Social problems for my 5 yr old DS

[Sopster]

Hi all,

My DS is 5.7. Today I was asked to go and see the headmistress at his school after he 'exposed' himself during a game in the playground. Despite being utterly mortified (though my mum tells me that I showed the boys my knickers at school at about the same age!) the headmistress was very kind about it and told me it certainly wasn't the first time this has happened in reception nor will it be the last. However she said she is concerned about his reaction to being told off. He was v indifferent, showed little emotion (though was physically shaking) and when she finished talking to him just said 'ok, bye' and walked off. He has been told off for minor incidents in class before and his teachers have expressed the same concern that he really isn't bothered. When I tell him off (which is rare as he is a pretty easy child at home) he also shows little emotion and seems to care little about what punishments are enforced. He has never been particularly cuddly or affectionate but he has a 2year old sister who he adores and plays beautifully with. When he goes to friends houses they always say he's been a pleasure to have. Whilst the teacher was v kind and stressed they are not labelling him anyway she said they will be monitoring him closely and making sure his Year 1 teacher is aware of their concerns (which are that it may just be how he deals with being told off or they may be some kind of developmental delay/problem). She said academically he is doing well. I know he is a very good reader as I read with the whole class so am aware of where he is (level 7, turquoise)but don't know much about where he is with numbers etc...

Anyway, sorry to ramble but my question to you all is has anyone else been through anything similar and how has it panned out?

I hasten to add we have had a chat tonight about where and when it's appropriate to get your willy out!!

I thought I'd bump this up for you and hope you get more response. I would have thought every child deals with being told off in a different way. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I think there are different levels of remorse in people generally, including children, understandably. Since the abandonment of corporal punishment there's often no real fear in youngsters of all ages that anybody can do anything to them of which they need to be afraid. The worst anyone can do to them is talk and talk is easily ignored. Slowly practice in many areas is coming round to the idea that miscreants of all ages, including adults, should meet their victims and both explain why they have transgressed and listen to what affect their behaviour has had on the victim. Anecdotally it appears that this process is having great success. From what I've heard fairly young children do get genuinely upset when they have to explain what they've done and why they have done it and listen to a parent explaining to them why what they have done is wrong. (That's subtly different from simply being told off.)

In the case of a young child exposing themselves it's probably a bit difficult to go through this process because it's hard to see what harm has actually been done. If a child has broken or stolen something or hurt somebody the wrong is plain to see. But breaking social customs, like wearing clothes, is a harder one to demonstrate what deleterious affect has been brought about. So, in some ways I can see why a child might not be interested in an adult's complaint.

I think in both cases I meant effect, not affect.

My brother used to giggle (with nerves) when getting told off by teachers - cor it used to make them even crosser.
My DD is shy, and she would be so mortified to be told off by the head (especially if it was something like showing her knickers) that I think she would behave much like your DS.
It perhaps seems like indifference to adults.

The school have a lot of experience with children and they're simply keeping an eye on him it doesn't sound like they're going overboard.

Are they thinking there is something odd about his reaction?

sounds quite mature to me, not bursting into tears, not be rude and back answering - not really sure why school are concerned - perhaps he is just quite grown-up and has high levels of self-control for his age.
Isn't this how we'd expect say a child of 9 to respond ?

Possibly his reading indicates rather a bright all-rounder - both socially and academically ?

Doesn't sound odd to me :/ children of that age deal with things in their own way. A few years ago when my son was at preschool his teacher approached me with a similar thing, my son had broken a toy and she also was concerned about his reaction, apparently he went and admitted to her that he had broken it and she saw this as a cause for concern as she said most children wouldn't admit that they hadn't broken it

Thanks all. That's really reassuring. Sometimes I think he can be quite grown up (incidents like getting willy out in playground excepted!). I also think if I was being told off I would try and front it out rather than show how I really feel!

Thanks also to chuckeyegg for 'bumping me up' so I got some responses! X