So stressed about son's behavious/other parents. Advice welcomed

[Sopster]

Hi all, I posted on here a couple of weeks ago aftermy son (5.6) had been sent to the deputy headmistress for 3 incidents at school (taking a pen off another boy as his wasn't working, bragging about going swimming one night and using his arms elbows to prevent same boy sitting next to him). These incidents all involved the same boy who is a very close neighbour who my son has been friends with for 3 years. I was concerned that the parents of this boy had made a complaint about my son (which they had) and the school were acting on that. I have since been into the school and had a lovely meeting with headmistress and both class teachers who were all v positive about my son and reassured me whilst those incidents werenot nice they were pretty normal 5 year old behaviour (my son was also punished quite strictly by my husband and i at the time).

In the meantime these neighbours (who were once good friends of ours) have sent us an email saying that they are disappointed it has taken the school being involved for us to take our childs bad behaviour seriously, they cross the road when they see us out and have encouraged their son to keep away from ours (despite the teachers telling me they always play together at school and walk around holding hands at school) and have now invited every child in the class to their sons birthday party except my son (who appears to be his closest friend).

Today there is a note in my sons contact book saying there was an accident in the playground today when my son hit this other boy with a skipping rope because he was swinging it too close to his face. Both boys went to see the headmistress as the teacher couldn't get to the bottom of what had happened and the HM just told her to inform me and said the boys would be monitored closely at playtimes. I have spoken to my son tonight about it and he's said it was an accident and they were just playing but I have now asked him to keep away from this other boy as all these inceidents seem to involve him and I'm becoming increasingly worried about what the other parents will say next. They clearly think their son is being bullied by mine and this is just going to add fuel to the fire. I don't want to punish him for today as he says it was an accident and the teachers have given me no reason to think otherwise but I also really don't want them going around continually badmouthing him.

He is generally very good at home, dotes on his little sister and I have never had behaviour problems with him in the past. However I am realistic enough to know that he may be acting differently at school adn don't want to come across as a deluded parent.

I'm sorry this is so long but am so upset again tonight. I don't even know what I want anyone to say but an outsiders thoughts would be appreciated.Thanks x

From what you've said, the parents sound really unhelpful to me, but they are probably overwhelmed with their son and a new baby (trying to be charitable). Your son probably feels a bit suffocated - some kids simply cannot take no for an answer, or let others play with someone else etc, and although it will upset the other boy, its really not your problem, as all you can do is go along with what the other boy's parents want - ie keep them separate. Hopefully he will make new friends, and his parents will then be happy.

By the way I was on the receiving end of a child with parents like this - only thing was they made everything into a mountain - anything she wanted she got, and she was never wrong. She wanted to be my friend - I wanted to run - but everytime I tried, our parents shoved us together. My mother didn't want to offend her mother as she was a teacher at the primary school! Her mother decided I was a suitable friend. Ugh! Parents never taught her social skills, other than run to mummy and tell lies to get sympathy, so she became more and more unpopular.

Seems to me there is responsibility on both sides.

Eg: the letterbox - you should both be holding onto it - your son is 5 FFS - what should he have done - please take you fingers out of the letter box before I go back to my mother like she has asked me to do. Maybe your son was careless, but her son is responsible for his own fingers. If he had shut a door on his friend to stop him coming in a room and trapped his fingers in it, that would be different.

With a skipping rope - don't stand so near the damn thing when its swinging!

By the way my DD was bullied physically and verbally ..... so I have been on the other side.

So with the new baby, this could be attention-seeking behaviour on the part of the boy. He maybe enjoyed the attention he got after the first incident and this is his way of muscling in on the baby.

I'm not discounting the genuine experiences of others, but as a teacher, I do know that some parents use the word "bullying" very lightly. I have heard at collection time some parents saying "has x hurt you today?" to my 5 year olds. And children who are best friends do start to fall out over things as they grow up - particularly if one of them has been a follower as is now starting to develop more of a sense of self.

Your ds sounds like a perfectly normal 5 yr old, you have acted reasonably and responsibly, talking to your ds and the school, prepared to back them up if necessary but the school see no issue - but because of the OTT reaction of the neighbours you've been left wracking your brains thinking there must be more to it. Well maybe there isn't. Your neighbours sound massively over-protective and helicoptery, perceiving the usual childhood accidents and minor squabbling as something far more unpleasant and indicative of poor parenting. Imo the content of the email and excluding only your ds from a class party are unkind.

I would show the school the email you received and the party exclusion so they understand what you are dealing with, ask again for reassurance that ds is behaving himself. Explain too that neighbours child appears to keenly want to be ds' friend but you are concerned that if any other accidents (as that what they are ) then you're just going to get further escalation from the boy's parents. To stop further escalation and for ds not to be bewildered and hurt by what they are doing, you'd be grateful if the school can do help ds foster other friendships. Ignore neighbours completely and encourage play-dates and activities like Beavers etc so your ds has plenty of other companions.

Other people have so put so much more eloquantly what I tried to put across.

"johnny took my pen today - waaaaaaaaail" (I want a cuddle and to be babied)
"johnny was so horrible he said he was going swimming and I couldn't come" (I want a cuddle and am so jealous because we don't go swimming because of hte baby)

and so on.

My eldest said some absolutely shocking things to other when I was pregnant with one of her younger siblings - (she was 7.5 at the time) - I want the baby to die!!!! She wanted the attention from the adults she was talking too and she was put out that we were having another baby.

Another time one parent also accused her of being a bully and phoned me at home and ranted and raved at me (this other girl had moved schools at least twice due to bullying previously) I was distraught. I spoke to the school, they couldn't believe it - said she had her moment but no way was she a bully. The other parent withdrew her dd and moved schools again - I don't think she considered the fact that her husband and just left, she had moved a boyfriend in and her Dad who looked after the children a lot was dying of cancer had anything to do with her dds tears and dramas about my dd being mean to her

Some of my dc have been bullied and it is usually done sneakily and maliciously (more so with girls perhaps) and 5 year olds always blame stuff on everyone else being mean!

Ah I'm so glad others have said the same as me - I was a leetle worried I'd get told maybe my DS was a bully and being mean!

Basically as put so much clearer than me - this boy is getting attention when things go wrong and being allowed to blame your DS for accidents and weather related mishaps!

I wouldn't even bother going to to the school - if the other parents see you going in it'll add fuel to their fire that your DS has don something wrong.

Being a normal 5yo is not a crime.