Any reception teachers out there??

[Sopster]

Hi,

I wonder if anyone can help me on here as it's only 10am and I'm so stressed I could pour myself a glass of wine already (I won't!!).

My ds started school last September. Since then we have had 2 parents evenings where we have been told he is doing exceptionally well academically and plays well with the rest of the class. So we were pretty happy as you'd imagine.

In his class there is one little boy who lives opposite us. They have known each other since they were 2. They have always been good friends despite being very different. My little boy is generally (not always) quite quiet, loves playing with his little sister and has never been one for boisterous 'boys' play. This other little boy, whilst also a lovely boy is extremely boisterous, loves play fighting etc...

Last week I was called in my their teacher to say there had been 3 incidents at school in the previous 10 days all involving my son. They were: 1) he took a pen off this boy as his wasn't working, 2) he was bragging to him that he was going swimming after school that night and 3) he was nudging him out the way at carpet time because they both wanted to sit next to the same person. My son was taken to the headmistress as punishment over these 3 incidents and a letter has been sent home to the other boys parents. Whilst I am very angry with my ds and he has been spoken to and punished for this, I am just wondering if sending to the headmistress and sending the other boys parents a letter is normal for this sort of behaviour in reception? It seems a little extreme to me. What worries me is that myself and his mum had a falling out a few weeks ago after something I said was totally misinterepreted (I have apologised until I'm blue in the face for this) and this feels to me like she has made a complaint to the school?

I feel immensely stressed about this this morning. I don't want my child treating anyone unkindly but I am also worried a parent is trying to take some kind of revenge on me?? Any advice would be much appreciated! xx

No, they won't be doing this on the say so of another parent. Children can be very different at home than at school. The bragging about swimming I can't see as an issue but the other two are & I would talk to your soin about the need to accept he can't always have his way when he is in a class of thirty.

TBH these all sound like absolutely typical things that a 4/5 year old might do. A bit of showing off about swimming, snatching a pen (and being told to return it), arguing about who sits where. All of which should be dealt with quickly and effectively by the class teacher without recourse to the head.

Is there more to it? Why was the teacher unable to satisfactorily address the behaviour in class, how did your DS respond to being told to modify his behaviour? Are there concerns about bullying?

It does all sounds very odd - not because it sounds like the other parent has complained about you - but because the head must be absolutely bogged down in dealing with minor misbehaviour if this is the sort of stuff that is getting referred up to her to handle.

I don't regard any of the things you mention as warranting more than a general "scolding" and explanation of why he shouldn't do it again.

I'd request a meeting, take a print-out of the school's behaviour policy with me, and ask how my ds's punishment adheres to the policy. Be firm, be polite, keep to the point. Can be very effective if a school is being disproportionate in their handling of minor transgressions.

DD is in reception - the only time parents are called in to my knowledge is for seriously horrible behaviour (i.e. spitting, punching etc).

I'm all for being firm but I have a ds in reception and it seems entirely normal 4/5 yr old behaviour to me.

I'm not even sure that bragging he's going swimming is naughty behaviour!

Certainly I'd expect them to be ticked off for the other two "offences" but nothing more than that. I'd be rather surprised if the teacher even felt it was necessary to mention it to be honset.

Thanks so much for all your responses. It's been really helpful and made me feel a little better. The other boys parents have also got in touch with us today and made it very clear that they take this very seriously and that they deem our child very badly behaved. I am extremely upset and have been in tears most the day. I have also spoken to a reception teacher friend who implied the children in her class may as well go and sit in the headmistresses office 24/7 if this is deemed as bad behaviour. I will go in and speak to his teacher again on Monday.

I would suspect that it is cumulative behaviour that has had him sent to the Hm, not any of those events on their own. It may be there have been more similar ones they haven't mentioned as well.

The "bragging" of going swimming sounds strange. Either there is a lot more to it (eg continuing when he's been told to stop, saying things like "you're not going swimming because you're stupid") or it is being used as part of a bigger picture.

What is the letter? Is it a "I am sorry" from your ds, which is how it would be dealt with at my dc's school. Or is it an "incident letter" ("Your ds was involved in a small incident today with another boy, who has now been dealt with"). Either is (to me) a fairly small matter, not a big event, and I wouldn't read anything much into it.

I doubt whether they have taken any notice if she has complained. My experience says that if a parent complains they usually (at that age) wouldn't act to discipline a child unless it has been witnessed.

Thanks. I just thought the 'swimming incident' was a bit unkind but also fairly normal as he was excited about it.

To be clear I think his teachers are amazing and have been so so happy with the school. He has progressed enormously in my eyes since September. Apparently on each occasion he was asked to say sorry which he did. They did stress that I shouldn't worry too much about it (easier said than done!).

They sent the other parents an email explaining the 3 incidents, saying he'd been in time out for all 3 and that he'd been sent to the head. The husband came round and told us this last night.

I'm thinking cumulative behaviour as well.

Speak to the teacher certainly. Find out exactly what happened and how his behaviour is generally. Don't go in all guns blazing.

As for the other parents being arsey that's rather unhelpful and childish but not the schools fault. Wouldn't do any harm to let school know situation though.

I would be spluttering with indignation! It's absolutely NOTHING to do with the other boy's parents how your child is dealt with!! I would be going in on Monday and wanting to know on what planet it is acceptable for parents to be emailed about another child's 'punishment'.

And these incidents are not even worth the teacher mentioning herself let alone bothering the HT with. There's something going on with the other family and I would want to know what it is. Good luck.

If I received a letter from school saying x has been bragging about going swimming to ds, but don't worry he has been suitably punished, I'd have it framed. There must be more to it than that.

The only time I have know the school write to parents is when the parents have complained about a child's behaviour.

Hi sparlkes. Thank you. It's a state school. A very good one as far as I've always been concerned. To be honest last week as I was dealing with them on this I found his teacher to be very reasonable/helpful. She was very grateful for my support in the matter etc. It's only since the other parents have contacted us that I am so riled again and the more I think about it the more I have thought the punishment didn't really fit the crime.

I will definitely go in on Monday and speak to them. Wish me luck...my head is splitting!!

I'd agree that these are minor issues from what you have said and and the kind of things that go on all day in a reception class. I wonder if the other boy is feeling sensitive about something and has been reacting in an extreme way to these incidents? It sounds like he could have gone home and complained to his parents who then contacted the school who then agreed keep an eye on the relationship. For the school to know when these minor incidents happened suggests to me that they have been keeping a note of what is going on between the 2 boys so there may be a back story that you do not know. I'm imagining things here, and don't want to make you feel worse, but the situation is odd.

Whatever's happened this has not been handled appropriately. There is no way that the other parents should be knocking on your door and no way that you should be in tears about it.

Sopster, it seems to me the other parents are totally and completely over-reacting. That's their problem, not yours.

To be fair to the other parents if school emailed me with a reports of 3 incidents I would be inclined to think the worst. IMHO it is the school blowing everything out of proportion if the details the OP has given are all that has occurred

I am confused as to why the school are informing the other parents unless the situation is much more serious but usually schools/pre-schools are very sensitive in dealing with these sorts of things so to e-mail the other parents to tell them what punishment they have carried out on your DS seems completely out of order.

We are informed if someone has hurt DS or something but general 'school children incidents' should and usually are dealt with in the setting and are not reported to parents unless they are continous incidents or very serious. Even then the identity of the other children involved are usually not discussed.

In any case the school should not be providing names

eh? really? bloody hell....

all those incidents would have been dealt with in class. and what the hell happened to confidentiality?