Would be v grateful for some advice on my daughter, the school, our options, aghhh

[Heyyyho]

This may be long but I don't want to drip feed! DD started at a local selective Independent school in Sept. This wasn't a given, simple decision for us. She was at a pre-school that led into a school which we liked, but a late change of head made us v uneasy about it so we tried her for this current school which has a fantastic reputation and we honestly felt was a great environment for DD who is quite shy socially, able academically and needs a lot of routine/structure.

She responded to it v positively indeed, no tears or problems, very smooth, no behavioral issues, although she does suffer from some mild ongoing health issues, none serious as such but it has meant hospital visits and some admissions which has been awful actually but the school were v supportive. She is doing v well there.

The negatives are, well, right. We are quite different to the other parents who attend, the lifestyles that these parents can afford are a world away from what we have. Although we can afford the fees for now we make huge sacrifices and run into money concerns regularly.

After nearly a whole school year I would say I have made very few friendships, even just to stand at the gates can be v odd sometimes they don't seem to be a particulally friendly bunch and the conversations going on are often about things I don't have much in common with. Every event I dread now. Sometimes I feel I hate this school, but DD is doing well it's v confusing. (I do also suffer from acute anxiety and have been in therapy over the last few years so know I do over think certain things and am v fragile emotionally)

I know that the response to this would be - well it's not you attending the school, Just don't get involved etc just pick up, drop and go. But realistically it's not that simple is it? I like to get involved with school events, participate and help and loved doing so before. Also I find that it's good for the children to have a positive feel about their school and to know that they fit in.
At the previous school it was a completely different, so many lovely people, really positive environment although it was independent too there was a real mix of people and everyone was v relaxed, made loads of close friendships.

Is it detrimental for DD that we don't really slot in here? Will she just go on her own happy way despite our feelings as parents? Surely it can't be great for her peer group to be people so different from her in terms of lifestyle? Or is education THE most important thing as we thought when we set out to get her the "best" we could? Would it be awful to pull her out because we feel this way, I suspect it would...

Any thoughts would be appreciated :)

Well I think we need to know more about the school you turned down first! Why would a change of head make you uneasy? Or were there other issues?

I certainly think both parent and child fitting into the primary school environment is far better than just the child fitting in - others will disagree no doubt. But often playdates etc only happen if the mummies are friends, your child will become aware of their differences as they get older. And better for a child to have happy parents who set a good example by joining in and generally being part of the community etc etc etc.

However if the alternative is crap - then maybe think again.....

What does your Dh/p think?

Thanks for your response.

The school we turned down, hmm well the new head made a lot of changes to the school - took on a lot more pupils to an already v small building, "let go" some very valued and excellent members of staff as they didn't see her way.. the feel was that it compromised on the care of the pupils. Educationally it has kept a v good reputation, it's so hard to say. But DD was v happy there and it was nearer. She is such a happy soul I think we could put her anywhere and she would be happy, but there has to be a line. I am so confused.

DH feels completely the same way but I suppose is stronger on the "..she needs the best we can give her in this day and age it's dog eat dog out there.."

How old is your dd? Reception? Were the other parents all at the school before you joined or did you all start at the same time?

we all started at the same time

You've asked for advice on your daughter and the school, but this is really about you isn't it?

Sorry, that sounded a bit harsh.

If you're daughter is happy and the school is supportive and she's doing well there, then there's no reason for her to change schools.

You do seem very anxious and nervous but you say you've made a few friendships. You're going to be a parent at this school for, what 6 years, anyway. Take a breath. Volunteer to help at events. Foster the friendships that you have. These things sometimes take time.

I am now friends with parents at my dd's school who I hardly spoke to when she joined 4 years ago.

Shit. your daughter not you're

It took me ages to form friendships with other parents when DS started school. Probably until Y2. If you keep making small talk with the odd parent, you will likely find "someone" you click with. But there are plenty of parents at the DC's schools who don't really talk to anyone. It's handy to be friendlyish with your children's friends' parents - but really only for organising them to come round to play. But, at some schools there isn't really a culture of friends coming round after school to play so this might not be an issue. Does DD get invited to parties? I think it's easier to talk to parents t parties than in the school playground. Plus if she's invited to parties it shows she's not being overlooked socially.

yes it is about me in a sense you're right. But I agknowledge that, but what I mean is doesn't that affect her too? s my concerns may manifest later for her not just now in recep when they are tiny but long term

yes she has parties and playdates, we turn up to the houses and I gasp and worry about when we return my house will feel like a shoebox to them

But soon she will notice the chasm too won't she?

I was a beyond poor girl who got a scholarship to a good school, where everyone there had loads more money than us.

The only time I ever felt bad about this was on mufti day. But assuming your daughter isn't dressed in a combination of rags and a clown outfit like me then it won't be a problem.

I've known others in the same boat too. For example, a friend who remembers not being able to go on the hockey tour because it was a £2,000 jaunt to Central America.

From the perspective of myself and my friends, we were so grateful for the amazing education we were getting, the opportunities, the school that we really enjoyed, that the fact that we were tiny fish in an enormous pond wasn't an issue for us.

If your daughter is a happy, friendly little soul, no one is going to give a toss about the size of your house - especially her friends.

Your anxiety issues, as a whole, might affect your dd. But it sounds like that might be true wherever she goes to school.

Hi

We moved our dd last September, to an Independent school and I was really worried at first, about making friends. I must admit, I made a big effort - not saying you don't - but I really forced myself to chat outside school. These were established groups from YR (ddYr2), so they had history!!!

I made sure I went to the parties and always chatted, but also listened to others, even if I wasn't interested, I pretended I was!!! I found there were one or two that were on the same wavelength as me and I tend to stand with them more than not and one I meet one day a week, before pickup for coffee, but I mentioned to her one day about meeting and she was thrilled, probably felt the same as me! It has taken 8 months to get to this stage and It still feels I have to work at it.

As for worrying about the material differences, we have a complete mix, as I am sure your school will too, I would say most are like yourselves and us, working hard, cutting back to send our children to the school. We do have a few very obscenely wealthy parents, two are in my dd's class, we also have a couple of famous parents, although not in our class - same year, but it doesn't matter, everyone seems to accept everyone else and no one cares if it is a semi or a flash mansion. I am not sure kids really notice either and as long as you are cool about it, your dd will be too. You don't have anything to prove.

I was chatting to one Mum recently, single Mum, dad abroad pays the fees, who was worrying (albeit with a smile), because she only £20 left in her purse to get her through the weekend!, who would know?

Your dd will only notice the difference if you let her, make her feel proud of who you are and how hard you work and value her caring family. Its all about attitude.

If your dd is happy I would persevere with the parents, try to chat to them, anxiety issues can't help the situation, but I would hazard a guess that most parents who are new to a school don,t feel like they fit in for a little while. Also, as parents, we don't always choose out mummy friends, if my dd is friendly with another girl/boy at school, invariably I will get to know that mum too... Try to organise playdates without worrying about your house, or comparing to the other parents... I hope the other parents would reciprocate playdates and that would give you an opportunity for a chat when you drop or pickup. One last idea... School fair , or sports day.. As I think has been mentioned, offer to volunteer with helping out etc.... Difficult to throw yourself into it , I can understand that, but set your self small tasks, maybe helping out with a rota for 1 hr, ...

It's always easier to gel with other parents when you all start with your children the same time, now the parents have made their friends, and being the new mum isn't easy... Give it time and don't give up.. And don't rush into a decision.... to change schools again..

Hope this helps.... Waffled far too much

paying attention as about to visit an independant school knowing we will need to think about how we budget our income to afford costs.

Telling myself it won't matter if she's not the richest kid there, she'll still be clean and presentable and it's a problem that happens in all schools on some level anyway, what matters will be the opportunities she has access to, the positive feedback she gets from us about doing well there

Please don't panic about not having made dear mummy friends. DD is at indie joined in reception lots been there since nursery. I barely visited school in reception and year 1 was a little jealous of some of the little cliques that formed. Now DD is in year 3 I have a few really good friends now and all those intensely cliquely ones blew up into a horrible row in year 2 so I was very glad I had kept out of it.

If your daughter is thriving and has friends I wouldn't worry.

You are not there to make friends with the parents.

I turn up say hello to a few, bit of chit chat maybe (or stand on my own if i've had a hectic day at work and just want a minute to myself), collect DD and go. Person I speak to most is a muslim grandad in his 60's - nothing in common on paper but a very pleasant gentleman.

I don't believe everyone at the school is from a fabulously weathy lifestyle - a bet a lot are like you, fees paid by grandparents etc.

DD is yr 1 of a non selective private. As time has gone on and we've chatted more at birthday parties you get to know people a bit better but I wouldn't describe any parent as a friend. Same sort of relationship as with a work colleague.

OK Heyyho

Several things here.

First, from what I gather you DD is happy and is making friends. That is good.

Second, you're not so sure - that's not so good.

I get the feeling different and an outsider, but that also happens at State schools as well. I've had a friend relocate to Winchester and they're on the edge of a very prosperous area and she's definitely treated as the poor woman who has to work, as most of the in-mummy crowd are stay at home Mums.

So Third: What is going on at the other school - do you still have friends with children there? Has it turned out that the new Head is o.k. and that the changes weren't as awful as you thought?

I'm not sure what to advise, it sounds to me like you really liked the situation of the other school socially but that because there were so many radical changes you weren't sure and possibly made a rash decision. I think you need to investigate thoroughly what's going on with that first private school you rejected - ring a friend or a friend of a friend and find out. It may be complete chaos, but at least that would assure you you've made the right decision. If in fact it's going from strength to strength with a vigorous new Head who's really getting academic results, then perhaps you should consider transferring your daughter.

At this young age it is very easy to make friends - if you have doubts and if you feel happier with the other school now that things have settled, perhaps you should consider transferring her back to the independent school you rejected.

HTH

Hi there,
Your daughter is happy. It is a good school. Don't worry about the friends with Mums thing. I would work on your own anxiety issues, and stay positive re chatting with Mums and participating in events etc. Just do it anyway, and even if the Mums are of a different life-style generally etc I bet there are still some really nice ones when you get to know them- that's the tricky bit, but can't be forced (bit like trying to date someone!). Not many people can resist a happy person with similarities (child at school) to themselves.

I guess the flip side as a pp said is that you have had a better experience at the other school. However, if I were you if your daughter is happy I wouldn't move her again- are you still in touch with your friends from there?- maybe see them more often? And play the long game with this school, a few really good friends is probably all you need and even they are bonuses.

I don't think it is the fact that it independent more that it is just one of those combination of factors. My DD1 moved schools due to a house move - state to state - and I couldn't believe how hard it was to make friends, I would say that I have made no friends from her year, maybe one or two with subsequent children but it is very close knit and cliquey. It has nothing to do with money, more to do with the "have known a couple of people for ages and can't be bothered to put my nose out of that clique" sort of attitude.

I know it's hard because I found it strange and became slightly paranoid at one point, but actually I think it is just the way some parents are.

Just wanted to say thank-you to everyone for their advice! Sorry for the late response, I have had, appropriately to this thread, a lot of school events over the last week and been v busy.

I was v mindful of watching the patterns of "friendships" over this week, whilst leaving emotions out of it - it seems that there is a kind of jet-set crowd of Mums in DDs year who don't really engage with others and bonded v quickly early on in the school year. I think this is the bunch who have made me feel the most insecure about not fitting in as I got on v well with them at first, but as the months went on they became v distant and close to each other and not me and I wasn't sure why as I did like them. I suppose that is what triggered these silly emotions and anxiety.

It does seem unusual to the whole school though, as I seem to get on much better with Mums who have a Recep child and one further up the school and I suppose this is my core "group" that I talk to at these school events of which there are so many, which makes it really difficult to just be the happy "outsider". You simply have to engage. I have realised there are some nice Mums there but it is an effort...

As for the money situation it was really helpful to hear your stories of being the child who didn't have loads at a wealthy school, I want her to feel lucky to be there for the education and not too bogged down with the materialism.

I don't think we will change schools now as the issue is more with me at present, however if it starts to affect her will will definately reconsider.
Thanks again everyone.