YR1 friendship dramas

[mrskenyon]

DS yr1 is having such problems making friends, he has had afew but they all seem to blow hot and cold on him, one minute being kind, playing, coming for tea, the next, telling him to go away, not returning the invites, being mean.

My DS is such a nice boy (I think!), I just wish he could find one consistent friend in his class. Why is that so hard? Why aren't the children kinder to each other? and it is a really nice school!

He does other activities etc, and is generally okayish, abi downbeat, could be happier. How can I help him with friendships?

tbh the hot and cold and playing with someone one day and not the next pretty much goes with the age group. My DS flitted round lots of different friendship groups at this age and constantly seemed to be falling out with one friend or other. I think the most concrete things you can do to build friendships is to have children round to tea - if they are not reciprocated, this is surely more down to the parents that the child?

thanks for your reply,
yes I sort of figured that its te parents who should invite DS back, so why arent they?!!!
we've been really tying the playdate route but most haven't invited him back!
it fels abit strange to invite someone a second time, when he hasn't gone to theirs and we are fast runnng out of options!
it seems a nice school, good results etc, but the ther children in his class dont seem that nice! or maybe its actually us who aren't nice?
I just want him to feel safe and loved.

You may find that some of the parents struggle when inviting back. For my ds it's very difficult to invite back as his dsis are at a junior school (which the infant feeds into) about 20 minute walk away-then about 30-40 minutes walk back. I can drive, but parking is dreadful. When you've got 2 exciting children ready to play then spending the first hour basically picking up dsis then it's rather boring for them.

Then with after school clubs etc. it reduces down to only two days that I can invite a friend back and have a reasonable time for playing. If you can't make those two days then not much we can do.

THanks for your insights, DeWe, its sometimes hard to remember that we all have different things to balance and work out. I'mjust sad for DS (and tbh a little hurt) that it has happened quite afew times. Feel abit unloved! Just want DS to have buddies to play with at break time and lunch time - surely it shouldnt be rocket science! He's not a total monster!

I would invite again - no need to do the my turn, your turn thing if you are happy to have your ds friend again. In fact, it makes it easier if you just invite whenever you want to and don't expect a return invite.

It is difficult having other children back - I have two plus work and I only pick up one day and take ds to football and dd has art club so to have another child wouldn't be ideal but I often have friends at weekends.

I am definately in debit with most of my children's friends mums with regards play datres but they are mostly sahm's and have more free afternoons.

Don;t take it personally and invite the child again

mrskenyon:

I think you have to go with the flow a bit at this age. Remember that your DS will be playing with 5YO - 6YO children and that there can be a huge range in social skills. Some children still just play alongside each other in Y1 and totally live in the moment - thus appearing to blow hot and cold.

It's the gradual accumulation of experiences that makes friendships. Yes, you've had 2 years in school, but you'll see that really it's Y2 when the pecking order and groups start to solidfy (in my experience obviously so post Easter).

If you can, I'd strongly suggest after school clubs for your DS - sports, swimming, cub scouts/ beavers, whatever - that will help him be part of 'the group' and form strong friendships ultimately.

Hosting a birthday party means that reciprocal invitations will be likely. It really is a great idea - especially if you're busy (with work/ other children). We've had cheap and cheerful parties friends have thrown in the park - setting up all sorts of Olympic theme games, a friend hiring a swimming pool and hosting a joint party with us so all the class could come to an absolutely extraordinary laser gun party [which was high end cost/ but fab by all accounts] a friend hosted by way of thanking many of us for play dates she couldn't reciprocate because the elder DC is a talented athlete and always training after school.

Birthday parties have always seemed to me to be socially hugely important to children in KS1 at least. I would recommend finding out who has a birthday close to your son and considering going in for a mega party together and sharing costs between you - but then inviting the whole class. It includes everybody, makes everybody feel they're friends and the kids have a great time together away from the normal day to day of school.

Finally - and I know this is hard - you can only foster friendships in terms of supporting participation in clubs/ groups, birthday parties and play dates. Who he makes friends with and how easy it is for him to make friends is ultimately down to your DS. You can't make friends for him - it has to be down to him.

OP this could be my DS, with the added complication that it's very hard for us to invite after school as we run our business from home, so until 5.30 our house is an office/recording studio not conducive to noisy boys!

We do have set days when we can invite, still doesn't get reciprocated all the time, another issue is that DS moved schools in Jan and whilst it looks like he's settled in at school, there are q strong friendship groups made in reception that he's missed out on....
Really no advice I can offer, just that I totally emapathise with where you're at.