Sports Day horrors

[Dotty342kids]

So, today, for the third consecutive year my 7yr DD has ended up in tears at school sports day. Not because it's too competitive (its a nice mix of fun races and games), not because anything terrible happened.
No, because she didn't get any 1st, 2nd or 3rd place stickers and she can't bear to lose!!
Every year when this happens I remind her that it's ok not to win, that it's ok for other children to do better than her and that we can't all be good at everything! I encourage her to cheer on her classmates and just not to let it bother her but to no avail.
She sulks in a corner, and that gradually turns into full on tears.
I just despair! I wonder if it's partly because she finds the classroom, academic stuff comes quite easily to her so she's just not used to not being the best....... but how do you get a child over it? And how does she get over it without ending up with a lifelong hatred of sports which I don't want to happen either?
Aaargh!

DD2 isn't the best loser. When she's playing with friends I have to pull her up on altering things so she wins. It goes:
She wins: "I win"
She loses (just): "It's a draw"
She loses (by enough she can't claim a draw): "It didn't count because XXX"
She sees she's going to lose: "Let's add rule XXX"-that gives her an advantage.
She loses and can see I'm going to get cross if she discounts it/sulks: "I didn't care whether I win"
Aagh! I hate it!
She is getting better.

Basically I play things with her and won't let her cheat/manipulate and give her praise for playing nicely. I have also played with her and cheated outrageously/changed rules etc. as she does so she can see how irritating it is.
If she sulks because she didn't win then she gets no attention. I won't let others give her attention either.

I think I'd have been tempted to tell her (and teachers beforehand) that one sulk and she doesn't do another race.

I tell dd2 that I want to see her not just not sulking, but also saying "well done," You ran well" to the first person. And things like admiring how well someone did having fallen over, but still finished (last) and things like that.

My dd hates sports day - because she isn't very sporty and she hates to compete and not win. I loathed sports at school and used to fake illness to get out of it from the same age (7).

I think it is something they just have to find their own way through really. I am supportive (but don't let her take the day off - which she has wanted to do since reception!) and give her a cuddle, of course.

I also think it is really useful to observe your own reactions - how do you feel watching her struggle? I know I feel stressed, awkward and sometimes impatient. So my starting point is to teach myself to relax around it - because it really doesn't matter if she isn't good at everything!

That's the whole point of sports day, some win and some lose. It's a bit like life.

thanks for those tips, I like the idea of getting her to actively praise others, something she wouldn't find easy but definitely should be doing!

I had a friend whose son was a bit like your DD. They made up for the lack of sports day winning by going to the toy shop and spending £50 on him on the way home. Sorted.

Oh good grief......... really?! I was happy with her teacher's approach of making sure she got a "well done for taking part" sticker! Geez. It's an interesting thought sparklingbrook but not one that we'll be taking up!

My eldest (8 now) dd always hated sports day, but not because of losing - because she always fell over/felt self-conscious etc School/we got her through it by giving her lots of praise for taking part. She's older and more resilient now, plus doesn't fall over anymore (and has orthotics) - so now just shrugs about it.

dd2, OTOH, loathes the idea of her first sports day next week because she knows she won't win - she too has dodgy feet, orthotics, and tends to fall over but in her case there is a strong streak of competitiveness, and her BF is 'best at everything' (true, so not much I can say there). She is much more confident in herself generally than dd1, so with her I tend to shrug and say 'oh well, never mind, I never won a race either - but look at all the things you do well' and she cheers up. The Day is yet to come though....

Your approach clearly isn't working, so maybe just leave her to it. Let her sulk and make herself miserable, until it's time to say 'stop that and pull yourself together. How do you think other children feel when they never get higher marks than you?'.

She is winding you up and managing to get as much attention as if she had won. I would brush it off in a brisk way. If you are telling her winning at sports doesn't matter, then act as if it doesn't, instead of lots of loving re-assurance and consoling her over something that doesn't merit consolation, iyswim.

You can't always save her from herself - and you don't need to despair - that isn't you 'losing'

Oh god, we're in a similar boat - dd doesn't want to win, but she gets so upset about being last (by miles) at everything. She's the opposite of some in that she didn't care at all when she was little, but now it really gets her down.

We stress the 'its the taking part' / 'just do as well as you can do' / etc etc but she's been home in tears again today & that was just the trials to see who will run what race. The relays are the worst I think as it gets made very clear who is letting down the team by being slow ("you go first X so we can try and catch up after you've run" etc)

Doesn't help that she's also slow at writing etc and I think that gets pointed out pretty often too by her peers (apparantly they all show each other what they've done on the table, so she can see how much more others are getting done)

My DDs love sports day as they are fleet of foot and have always been able to outrun me. DD2 won every race this year. (Not so stealth boast!)

The horrors I worry about are the races where people get hurt. The little siblings race where an older brother or sister drags a toddler along far too fast. Tears ensue.

Or, sometimes worse, the over competitive parents' race. I refused to take part and was glad. In both the Dad's race and the Mum's race, someone fell and was hurt or embarrassed.

The worst was a few years ago when 2 friends ran in the parents race, one gave the other a shove and over she went. She dislocated her knee and had to go to hospital.

They made up though and split the fee after selling their story to "Take a Break" magazine.

haha, that last post really made me laugh. We only "had the option" to do the parents race in nursery, the older the kids get, the less the need for embarrassing the parents it seems. Thank goodness!
anyway, had another conversation at bedtime and she seems fine about it all now. Next year I will remind her briskly in the morning that it's only one day, and it doesn't matter, and then let her get on with it!!
Thanks for all your advice...

That's what I don't get about relays. Both infant and junior have relays as "aren't they nice and non-competitive for all children." I hated relays worse because at least when I was last it was only me I was letting down. In a relay it was the whole team. Although I was a bit in year 6 when possibly the only person worse at running than me in the form (a boy so I didn't usually compete against him) shouted at me that I was letting the team down and if I'd run quicker (number 3 out of 4) he'd have been able to catch up and be first.