Teachers/Parents dealing with children with ADHD - what works?

[LikeAGherkin]

My DS is 7, and I have long suspected he has ADHD. He ticks all the boxes for the hyperactivity/poor impulse control aspects of it, although can sustain attention. I am unsure that seking a formal diagnosis and a label will actually help him, as oppose to stigmatise him. However, as he gets older and these behaviours are not improving (well, perhaps a little), and I can no longer hope that his behaviours are 'immaturity', what can I do to help him?

I am wondering what strategies work, in the classroom and outside, to help children with these behaviours learn to control themselves more?

I have found that gving him some control is good for managing outbursts, but he will still kick off about seemingly minor things, and this will includde getting very angry and hitting/pushing (often me, but others too). His play is also very physical, he is always running, jumping and climbing over things and he gets carried away with play fighting. He finds 'carpet time' tricky - having to sit still, and being asked questions and then being told off for calling out etc. He is quite emotional about things too - really hates to be told off, yet given that he will often either quietly, or loudly, not comply with instructions, means that he does get told off quite a bit...

So, what can I do/learn to help him help himself?

Does the school see it as a concern, or is it behaviour only shown at home?

Behaviour is worse at home, and at football (where he has been threatened with 'suspension' for not being able to behave) and other sports. One coach asked us if he had a diagnosis. My dad (an ex-teacher) also asked if we had taken him 'to see anyone' about his behaviour.

School - he is pegged as 'naughty' and 'silly', which is partly attributed to his being the youngest boy in the class. He does get sent to the HT every so often for games that get out of hand. He loses golden time most weeks. On school trips he tends to be put with the teacher or TA rather than a parent.

He is seeing the school counsellor because he has talked about harming himself 'because I'm a bad boy' and because he has poor self steem (because he gets told off a lot (school and home)). However, the class has several tricky kids in it, and so attention isn't just focussed on his behaviour, which might stand out more in a different, less tricky class. School acknowlege he attention seeks and finds it hard to behave, but tbh, while he is a pain there, he is at his worst at home (or out in public lol!).

When he is calm, he is lovely, can be sensible, is kind and thoughtful. However, for about 50% of the time he seems not to be able to control his energy/anger/frustration, which frankly is exhausting. I had hoped that by 7, we would be nearing the end of this 'phase', but it just doesn't seem to be happening...

have you spoken to your GP?

IME
Exercise
Routine (ds was always a nightmare in the holidays when he lost all his routine of going to school, then cubs, swimming, etc.)
Getting out the house every day (in holidays, etc.)
Finding the right exercise ..... something like football might not be best due to the team discipline and getting on with others... something like swimming or trampolining or running where it's more of an individual sport mean energy can be channelled without the difficulties of fitting in with everyone else.
Positively seeking out an praising the 'good bits'... "Catch them being good" every day
Go in and tuck him in, once he's asleep - it helps remind you how lovely he is on the most difficult of days
Let them know that you acknowledge it is more difficult for them to {insert sit and listen / not call out / etc/.etc./} but that having ADHD doesn't excuse you from following the rules / behaving, it just means you have to work harder at it.
Give him choices / options whenever you can rather than stating facts. eg, from when really tiny, no point in saying to my ds "It's time for bed now" - he just feels "told" and kicks off, but if you said "Time for bed, do you want to walk up or have a carry ?", the message is still the same, but he has some control over what he did.
Give him a 'back door' or some kind of exit strategy from confrontation when he is able to accept what you are saying without "being seen" to back down.
Understand he is the child, not you - it doesn't matter if he thinks he has had the 'last word' if he has accepted he needs to do what you ask him.
Send him to an active Beaver Colony, then Cub Pack, then Scout Troop - uses up lots of energy and teaches him loads of skills (social as well as traditional scouting). Gets him out in the outdoors on a regular basis on those days when you don't have the energy.
Accept, there will be days when it is a nightmare, and you will end up in tears, but remember the lovely lad inside that you know so well.

HTH x

I am unsure that seking a formal diagnosis and a label will actually help him, as oppose to stigmatise him.

A label will help him.

It won't stigmatise him.

What will stigmatise him is being labelled as naughty and silly.

I think it's quite hard to get those labels, actually*, whether they are good or bad. It may be a struggle not worth starting on for the little it gains (dedicated SN funding has been drastically cut here, too). You read no end of stories on MN for how hard it is to get a SEN. Especially for something like ADHD which has to be assessed subjectively (by an expert with a checklist, but still it's their opinion at end of the day). And then there are stories about kids with SEN but school not doing what the SEN says so parent has to become an advocate for things that don't seem that effective in the first place, maybe.

DS seems a lot like you describe your DS & I have found The Explosive Child to be invaluable reading. It just clicked. So much of it is about not being emotional even when child is being totally unreasonable. Not sure I can explain. I thought I'd read it & find what it said to be obvious but wasn't like that at all.

I have lowered expectations, too. It's a good day when DS hasn't been in trouble for anything. :)

*Validly, playground gossip labels are easy to acquire, of course. :(

what others have said. A diagnosis of any kind makes a big difference and it will help him at school.

Ask for an appointment with the school's SEN CO, and have a long chat. The school will be able to put him on a waiting list to see an educational psychologist. This may take 3 months (I have heard of 5 to 8 months) or it could be really quick (the ed psych may already be coming to the school and they might be able to fit your son in too).

As has been pointed out, you're unwilling to have him officially diagnosed with ADHD but the alternative is for him to go through school labelled as naughty and difficult? I find that difficult to understand.

Strategies are out there that will greatly help him. And you'd be amazed at how big a leap his self esteem will take when he is able to start to understand why it is that he's naughty and it will help him manage it.

For my ds routine is VITAL! He needs to know what is happeninig, and not too much info!
I found a program called 123 magic. Have a research into iy. It works wonders for my ds and my other 2 dcs. It basically gives them 2 chances to stop something and on the 3rd warning....he has a choice to stop or face a consequence.
Please look into it.

And Yes YES get a diagnosis, it helped so much with my ds and school. ADHD is VERY hard to deal with as a parent. You need all the help you can get.

Diagnosis.

I have low self-esteem because I have ADHD and a diagnosis wasn't available when I was a kid. So people (teachers in particular) told me I was lazy and selfish and ungrateful, and I believed them.

You have to be very careful what you do with it once you have got it, mind. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. And it doesn't get you out of doing anything: you just have to try harder than everyone else to do the same things. But at least you know, and everyone else knows, that it's not deliberate.

An Ed Psych can't diagnose ADHD you need to see your GP who will refer him to someone qualified to make the diagnosis (usually a psychiatrist but sometimes a paediatrician )

You must try to get an official diagnosis if that is what is needed. I find giving my ds who is now 8 short simple instructions is the best . Allow him a couple of seconds longer to process that information. Avoid shouting [ I know it's hard ] . Use distraction techniques to avoid the big outbursts. Get a trampoline if you have room and can afford it. And praise praise praise all the stuff he gets right, even if you feel silly doing it especially in front of other people.

Check to praise. If you've asked him to get dressed and you go back 5 minutes later and all he's got on are his pants - don't say "Is that all you've done? Come on, hurry up!" Instaed say: "Oh well done DS, you've got your pants on - socks/t-shirt next!" in an encouraging way and leave the room. Go back and repeat. Worked for DS1 in lots of situations - the checking, not the getting dressed! . Obviously you need plenty of time for lots of these strategies, so make sure you build that into your daily routine and be realistic about it.

Would also like to agree with everyone who has said that getting a diagnosis is vital ASAP. It will help him for the rest of his life, not just now. The statistics of boys with undiagnosed (which results in a child who grows up with no help, no coping strategies and a 'bad' reputation) ADHD who end up in prison is truly scary. If it was something physical you'd have no hesitation - so do go.
Good luck.