WWYD?

[meredeux]

There is a boy in Ds1's class (year 5) who attacked DS today. It was only a hard shove. The boy has learning difficulties and anger issues, and he has his own, dedicated, TA, so i am guessing that he has some problem but I don't know what.

The incident today was completely unprovoked and it occurred during a PE lesson when the boy had a decision go against him on the sports field. It had absolutely nothing to DS, but he happened to be closest when the boy lost his temper. He was on his way to hit the TA when the teacher intervened and calmed the boy down.

The thing is that the teacher saw what happened to DS but said nothing to him about it.

Its the first time that DS has been touched by this boy but its a frequent thing that someone gets attacked some way or other. The TA/ teacher always intervenes but not before the boy has managed a few punches or kicks at his victim.

DS only joined the class this year so maybe other parents were advised of the situation in an earlier year. I kept hearing of these incidents from DS1, so I spoke to the teacher about it last month. The teacher acknowledged that he knew who I was referring to (I didn't name the boy) but she was adamant that it wasn't a problem, or something that i should be concerned about.

DS was scared when the boy came charging over to him and he didn't enjoy the shove, but there's no harm done this time.

Is this ok though? i.e. Is it something that children just have to put up with when there is a child with this problem (whatever it is) in their classroom?

No, this is not ok and I wouldn't put up with it with my DC. It's unfortunate that the other child has learning difficulties and anger issues but it's not ok for the teacher or school to then turn a blind eye when it is affecting other children negatively.

It's difficult to know when to intervene and when to just let children be children but if the behaviour has scared your little one or others and has resulted in violence towards them (whether a shove/kick/punch), I would have to step in and demand something be done about it before it escalates further. By not stepping in, the school or that particular teacher are condoning this behaviour which is unacceptable.

Have another word with the teacher and if there is still no improvement, escalate it to the Head and/or Board of Governors to seek a resolution.

Good luck!

There is a little boy in my dd's class (reception) who is autistic with a dedicated TA. When he hits someone he is told to stop and told to apologise to the person. I can't see why this couldn't be the case in with a year 5 child as a minimum.

Have you spoken to the teacher about this incident? I think it would perfectly reasonable to ask to speak to her, tell her your concerns, and ask what can be done.

Personally, I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, just tell her you are concerned and want to ensure young child and classmates are protected.

It may be being dealt with under the school's behaviour policy, and you may not know about that because of confidentiality rules, but you need to ensure it is noted.

OK dd aged 7 (ASD) has the following in place. TA sits close to her in all lesson activities and supervises her in lunch. Midday supervisors have been told how to deal with any problems. Children have been told not to intervene but to get an adult if dd won't do as asked. If she does sometimes hurt peers, she is given time out and says sorry. However it may well be that the discussion of what has happened takes place later in private when this child has had time to calm down. The other children will not necessarily know then that the issue has been dealt with. If you think the child is not being adequately supported then you should make that concern known to the child's teacher. What you can't expect is to be given any info about the child's difficulties.

You are right: i don't need to know the details of what is wrong with this child. I think what i do need is comfort that my child won't be hurt by him. I'd also appreciate it if my child is reassured after he's been attacked that its not ok to hit him. When nothing at all is said to him then what is the message he's supposed to take? (Actually the message he has been taking is that some people hit others and its acceptable).

But I asked the teacher for comfort last month and she denied there was any problem whatsoever. According to her, these things just never happened at all.

I haven't spoken to the teacher about what happened today because I only found out about it on the way home. To be honest, i am not sure what to say. hence my OP.

I woiuld say 'I am a bit worried that this child isn't being adequately supported and that this is leading to incidents where my ds might be hurt.'. I would probably avoid using highly emotive language like 'attacked'.

Definitely not okay. Sure, scuffles and shoves will happen at Primary School but I don't think it's acceptable for a teacher to basically be sending the message that what your son has experienced is not a problem.

We have a little boy who had similar problems at one of my schools....he often attempted to shove other children and such. We didn't have a massive go at him because we know he doesn't see it in quite the same way as others....but we would NEVER just let him get on with it. We try to intervene as best we can and if he ever does shove someone because we weren't quick enough (even if they weren't really hurt) we help him calm down and make him apologise.

In the long run, seeing stuff like this happen will not help your son or other children who may get hurt and not know who to turn to for support OR the little boy who shoves who is going to get mixed messages about what is right and what is wrong and may find it even harder to interact properly later on when he's bigger and such shoving becomes more of a danger.

Advice-wise I would write a formal but honest letter. Make the focus of the letter your concern for both children's welfare and social development and not a want to see the other child punished (not that you would).

If it continues, write a follow up letter saying that unfortunately the issue has not been solved and ask what they are doing to combat the issue. If they give you a decent reply and it looks like they are trying, give it a little time and see what happens. If they try and blow you off again and imply that they aren't doing much or that there isn't a problem, it's formal complaint time. First the school, then the local authority, then someone bigger like Ofsted or something....