Meeting with Head - advice needed

[Goldenbear]

Last week my DS found out what class he will be in for YR 1. The day he found out, I picked him up from school and he was looking forlorn. It transpired that his two very good friends, one in particular regularly comes to ours for play dates had been put together in a different class alongside a third friend that he also plays with regularly.

I was completely bemused as to how they came to the decision to not put him in the same class as his good friends. There is no obvious reason why they have not considered my DS to accompany his 'best friend'. They are not disruptive together, indeed the friendship has helped my DS with his confidence at school, particularly in the playground where he would often feel overwhelmed. DS is the 2nd youngest in the class and his friend is the oldest and this has been beneKficial in every area.

In contrast, a boy that will be in his new class is currently a very domineering and competitive character that believes my DS is his 'best friend'. This child is ok but will literally make everything into a competition and is quite aggressive at the start of his competitions. Only today he pulled Ds to the ground to get a head start on a race DS didn't know he was in!

I wrote an email to the school, requesting that they reconsider the situation. The Head has now contacted me and wants to meet me to discuss the problem. His current teacher will also be present.

I was earwigging tonight at home time as another parent was discussing the transition policy, which is to mix the classes up for year 1 and how if you complain to the Head (she has an older daughter) he is dismissive and takes the attitude that if you don't like it then you should send your child to a different school!

Anyway, forewarned is forearmed so I was researching the school policies tonight and ethos. It clearly says that the childrens' happiness is their priority and that they will ask the child in Reception to choose 3 people they would like to be in a yr 1 class with. I asked my DS if this had happened. He said that it hadn't but the boy mentioned above (who is competitive) did do this and it seems that the boys from DS's class that will be in his year 1 class were chosen soley by this boy!

If anyone has an advice as to what to bring up in this meeting in an effort to persuade the school to change my DS's year 1 class I'd be really grateful?

I will start by saying whatever you say, voice etc... nothing will change full stop.

I have learned that teachers know our children better than we do at school and know who to put them with and who not to. Trust their decision.

By all means go to the meeting and let them explain their choices but they will use "standard lines".

Can I say though this will put your child in very good stead for the future as it will happen throughout your childs school life...Ive come to terms with this now and my DD has also and this year it didnt phase her one bit as she was used to it. Her friends however who have been together since reception (now Year 3) are besides themselves

Trust your teacher she really does know best

I agree, it is probably unlikely that the classes will be changed, but understanding how and why the school made the choices may help. Are the classess full? What our parents don't realise is that we spend hours and hours balancing classes and as we are full if we move one child in to class A we have to move one out. You can imagine how that aould go do with the other parent. We ask for the names of three friends and make sure the child is with at least one, so moving just one or two children can collapse the whole set up, leaving other children without one of their named friends and we need to start from scratch all over again.

This is one of the reasons I'm so keen on sending my daughters to school and not HEdding them. Because, in life, you so often come across instances where the powers that be choose a policy that you disagree with and life is about learning to deal with it. (You can become a power that bes yourself, but only for a limited period. ) And after your powerful period you're still subjected to the system, just like everybody else. For me, this is the greatest lesson of school, not the lessons themselves.

I would trust the teacher's decision more but what worries me is that the one boy that I described as competitive was asked to choose 3 good friends he would like to have in his year one class. The boys he chose including my DS are listed as being in his new year one class. Ds was not asked at all.

Golden, if this is true, then you have a case.

But don't forget that a 6 year old schoolboy, does not a good witness make.

Perhaps the competitive boy listed his three favourite victims.

perhaps they were testing him? Also dont forget they will split them into groups within the class - voice your concerns and ask for yr child not to be buddied up with...they will already know the character of this child but be aware they will not use names or show that they know if that makes sense...

really dont be worried your child will thrive you watch :)

You say there is "no obvious reason" why his best friend are not placed together, but there may well be very good reasons. How children interact in school is often very different to how they behave out of school. Myabe the other child's mum asked for them to be seperated?

Was it just the "competitive" boy who was asked, or everyone except your son? I would open the discussion with a question (maybe phrased a little less confrontationally) about that. If your child was missed out, how did that happen? Also bear in mind a child's perception of what has happened sometimes is a little different to what actually happened. Our school asks the children for three friends; some children get lucky and get all three, others get just one as it is all part of a huge jigsaw.

teachers know our children better than we do at school and know who to put them with and who not to. Trust their decision.

Not always the case - probably 95% of the time they'll get it right.

My own dd had to have a Yr2 class split and was separated from all the girls she liked and left with a girl who she argued with all the time. The only reason dh and I could see for this was that it benefitted the school and the other girl.

This year dd is moving to her secondary school and the primary actually asked for dd and the girl they had paired her with for the last 3 years to be put in separate classes because they bicker the entire time.

Goldenbear the school will not make any changes - no school ever does in these situations. However, just because they say they know best doesn't mean that they do

I do appreciate that the process takes a long time but to me part if that process is communicating that clearly to parents I.e the policy is followed, in this case the 'transition policy' on the school website. Otherwise, there is no understanding as to how these decisions are arrived at and you are going to open yourself up to scrutiny.

Although it sometimes feel we have a policy or everything, even breathing certainly we don't have a written policy for things like this. Our transition policy is about teaching approaches, curriculum and assessment, rather how we decide child x is better with teacher A, but not with pupil z.

Just to add we had a very similar experience when our daughter was moving up to YR 1. Her two closest friends were put together and dd was separated and put with children she hadn't particularly made friends with in reception. We wrote to the head and she wrote back and agreed under the circumstances (and she had never allowed it before) and changed dd into the other class.

I do however think this was because dd earlier in the year had been picked on by another girl which resulted in her being pushed off a balance beam, hitting her head, me not being informed (happened to be on a Friday), during that night dd waking up being very confused and being sick, the following morning dd telling us what had happened and us ending up in a&e with her as she had concussion (but that's a whole other thread) and they had put her with this child. I honestly dont think they would have allowed her to change classes if that incident hadn't of happened though.

Abigail, I received my DS's report yesterday and they have listed his strong friendships- the list begins with his best friend's name and then is proceeded by the other 2 good friends. The mother of his best friend stopped me in the way to school to ask about it she said her son was disappointed and said I should complain. She could've been acting I suppose but I'm really not sure. In the recent past she has asked to take my DS with her son to a theatre performance at the weekend. I personally don't think that is a sign of someone who would've requested they get split.

Equally, the report I received yesterday was nothing but praise in regard to DS's behaviour, 'lovely to teach', 'great listener'. He is known as 'happy ....' in the class as the class think he is always smiling.

With regard to the competitive friend I specifically asked the teacher to keep an eye on them together as he frequently makes out my son is a 'looser' as he never wins these races that this boy will create on the spot! I even told the teacher that outside of school this child started a physical fight with my DS, rolling around on the floor with him because my DS would not back down about been beaten in another made up race. I'm concerned that the mum of this boy has put in a request for them to be together as she thinks they're good friends.

Now I realise I must have exceptionally lovely head but I went to see him after my youngest was split from his friends and kept 'down' with half his year in class one. (Small school). I worried this meant he was lower achieving. He went through his results with me, said they had ummed and ahhed because he was achieving but less confident, and then offered to put him up and take last space in class above if we wanted. In the end we declined, because he demonstrated that they'd thought it through really carefully and I trusted them. So communication really is everything!

Learnandsay, I agree with their policy, 'choose 3 friends and be put into a class with at least one of them.' but they have not followed it.

If that is what they have agreed would happen (in writing), then that would be the best starting point for your discussion with the head. Why was my child not consulted in this? Rather than what other parents have told you or why X has got what they wanted. Good luck.

They did the " writing down the names of your 5 best friends " in my DS's school to decide the classes for year 2.

My DS has a boy in his class who sounds just like the child you mentioned. Every problem we have had at school has involved this boy who is now on a behaviour improvement plan ( nice enough boy , just needs to calm down a bit).He also wants to be best friends with my DS.

Over the two years he has put my DS in a litter bin ,given him a rope burn around his neck with a skipping rope, torn his coat by pulling the hood back to pull my DS to the floor plus numerous other "offences".

Anyway , I was horrified when my DS told me had put this child in his list of best friends!

A quick chat with the teacher reassured me that she would not put them in the same class.