WWYD re 'leaving do', aimed at anyone who works in a school

[ThinAir]

What would you do if there were several staff members leaving your school, including yourself.

A 'leaving do' date has been set with 4 weeks notice. you've already accepted an invitation to a good friends 40th on that date.

obviously you can't miss your own leaving do, and you can't expect a date to suit EVERYONE but would you expect a school to make the leaving do on a date that suited all the people actually leaving?

or does the person just accept that they have to let down their friend re the 40th birthday? is this an acceptable reason to let the friend down?

sorry for bad punctuation / sentence construction at start of post! must proofread!

I would explain to my colleagues about the date being inconvenient, and offer to have a mini lunchtime celebration with them. They're not going to complain about a few nibbles and a bit of cake at lunchtime in addition to the night out, and it also means those colleagues that don't want to go out on the evening do will have a nice treat and chance to say their goodbyes etc.

I wouldn't miss a friend's 40th, especially if I'd already accepted the invitation.

I would say to the school sorry but I have another commitment on that date and wish everyone else a good time.

I'd say I already had a prior commitment on that date, and could it be changed.
And if not I'd got with Shatners lunchtime thing.
Certainly wouldn't miss the friend's 40th that I had already accepted.

Ok, i have to confess... this is a reverse AIBU/ WWYD as i am actually the one having the 40th party. my friend has said she can no longer come :( for the reasons in my OP.

don't know why i reversed the thread, prob just trying to see it from her point of view as i am usually in a minority when i post on AIBU

thanks for your responses, which lead me to think IANBU to feel a bit hurt/ let down.

Oh, I was about to post and say I would go to my own leaving do, and then take the friend out for lunch/dinner another time to make up for it. I would not be missing my own leaving do, it would be a real shame not to get a chance to say a proper goodbye.

But as this is a reverse AIBU I'll keep quiet!

If it were me I would do both if logistically possible. Quick drink with colleagues then make my apologies and head of slightly late to friend's 40th. Is that not an option for your friend?

Cool, a reverse AIBU. I'd heard of these...

I would be a bit put out as well. Or hurt maybe describes it better. I like bored&restless's idea. How close are you to your friend? Do you have the kind of friendship where you could suggest it to her?

not possible to do both due to distances involved.

vanimal, of course she can't miss her own leaving do, but still feel let down tbh

i think it was also rather tactless of her to confirm the date of her own 40th in the same text that she cancelled me!

She probably mentioned her own 40th to make sure you know that her letting you down isn't an indication that she doesn't want to be your friend any more.

Will her absence from your party ruin the evening?

shatners, what a positive spin you put on that

her absence won't ruin it, but i do value her coming.

You mention distance. Would her attending your party cost her in terms of travel and accommodation on top of the costs of the night itself (drinks and gift). She could be seriously struggling to make ends meet and the leaving do being on the same night has been a relief to her. Just a possibility!

boredandrestless, its an hour's drive and she'd stay at mine. she has no kids and is single so logistics pretty straightforward, tbh.

also she is on a good salary. but i accept, that it's not such a high priority as her own leaving do.

I'd find it odd that the leaver had no say in the date of her own leaving do and think there must be a bit more to this TBH.

it can be very difficult to agree a date at a staff meeting. she is not the only one leaving. maybe she was just the most willing to compromise on date. she's a v easy going person.

and she does more than her share of travel to stay in touch/ meet up due to her child free lifestyle, so i can't grumble really. just sad she wont be there.

Maybe the two of you can meet up another day for a nice boozy lunch or dinner just the two of you, have a proper catch up etc? In fact I think SHE should be the one suggesting this to you!

I think you are being a bit unfair to say that your birthday doesn't have as high a priority as her leaving do. On a purely practical level it might be a case of letting down one person or letting down a few. It might be that she knows she will see you a lot but not the other staff members. It might be that she can't refuse her own leaving do whereas she is only a guest at your 40th rather than the reason for the party. I do get that you are upset. I was upset that no old friends even remembered my 40th, but you need to talk to her and plan an alternative and you will see her for her 40th. Why not see that as a way to celebrate together?

I would skip the 40th, is hard to get dates that everyone can do. Also think it's a bit sad to be fretting about friends turning up or not at the age of 40!