Dysfunctional friendship groups: is it normal/ok/worth it to talk to teachers about friendships??

[Obergene]

My DD1 is five years old and in Y1. At school she is in a friendship with two other girls one of whom seems to be quite manipulative and mean. Every day DD1 comes home with stories about this girl leaving her out, or playing with her but leaving the other girl out, or saying really worryingly mean things about other people, or telling her she is stupid, ugly etc etc etc. DD1 gets quite stressed about it all yet despite lots of advice from me about playing with other children she never does. In an odd way she is very attached to the girl who also makes her very unhappy.

I have no idea what to do about this. It seems such a shame that DD1's formative friendship group is so dysfunctional. The only option I can think of is to talk to the teacher to see what her take on it is, whether she thinks it is as bad as DD1 makes it sound and to ask whether she can think of any solutions. However, I am worried the teacher will feel I am bothering her about something that is not really her responsibility.

Is it normal to talk to teachers about friendships? Or will I look like an interfering and over protective parent?

I would say so, teachers are responsible for your child while they are at school and friendships are an important part of learning social interaction. I would also try to teach your dd about friendships outside of school, have play dates etc.

It is worth talking to the teacher. At the school my dc were in year1 at they would use that to raise at circle time and talk about not leaving out/nasty/nice things to say etc.

It may be that your dd enjoys the dramatic side of it, and exaggerates etc. what is happening. You know your dd best. I know if dd1 says that is happening, it's happening probably worse than she's telling, I know if dd2 is telling me then there's a good chance that she's revelling in the dramatic possibilities with her imagination running riot, and it's probably no more than a small comment sometime during the day.

I agree. Invite some different girls over so yr dd can get to know others without the other girl influencing her
My dd was in a similar friendship in yr r. Lucky for me the girl moved away and it solved itself I did invite other kids over tho and it helped.

I do invite other children over all the time. We have had play dates with at least six other classmates. She enjoys each play date yet still seems to gravitate back to this problematic friendship. If I ask her whether this girl makes her feel good she says no, if I ask her whether x or y (other girls in the class) make her feel good she says yes. So then I remind her that she has choices and she could play with the other girls, and she says yes. Then I send her off to school and she runs straight over to the girl we have just discussed avoiding! It drives me a bit potty to be honest.

Oh dear. Maybe worth seeing teacher then.

I would definitley talk to DD's teacher. I don't think the teacher will be put out by you talking to her about this in the slightest. My DD is also in Y1 and is exceptionally close to one girl since Reception. I really like the other girl and they get on very well (although they have daily arguments) but I was and am concerned that DD is isolating herself by playing and focusing purely on one person. I spoke to DD's teacher about it and voiced my concerns that she should play with other children too. The teacher agreed and tried to seperate DD and her friend a bit during class, so as to make DD play with others.

I really would speak to the teacher, I am sure that they won't mind in the slightest!

It is kind of life experience, sometimes we do gravitate towards people who are fun or exciting by not that good for us... You might have to let her come to some understanding of why this girl makes her unhappy, before she can deal with it.

I wouldn't wait for my daughter to develop her emotional understanding before intervening. I expect something like that could be harmful to my child. In my primary school I remember one family which seemed to have children in every year of the school and they all formed a kind of a gang. I remember having to rescue my sister from them in the playground once. That was decades ago and I still haven't forgotten it. I can't imagine having to deal with some form of conflict or upset on a daily basis at that age!

I would talk to teacher simialr situation with my dd and friendship group of 5 girls all y1 aswell, was getting dd down and creating lots of friction in the palyground. The teacher was unaware as in class they all seememd fine. One girl very manipulative and others afraid to go against her my dd even began refering to her as "the leader of the girls group" .

The head and class teacher and one play ground supervisor monitored and interviened daily with the girls and all has settled down over past three weeks.

This thread has reassured me, i have a while to worry about this as DS doesnt start school until Sept next year 2013, however there is a boy at his nursery who is a bit bullish, and there is a good chance they will be in the same school, I know the school are really good at keeping the LO's who have been in the same nursery together, but i dont want them to be together!

DS seems to like playing with him (and his mother keeps trying to encourage play dates which i am trying to avoid!). And i can already see him picking up traits from the boy. I just hope they arent encouraged to be too friendly at school. Nursery are aware of it (they alerted me to it first) and are good at encouraging DS to play with others but i wondered what the school would make of it.

At the risk of sounding PFB, DS is really placid (he is honest - lots of people have said so ) but i know he is going to come up against bullish behaviour, i just dont want to encourage it.

Sorry to hijack OP, i am just aware of how you are feeling, and reassured to see some posters advising to talk to the teacher. Good luck OP, i will be interested to hear how you get on.

in my experience martha this problem did not occur with dd in reception, it seemed to develop more in y1 when friendship groups are evolving, also it is often more common with girl friendship groups.

Thanks dangerousliaison i can kind of see how that can be.

Plenty of time to work on him then!