Should I bring this up with teacher?

[mommybunny]

DS is finishing Year 2 and will leave his current school in July to go to an all-boys school (for no reason other than his current school is all-girls from 7+). He is basically well-behaved but has what I've always thought was a normal 7yo boy's inclination to fidget and "selective hearing". His teachers and DH and I have always been aware of it, and while it frustrates us at times, we haven't been too worried about it - we have always assumed he'd grow out of it.

DS was apparently very upset yesterday when he told the TA he hadn't been selected for an away cricket match and the TA (reportedly) said "oh, it's just as well, you never listen to anyone anyway". If this TA really said something like that I would find it shocking: she is always on the face of it one of the most positive people you'd ever meet. In fact, sometimes I find her TOO positive - she says things like "good boy" and "well done" when a kid tells her what clubs he's doing that afternoon. Although (I think) DS doesn't get told off often at school, when he does he usually sulks a very little while then forgets about it (and sometimes we wish he'd internalise it a little more, IYKWIM). But this time he was really upset, and told me he thought it wasn't fair. That is very unlike him. He told me he said nothing back to the TA, and I said it's possible there was a misunderstanding.

I'm wondering if I should bring this up with his teacher (or the TA, or no one). I am by no means an "all guns blazing" kind of mother, the kind who always believes her kid is in the right and marches up to school constantly to complain. I don't have the time! I also know my DS, and even if the TA said what I am told she said it probably isn't completely unjustified. It may very well be the case that the reason he wasn't selected for the match is that he doesn't always listen to the coach. Nevertheless, if it is true, I don't think it's an appropriate thing for a person in that kind of authority to say "you NEVER do [x, y, z]", and of all people I'd have thought she would know that. She is pregnant, and may have been having a bad day and again, DS may have misunderstood her.

My question is, should I try to find out what really happened, and if the above is true gently make my feelings known that I don't think it's appropriate? Or, on the basis that he will be leaving the school soon anyway, just drop the matter? I asked DS if he wanted me to talk to the TA, and he said yes, but after a night to sleep on it I'm not so sure.

Grateful for any thoughts.

i would for no other reason that if she has said this she may think twice next time and realise, she may not have intended to hurt his feelings or even say it in the first place, slip of the toungue.

just say to her if you get the chance, that ds was upset when he came home from school on x day and you just wondered if there had been a misunderstanding because he was sure you said x to him and this really hurt his feelings. if she admits, just say, O.\K well i just thought you should know he felt this was quite unfair and a little harsh too.

If she denys it just say, I had hoped he was misunderstood as that would be a very cruel thing to say to a child who was disapointed about not being cjosen and of course his behaviour had no breaing on the selection of this event.

I wouldnt bother with the teacher but talk directly to her.

The student teacher in my dds class treated her unfairly the other day, it was not a big deal in general, but to dd it was and it had upset her. She was attempting to explain to the teacher what had actually happened and she was not listend to.

I raised it directly with her and she asked dd to then explain as dd spoke the teacher then began talking to me, so i ignored her and listed to dd, then when dd had finished I said Oh sorry I didnt quite catch that I was listening to dd, as you had asked her to explain what you had not given her the chance to say yesterday. but of course you understand how important it is to listen to children when you have asked them to explain them selfs...smug grin and she got the message and actually appologised.

Might it be the very thing your DS needs to hear just once to motivate him to want to fix this issue?

I'm not sure I would say anything because 1. you are leaving in five weeks time anyway so it would be nice to avoid bad feeling 2. its likely that she didn't say exactly those words or if she did it was just a slip of the tongue rather than something she meant from heart 3. unless you want your DS spoken to again about it, then what's done is done.

I'd leave it. It sounds like a 1 off remark (if indeed your DS heard it correctly). Chances are the TA doesn't remember it so you have nothing to gain by a he said/she said sort of conversation.

Possible that your DS was upset about not being picked anyway and perhaps was upset by the lack of sympathy rather than the remark per se?

not very constructive mereddeux though do you not think, he is only about 7 after all. not really the most difficult or disruptive range of behaviour for a boy of that age, probably irritating yes, but doesnt sound much out of the ordinary.

There are far more productive ways for the school to challenge this type of behaviour with him and a TA getting into tittle tatle over it is not very nice in my opinion and should be challenged. No need to make a big deal but subtly letting the TA know what she said is not nice is appropriate IMHO.

Have you ever investigated his "selective hearing" issue?

I only ask as my DD was found to have low level hearing loss in Reception. She is generally OK but can struggle when there is a lot of background noise/classroom hubbub, so can lose focus if she doesn't concentrate on what's being said

dangerousliaison - what's unconstructive? I am not suggesting that its horribly abnormal or the TA should have said it, I am just saying what's done is done, and you never know it might do the trick.

Dizzyday07, yes we have investigated the "selective hearing" issue (at request of DS's teacher). We took him to GP before Easter who saw a ball of wax, which we fixed with olive oil drops. DS said then he could hear better but I still think there is a selective hearing issue going on - whenever someone speaks to him he ALWAYS says "pardon?", like a reflex. It used to drive me nuts but I have recently realised that most likely it's just a means for him to buy an extra second or 2 to process what he did in fact hear, because he often responds to the first thing said before it can be repeated. It drives DH nuts too but he doesn't realise he does the same thing.

TA was completely normal when she saw DS this morning at dropoff, as positive and chatty as usual. DS was also fine. Maybe I will drop it but watch it, and if anything close to that happens again, strike then. Thanks to all for your comments.

I actually did use yesterday's upset to gently make the point to DS that maybe there was something in TA's remark, if indeed she did say it. I told him that if he didn't want anyone to say anything like that to him again he needed to make sure he always did listen and never gave anyone a reason to say something like that.

you suggested/asked if it is just what he may need to motivate him to fix this problem.

I was sugesting that what the TA said would not be a constructive way of motivating him to fix this problem.

off the cuff negative remarks as far as im concerned do less to address problems and are more likely to set low expectations of ones self and accept our negative traits rather that challenge our selfs.

dangerousliaison (good film BTW) - ok. you have your view and I have mine. i know what i meant and you are welcome to interpret it as you see fit.

ask GP for a hearing test

If she's generally over positive then I would suspect it was either a misunderstanding/mishearing.

Just a wondering thought. Is she there when he does cricket? I wonder if she may have said something along the lines of "you don't/weren't listening in cricket." Meaning, I saw and you weren't listening, hint: concentrate better next time.
It may sound mean thing to say, but otoh if he wants to be chosen, is it better that they say "hard luck", or say why he's not chosen to give him the chance of working at listening/batting/catching etc. so he may be chosen next time. I think if she'd said "you don't hold your bat right, so miss all the time" it wouldn't sound so bad from a parent's point of view, but is along the same lines.

If he's not hearing properly then he may give them impression of not listening anyway. I'd request a hearing test to check, you can't always tell when there is hearing loss as children compensate very well.

You know, maybe we do need a proper hearing test. We had one a couple of years ago, and they said everything was fine, but maybe I shouldn't just shrug this off. Will consider it.

If he needs the 'extra time' to give his brain a chance to process things, it might be worth mentioning APD (Auditory Processing Disorder) to your GP/ your DS's ENT consultant/the school SenCo.

Does your DS have trouble following two-part instructions, like "Go upstairs and get your shoes", and goes upstairs but can't remember what for when he gets there?

I am not sure what you would gain by reporting other than a lot of frustration. As our kids are all getting older we will come across more and more people criticising them rather than praising them. Should a school teacher do that - possibly not but I know mine did - they are not devoid of opinions after all. My DS is like yours - bit distracted and likes to chatter, he loves to act but never ever gets more than a line to read in the various productions school do - my MIL gets livid about it and although I asked her to drop it, she did eventually ask the teacher why it was always the same kids who go the lead roles - "because they are the ones who pay attention and learn their lines". Can't say fairer than that.

APD? Hmmm...I'd never heard of that (pardon the pun). I suppose sometimes he does have trouble with 2-part instructions (the "go upstairs and get your shoes" is classic!), though his sister sometimes does too, and there is no issue with her hearing or concentration.

Maybe I should take it up with the teacher, not to "report" the TA but to see if she thinks APD could be relevant. I could mention the "pardon?" thing instead of the TA's comment. She has said she's pretty certain he doesn't have ADHD, and I didn't think he did. He has recently gotten much better at the fidgeting thing - at a concert his class gave on Tuesday there were a few kids who did solo performances on instruments. I won't say he was perfectly still the whole time, but I thought he did reasonably well, and there were plenty of kids, boys and girls (and parents!), who were far worse.

DS is going to start at a really great school in September, one we worried deeply about him getting in. We'd really like for him to get off to a great start and for the rest of the world to know what a wonderful boy he is. Maybe this unfortunate episode with the TA could be the chance to fix something that could be holding him back. Thanks for all the input!

www.thecommunicationtrust.org.uk/media/18904/communicating_phonics_capd.pdf