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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DS has done something terrible

34 replies

The3Bears · 25/06/2012 16:15

I am very upset, currently 7 1/2 months pregnant so I know im a hormonal wreck anyway but ive just been to pick ds up from school and was called in to speak to the teacher and was told that ds had bit another child today on the back?! The teacher said how out of character it was for ds as he has never done anything like this before in school or at home, She said he was v upset about it all and said sorry to the other boy. But im just so confused, ive spoke to ds about it and all he keeps saying is it was an accident (he is v upset), but the boy is or was his friend and I just feel awful now as if I must have done something wrong or it's my fault somehow. I am going to speak to boys mum tomorrow and apologize as I feel terrible and cannot believe he has done this, I have told ds no movie night this weekend and no park all week after school.
Am I being too soft is that enough punishment? I just dont know and im more concerned with why he would do something like this.
Has anyone else had a similar problem who could help ? :(

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tribpot · 25/06/2012 16:19

How old is your ds? I don't think this is 'terrible' - not acceptable if the behaviour is repeated I agree, but not terrible.

thisisyesterday · 25/06/2012 16:20

i think you're over-reacting actually.
it was dealt with at school, he was upset and genuinely remorseful and you have told him off as well.
i think no park all week is just way OTT to be honest.

i bit my best friend ever in primary school once. I have no idea why, but I can remember it clear as day. I just really wanted to do it so I did
we're still best friends though, so no lasting damage

chill out about it. it's one of those things!

clam · 25/06/2012 16:21

Entirely depends if he's 4 or 11, imo.

BackforGood · 25/06/2012 16:24

I think your hormones must be making you more upset than you need be. The teacher has dealt with it. I'm reading that she wanted you to know because ds was so obviously upset about it all, not that she wants you to continue to punish him further at home. Maybe something instant for today, but there's no point in dragging this out. (Obviously now you've said it, you're going to have to follow through, but it seems a bit much to me).
It's clearly totally out of character, he's upset he's done it, he and the other boy are still friends, it was just one of those mistakes that lots of children make when they get tired towards the end of the school year.

madwomanintheattic · 25/06/2012 16:25

quite. how old?

ds1 took a chunk out of his sister once - way past the age when such behaviour could be expected, and having never done so before. it was completely irrational, and out of the blue. she had a scar on her arm for about three years.

he has never done it since. i think it frightened him as much as it did everyone else, tbh. and yes, we went full on into punishment mode as you have.

that said, it's all over and done with. he knows he's not to do it again. he can suck up his punishment, and then you can all get on with your lives. pg hormones won't be helping you, of course, and impending siblingdom is perchance a v small aspect of why he's off kilter, but i wouldn't waste time ovetthinking it, if it was you.

you can be mortified for a day or so, then let it go. life's too short and a freak bite is just one of those things.

Original poster

The3Bears · 25/06/2012 16:27

Okay sorry, he is 5 so in reception, I think it is my hormones and the fact it's so out of character for him thats upset me the most. I will leave the not going to park all week then, I just dont want him to think it's okay to do this. He is v upset so i'll just leave it now and not mention it to him anymore.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 25/06/2012 16:28

If your DS is under 6 then I think your hormones are making you over-react. It was a one off. Your DS is clearly sorry and upset by it, and unlikely to repeat it.

If he did this every day then you would have a problem that would need addressing,

If he is over the age of 6 then he should know better.

I think it's not right to stop him going to the park though, it's important for little kids to get fresh air and exersice, and while the weather is nice you should let him go to the park. Let the school deal with the punishment, you have spoken to him, leave it at that.

Original poster

The3Bears · 25/06/2012 16:29

I hadnt told him about not going to the park all week yet just today after school so thats okay but I have told him no movie night this weekend.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 25/06/2012 16:29

He might be feeling nervous about his new baby sibling's arrival? Or he could have ujst bit, on impulse. Kids don't always learn what is right or wrong until they have tried it. That's how they learn.

mollythetortoise · 25/06/2012 16:30

I think you have handled this well - he obviously knows he's done wrong and if out of character gfor him , I would be very surprised if he ever did it again. he is still only 5.

An apology to the other mum and her son would be a good idea too.

Elibean · 25/06/2012 16:31

My friend's little ds (also in Reception) bit his best buddy last term. His poor Mum was mortified, just like you - but he is a gorgeous well behaved little boy and just lost his temper and didn't have the words to deal with it

He's not done it again, and I bet your ds won't either. I think, possibly, end of summer term in Reception is one of the hardest times for kids - they are tired - plus impending sibling bound to add to the mix!

Honestly, you are so not alone - and yes, he may have done it just to see what it was like (dd2 once bit me on the same principle )!

worrywortisworrying · 25/06/2012 16:32

Biting isn't acceptable so I think your reaction is (i) acceptable and (ii) lovely - It's unlikely that your kids will go too far wrong.

It does sound like a one off. Plus, you are hormonal, he's going to understand that changes are coming (but perhaps not be able to work out what those changes are).

FWIW, I think you sound like a lovely mum

Posey · 25/06/2012 16:35

I could have written your post 2years ago.
Ds then end of year 2, bit a boy in his class (on the leg) in an angry outburst.he had never ever bitten anyone before. He was mortified that his temper had got out of control, I was mortified. Ds had to go to time out classroom for an hour (standard procedure) which I fully supported. I was cross with ds but also very conscious that I needed to find out why he'd done it and stop it happening again.
2 years on it has never happened again.
Don't beat yourself up, it isn't your fault and there is no reason this should become a pattern.

I realise I don't know how old your child is. If they are younger, pre school age, then this is really quite a common thing, but can become a habit quite easily. I work in a preschool where we will from time to time have children that bite. In those cases we tend to keep one member of staff very close to them, to try and prevent it happening.

Posey · 25/06/2012 16:37

Shows how slowly I type....I see he's in reception.

Blu · 25/06/2012 16:39

Since he is upset and knows he has done wrong he won't want to do it again.
So rather than concentrating on punishment, I would help him learn ways to avoid biting anyone. Ask him calmly how it happened, what le up to it, remind him that when upset we 'use our words', and give him some phrases he can practice 'Please stop' 'stop now, I'm upset' and remind him that if he gets over-excited he can say to himself 'have a little breather now' and to take a few deep breaths.

It may well have been an accident, it may have been him being a lion or a dog and getting carried away.

Be clear and consistent in keeping the message that biting is wrong, but help him to make sure it doesn't happen again, and praise his strengths - remember - it was out of character!

learnandsay · 25/06/2012 16:44

Was it an accident?

auntevil · 25/06/2012 16:48

I don't think you're over reacting at all. Your DS now will know that biting is behaviour that will get (in a 5 year old world) severe punishment. Reality is a week missed in the park and no cinema is no long term thing.
Hopefully it will make him think twice about doing it again - in which case, job done.

Chandon · 25/06/2012 17:13

Oh Gosh, you are overreacting! it was a naughty thing to do, probably in the heat of the moment. Not the end of the world.

stealthsquiggle · 25/06/2012 17:22

Reaction seems about right to me (with or without park - whatever works for you). If he is feeling remorseful, maybe get him to write a note / draw a picture for the other child to say sorry? It sounds to me as though, whatever the reason he did it, he has had a shock and it seems incredibly unlikely that he will do it again.

cilldara · 25/06/2012 17:26

I have been teaching 4/5 year olds for 25 years and there is always at least one biting incident per year, usually in the heat of a game or often, oddly, out of affection!!! One little girl bit the teaching assistant as she was being a dog that day.

By all means let him know it is unacceptable but don't beat yourself or him up over it.

Original poster

The3Bears · 25/06/2012 19:51

Thank you for all your helpful comments, ds has spoke abit more about it now and said he was playing dinosaurs. So we've explained that no matter what he's playing he should never bite anyone and he is v upset about it all still and doesnt want to go to school tomorrow :(
So i'll have a quick word with the teacher tomorrow and I hope he soon forgets all about this and gets back to enjoying school.

OP posts:

Blu · 25/06/2012 20:03

Aha, over-imagnative engagement with a T Rex

ontheedgeofwhatever · 25/06/2012 21:06

Please try not to worry about it any more. What's done is done and worrying on about it really won't help.

DD has been both the biter and the bitee (is that word) and i felt far far worse when she did the biting. It really is a horrible feeling but your DS will have learnt from this and if he is upset about it hes very unlikely to do it again. it sounds like you've handled it well.

Coconutty · 25/06/2012 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ceebeegeebies · 25/06/2012 21:09

My Ds1 did this when in Reception - one day, he bit one of his best friends. The teacher did tell me that his friend had goaded him into it but still, DS1 did bite him and got punished accordingly.

He has not done it since (that was about 18 months ago) so it really isn't a sign of anything more serious than frustration/impulse. Please don't panic about it - just explain to him that it was wrong and then move on (easier said than done I know).

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