trouble sooner or later. The nasty girl tripped over her own lies and was told well and truly that her nasty behaviour had to stop or else.

I am so thankful that this lady has been looking out for DD ever since.

FiveHoursSleep · 11/07/2012 17:23

I've read Queen Bees and also Odd Girl Out on this topic. OGO is more academic but gives more advice I think.
It's basically down to the face that society as a whole encourages girls to be 'good and nice', and not express negative emotions. So they use what we call bitchy behaviour to express their feelings.
If we can teach our girls to be more up front about their feelings, there will be less bitchiness. Also talk to them about what makes a good friend, and listen to them when they want to talk about their friendship problems.

SkiBumMum · 11/07/2012 17:28

Don't! I have two DDs....

DD1 has already been at the rough end of the "best friend" stuff and she's not quite 3 1/2! It's awful to think how much worse it will get. She is also being "commented on" as she wears shorts and t shirt not dresses to nursery. FFS. Angry

FiveHoursSleep · 11/07/2012 17:29

The fact that the 'nicest' girls to adults are usually the nastiest girls for other girls to get on the wrong side is proof to my mind that this theory is correct. They have learnt to play the nice game very well. I prefer my girls' friends if they are not too smarmy and well behaved.

AngelEyes46 · 11/07/2012 17:43

My dd is in a 1-form entry so 15 girls. There is a group of about 8 girls (which my dd is in) who are called the 'elite' by the other dd's mums. I didn't know this until about 6 weeks ago when 1 of the mum's told me - I was really shocked as to how the class is so divisive. There is also one particular girl that is completely left out - I get on really well with her parents. I explain to my dd that it's nice to include everyone in games etc but it's hard for her to go against the grain. She is also bf with the most 'popular' girl. Obviously it's nice if your dc gets on with their class mates but it is sad that some children are not enjoying their school years.

LittenTree · 11/07/2012 18:13

Yes, it would appear to be a fact that teachers do seem to be 'drawn' to some of these DCs- I guess they're not immune to their charisma. I recall an Australian research project where DC were anonymously asked to name the biggest bully in their class, in their opinion. Their teachers when then asked, also anon. to name the DC they liked most. The correlation was frightening...

I'm very glad that we appear to have moved somewhat away from what was a very popular theory not so long ago, that all bullies needed kindness, support and understanding, that they were all vulnerable. The reason they bullied was because no one understood them, see. Now, there's no doubt that there must be some DC who exhibit 'alpha', domineering, controlling and manipulative behaviour because they're 'compensating' for other stuff... but imho, the vast majority are just little shits who need a ! slap! They make their victim's lives hell, and even DC who might try and be supportive of the victim are scared to do so in case they, too, get labelled.

Interestingly, at work, I am 'superior' to two slightly younger women who treat me with the -ahem- deference and respect my position 'demands' Grin. I absolutely know both would have been Queen Bee bullies at school, they radiate it even now. Both good looking, popular with the boys but with Ph.Ds in the catty remark, the sly put down, the scuttle-butt-mongering. I find them mid gossip behind semi-closed doors all the time. I am so glad I am in the position I am in BUT I absolutely do and will put them in their place when needed. I will not tolerate that behaviour, but then, these are allegedly grown women!!

DontEatTheVolesKids · 11/07/2012 18:35

DD is not that nice, too feisty & blnt if anything like her mother. Wink
Today's update: ex-BFFs did nothing worse than scowl at her. Sudden realisation that 3 boys in her class like her. Only one of them is less than repulsive. Still agreeing best not to be in same class as ex-BFFs for y6.

DontEatTheVolesKids · 11/07/2012 18:36

(sigh) BLUNT even

Peaksandtroughs · 11/07/2012 18:39

My DD is in year six, has had the same friends since nursery and has not really had any problems with friendship in primary school. Her friends are two girls and one boy. They have always got on well and never really had any fallings out.

Reading this thread has made me worry a bit about starting secondary school, but I am hoping that she maintains good friendships there. The girls are all going to the same school and will be in the same class. I hope that while making new friends, the three of them remain friends for life. There were a few mean people when I was at secondary school but most were pleasant. I think it must sour the experience of school if a lot of falling out goes on.

treadonthecracks · 11/07/2012 20:36

I have a DD 7 - yr 2. It's not too bad for us yet in her friendship group.

I am also a dinner lady/TA at another school. I do see this happening in the playground and I always try to tackle it, even though there is no easy solution.

I'd be genuinely interested in any ideas on what you think the school should do?

How do you think I should handle it in the playground? I am open to all ideas (except banging heads together - as tempting as that is Grin).

wellilikemythinking · 11/07/2012 21:12

My DD is in yr 3 and she is getting alot of this at the moment. I have tried to equip her the best I can to deal with it and she has come on leaps and bounds as she would always shout in retaliation so drawing the play time assistants attention then she would get wrong and the others all would acquire that butter would'nt melt look! It drove me to distraction and then she appeared to be labelled as the trouble maker and always getting wrong without being allowed to speak up (another thread sorry!!!!). Her new teacher noticed this and has worked to change her reaction which is great but the others havent changed much. Although teacher maintains she is very popular I am not sure what is going on, I have my suspicions about a particular queen bee but I am moving said DD schools for sept so if we can just get through the last couple weeks unscathed I will be grateful

wellilikemythinking · 11/07/2012 21:14

On another note I have an older son, who appears to have sailed through primary school. The boys seems to change friends based on who is interested in the same things as them at that given time, this doesnt seem to work for girls as they seem to take it personally.

MumPotNoodle · 11/07/2012 21:23

As awful as it sounds, get a copy of The Big Fat Bitch Book by Kate Figes. Actually quotes MN threads, so can't be all that bad. Despite the title it is a very good book about bitching/cliques , reasoning behind it and how to deal with it.

ConfusedMummy1 · 12/07/2012 09:43

Do you think all this behaviour is worse in girls schools? I've heard opinions on this.

ariadne1 · 12/07/2012 18:43

i have 2 boys and 2 girls and girls are a billion times worse for this sort of thing.
Always bear in mind though there are 2 sides to every story

Bunbaker · 12/07/2012 18:48

I have had DD in tears today because she has invited a few girls round for her birthday. Today most of them don't seem to be talking to her and a couple have pulled out. DD doesn't have a wide circle of friends and was really upset.

I wish I could make things better for her. The problem is she is too timid to brave it out and sinks further back into her shell and thus reduces her small circle of friends even more.

Elibean · 12/07/2012 18:58

Every time I read threads like this I thank my lucky stars that so far dd1's class has pretty much no bitchiness (Y3). I SO hope it stays that way.

Just wanted to post to say the Y5 girls in dd's school have just had a bout of this - picking on each other, envy, etc and its so sad for those affected. Luckily they talked to their mums, who talked to the Head, who intervened before it turned to all out bullying - and its all got better. For now.

I think its hugely common Sad

throckenholt · 12/07/2012 19:01

I remember it from when I was that age. All "I'm not friends with you because you are friends with her". No idea why they do it - but it is one of the reasons I am grateful I have boys.

Our school had a big problem with the girls in that age group in the last couple of years.

hoolahoolagirl · 12/07/2012 19:32

Its so sad, they usually fall out for the most ridiculous reasons, at my dd2's school these lovely intelligent girls end up behaving like toddlers :- whispering, talking about each other behind their backs, passing messages and giving daggers and going off in groups....all because one of them may have chosen to sit next to someone different on that day. Sometimes I think they behaved better towards each other in reception.

perceptionreality · 12/07/2012 19:50

My dd has had this in year 3 this year.

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